Hey guys, this is a long one so bear with me. This has been a long time coming and I just need to say what I can and hopefully get some thoughts and/or encouragement so...here we go: I've recently started thinking that it's time for me to start seriously considering or start actually coming out to certain people. I've been through just about every phase of denial, foreclosure, rebuttal since I realized I liked guys some 8 years ago. Since then I've been a classic case of "splitting" where I have created and honestly nearly mastered an introverted personality of sorts in attempt to "fit in" a straight world and hide the fact that I am in fact gay. Since February, I've been dealing with terrible anxiety, sleepless nights and probably bouts of depression on the worst days. I originally contributed those symptoms to the idea I was about to lose a very close friend (who started as a FWB) whom I had developed feelings for. When we started hanging around each other more as friends rather than as a trick I felt free, like I wasn't hiding or faking or lying to him because we both knew I was gay and I didn't have to pretend. And when I would hang out with other friends, or go to work, or even be at home I could literally feel the difference in how I feel and I have grown to hate it. I want to feel like I do around that friend all the time, with everyone. The longer my symptoms went on and continue, the more I think about the actual cause. I believe a good portion of my problem is the dam I've been trying so desperately to keep hold up inside for so long is finally breaking. So to speak. I've been in therapy for a few weeks regarding this very thing and it has helped further my thinking that I should proceed with this. I have also visited with my doctor about the symptoms (not about being gay though) and have been on anxiety/depression meds for a few weeks now and I'm not sure how much good they are doing. They are probably helping take the edge off on most days, but I still occasionally have a rough days that really gets me thinking...kind of like today actually. I suppose I'm thinking that since a lot of these feelings I'm going through are more from internal conflict than external that perhaps coming out at least to a couple people might make my life easier in time. In all honesty, I'm just so tired of feeling this way. The last three months have been hell. I'm so tired of not getting a good nights sleep, I'm tired of feeling on edge, and I'm so incredibly tired of trying to put on a different face for everyone around me. I'm simply exhausted of it all and everything's coming out at once (no pun intended haha). I understand that coming out is not an instant fix and that it may cause an increase in what I am going through for a little while. I also get that I won't instantly feel better just because I tell someone I'm gay. But if it helps in the near future I think I'm ready to take that chance. I'm just concerned that I'm rushing into this too fast. I mean, I've only just started thinking about coming out a few weeks ago. I guess I always thought it would be a decision made over a period of months for me because of how analytical I can be with big decisions like this. I know that this is completely a me decision and no one else can tell me when the right time is or if I am in fact rushing into this but advice and personal experiences are always welcome. for those of you that have come out already, I'd also appreciate if you could share who you came out to first. That's a whole 'nother 5 paragraphs that I won't bore you with but I keep waffling between coming out to my mom first or a couple close friends that I know care about me a great deal (I suspect all of them will be supportive so that helps). In summary, I'm just looking for support and affirmations to give me the courage to go through with this. Like I said, this is my decision and no one can make it for me. Maybe I'm getting caught up because today is a "bad" day, but I think it's time I stop hiding. I want to enjoy life and be happy. Right now I am anything but. You guys that made it to the end, I cannot thank you enough for your time. I know it was a lot but I cannot tell you how much this and other sites like it have helped me in the last few months. A lot of you are quite literally life savers and that means so much to me and others that need to vent and express their problems, even if it's only behind a keyboard. Your guys' advice and support is why people like me have these types of epiphanies and make it through the tough times. You are all worth your weight in diamonds and that itself is an immense understatement. Thank You for everything. --pman117
I went through a lot of the same stuff just a few years ago, although at the time I wasn't sure if I was bi or gay. I told a couple close friends (one of whom is gay) before I told my parents and sister. It felt good to get it off my chest, especially as I figured out my true orientation, but it was also really hard figuring out how to actually be out--navigating things like dating, meeting LGBT people outside of EC, telling my extended family and friends, figuring out how to handle more professional settings, and lingering self-confidence issues that came from being closeted and fighting myself for so long. Even though everyone in my life was supportive, it still wasn't instant gratification or easy. But like the ancient proverb says, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It's obvious you're wanting to take a step. It's up to you to figure out where you want to take that first step and when. I think being in therapy helps--it definitely helped me. If you have any LGBT friends IRL, they can be amazing sources of support. And EC is an amazing resource with great people. Good luck man!
Appreciate your insight, it always helps hearing people say how much better they felt after telling a couple people. That's what I'm hoping for. That's where I'm headed I think. I know my mom wont freak or anything (hell she may already know to be honest) but I have two very good friends that I know will take it well and be supportive. Yea I know this is the reality of it all but I'm ok with it. I'd rather do this at 25 then 45. Therapy will help, I'm sure of that. Unfortunately I've been pretty absent from the LGBT community and I only have two people that I could even potentially talk to. One is an old bud around my age who lives in Arizona now, the other is the guy I talked about in my post. He's older and has definitely been through this and we have touched on my situation a little bit. I just don't know how much I can/should share with him since I do have a vested interest/feelings towards him you know? Simple answer: take care of myself first, think about him as a FRIEND (not future relationship) and not worry about my feelings towards him I know. Easier said than done. EC and Gayspeak have been great for reading other people's stories and experiences. I will absolutely be abusing you guys for advice.
Good update for myself. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...uess-funny-how-things-happen.html#post3048246
