Hi, everyone! I'm 22 yo boy who lives in Brazil. I somehow have always known that I'm gay, but it was something that I've always hidden it, because, as it happens to a lot of us LGBT+ people from a religious family background, I learned that being gay is a sin and wrong. And for the longest time, I believed that to, so my "gayness" was something that I was ashamed of. My family is very conservative and homophobic (I once heard my dad saying that having a gay child is the worst thing that could happen to a parent) and I copped with that. In 2012, i moved out of my parents house for college. I was still conservative and with internalized homophobia, but, at the same time, I felt atracted to almost guy I met hahaha. Within 6 months I started going out with a girl, after we became good friends. She is awesome, one of the best people I've ever met (she was the one who made me open my mind to social causes, such as feminism and LGBT+ actvism). After a while, we called it a relashionship. We've been together for 4ys now. I have never cheated on her, I have never had sex with a guy, even though I want to. I dont wanna let her down. I'm not scared of coming out to my parents, friends or anyone else, but her. At this point, if I loose them, it's ok (even though it would suck). But I cant stand to loose her. And I dont want her to think the she was "just a beard". It's more complex than that. One side of me wants to let things as they are, and live with her, maybe get married (we dont want kids, hahaha) and stay in the closet forever. But the other side of me wants to discover what life is like out of Narnia. :icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad: Any help would work! Ps: English isnt my first language, so I hope you can undertand me anyway!
ItOutinTime, I am a 47 year old male. I am married to a woman and have 2 kids. I am out to my wife (two months ago) and will be coming out to my kids and the rest of my family in two weeks. Until two months ago I believed that I would take my secret to the grave. Here I was a married man with two kids and the mere thought that I could flip my life upside down was simply unthinkable to me. That is until I had a mental/emotional breakdown. Staying in the closet forever sounds like a good plan when you are 22. When you are 47, you realize what a terrible mistake you made back when you were 22. You are at the exact age I was when I started dating my wife. Please think this through very carefully. It's so easy to make decisions at your age without thinking about how you might feel 20 years down the line. I have two awesome kids that I wouldn't trade for anything. So, I don't regret the choice I made so many years ago. But I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that a part of me does long for all the years I missed. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Imgay47, Thanks for the reply! I've been thinking about coming out to her for more than a year, and I've come to a place that I know I'm ready for it. But I'm worried about how she's gonna take it. Can you talk about you coming out to your wife? It'd help a lot. Btw, good luck on coming out to your kids!
Please don't continue on in a lifelong relationship if you'd be happier with a guy. Honestly, even though I'm female I can still understand how scary it is to be in your situation. You should be honest sooner and later and tell her how you struggled but that she still means a lot to you. You may need time apart for her to process, but you might end up remaining good friends.
I came out to my wife in the midst of the mental/emotional breakdown. I was a complete basket case. I was crying multiple times a day for over a week and I was in a bad place. Of course she knew something was wrong. Although I wasn't crying around her (or anyone else) I was obviously a mess. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I lost 15 pounds over a three week period. She kept asking me what was wrong, and eventually I just couldn't hold it in any longer. As for what to say? You probably already know that. I realized afterwards that the things I was telling myself during my breakdown was essentially rehearsal. So, I just talked about all those things I was thinking about. Here's my story that I posted last week. I basically told her those things, or at least most of those things. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html Your story will obviously be different. If you aren't already rehearsing those things you want to say to her, you will. Maybe you don't realize the things you're thinking are really you rehearsing, but it is. There's no right way to come out to someone. Letting go of your ego, being honest, and non-defensive are the best pieces of advice I can give to you. Whatever her reaction, don't get defensive. She has a right to her emotions. Let them come, whether they are mostly silent, crying, yelling, whatever. Of course, she has no right to be physical with you, so be prepared to leave immediately at the first sign of anything physical. But short of that, be willing and open to take whatever comes.
