:smilewave Hello, EC. Well, I'm kind of worried. On Wednesday is my college's orientation. I signed up for my orientation on an odd coincidence! On Wednesday, it is the last of two days for meeting with the clubs you are going to join before college. There is only really one club I am going to join, and it is the GSA that is there. I'm carpooling with my two best friends who know I like guys, but I am a little worried. I have to meet with the facilitator and the president of the GSA, and I know that some of my old classmates are also going to the orientation tour. It might risk, with me being outed, them seeing me and maybe confirming, or only reinforcing the 'rumors,' even though it's true. I really want to stop by the booth and meet with the president and talk to him about joining and the types of events they host throughout the year, but I don't want to risk being seen, and more rumors about it being said. It's been quiet with these rumors, but this is a little stressful. :S Any plans??? Because I'm lost.
Well two options: First, the student activity day is certainly not the only day you can join a club. So if you're really concerned about it, you can go and meet the president after activity day... just send him/her an email to set it up. Second... if you're joining the GSA, you're obviously ready to start coming out, so who the hell cares if people see you and it confirms things? Nobody in college is really going to give a rat's ass if you're straight or gay, unless you're in an uber conservative college... in which case, it would not have a GSA. It always feels a little naked when you're letting that part of yourself be seen with people you don't know, but either they won't care, or if they do and in a bad way... it's college, not high school, so the whole scene will be different and they'll be unlikely to bother you.
I would second that! If you're really worried, just send the president an email. He will understand your worries, he knows what coming out is like. And yeah, college is not like high school. It will be the best time of your life, people are open-minded and you have no reason to pretend to be straight to them. Learn, from my mistakes and just go and join the club openly! I missed out a lot by not joining the club when I started university, and stayed closeted for so long.
I think you're right on the naked deal. I've kept it my personal secret for so long, it's kind of difficult letting others around me see that. And I know that it isn't like EC. The real world has its prejudices, and it's easy to talk about over the internet, but when it comes to real life, I kind of close myself off. I'm not as talkative, nor am I as proud...which brings me to anther random thought just now. Am I ashamed of who I am for not letting others see me in the light of liking guys?
I think it's good that you have decided to join the club. It will definitely help you with all of those worries that you have now. It will kind of be like "Real life EC". How about just write an email to the president of GSA? I am sure they will understand that you are not ready to be seen in the orientation with them, and welcome you to their more private events. They will probably be a more comfortable way for you to start with the club. And that will probably help you find the support and pride you need in real life.
I think starting in a new place, already identifying as queer is a great idea. I'm moving away from my hometown, and I'm really looking forward to already being a gay man when I meet everyone. No real history exists. You define it.
Being gay or bi is a *huge* shame trigger for almost everyone. If it weren't, we'd have no problem coming out. Shame is a deeply held fear that we're not worthy of love and belonging, and in acknowledging that we're gay, our deepest fear is that we'll be mocked, ridiculed, taunted, or worse... that we aren't worthy of love and belonging, that we're no longer (or, more precisely, never were) able to belong to the "club" of straight people. So yes, it is the shame about being gay, and worrying how others will see you, that's creating shame about yourself. But it's important not to be too down on yourself because it is something that all of us experience because society and media and everything sends us strong messages (from the subtle to the in-your-face) that gay people are second class. And, as with all shame, the way we eliminate it is talking about it and owning it, because shame can't exist in an environment where we're open and talking about it. So you're doing fine by addressing and thinking about the concerns. Again, just like being naked... if you take the leap, you realize pretty quickly there's nothing to be ashamed about.
On one level, I guess I agree with you Chip, But I know from a recent thread that BornInTexas has had problems with a rumor going around his hometown that he's gay. If this rumor reaches his parents, it could cause problems. It might even terminate BornInTexas' college plans. So I can understand why he is worried about being seen by someone from his hometown. Admittedly, even if seen, nothing might happen. But I certainly would be concerned about adding too much fuel to the fire. Plus for some of us the coming out has to be small steps. Maybe joining a GSA is viable step, but being fully out isn't. That actually is the case for me. As things stand, I cannot afford to be 100% out at the moment. But I don't feel like hiding out in the closet until I can get things set for damage control, either. So I am selective. I attend, and feel comfortable with, a nearby PFLAG group, where I am more or less out. On the other hand, at a church I sometimes attend, I am not by any stretch of the imagination out, because news can spread, and it can spread in directions I can't afford. (Although, if the question comes up, I could be comfortable being out with certain selected people there. However, I haven't said anything, partly due to chicken, partly due to the feeling its not relevant information for those people.) ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2013 at 11:27 AM ---------- BornInTexas: I can't promise anything here...but I will say that there is a chance that you would not be observed if you talked to the GSA people. A good number of my classmates from high school ended up at the same college I did. Even now, a century or two later, I can name 6 people off the top of my head who ended up Unidentified University. (Am I taking the no risk of off site contact policy too far?!?) I'm sure there were many, many more--that college was very common destination for graduates of my high school. How often did I see any of the six above? Almost never. The only one whom I ever saw was in a class with me. Others I saw at a distance, but that was all. Apart from that one class (which only met once a week), I might go a week without seeing anyone whom I knew from high school. ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2013 at 11:35 AM ---------- Like Chip pointed out, you probably can join the GSA later on. I can't promise this: but at my college, these activity days were more about advertising the clubs and groups than anything. I'm sure most groups would let people join later on... As Chip said, you might e-mail the club president or whatever contact they have. I'm not sure if this could be arranged--but it's possible if you e-mailed, and explained the situation, that you could meet with someone from the club on Wednesday away from where they are set up to promote the club. My local PFLAG group has the opportunity to meet outside regular meetings over coffee for those who can't reach regular meetings (either because they are too scared, or they have actual schedule conflicts). Maybe this club could do that, too. Meet with a member at the booth, and it does look like you are interested in the GSA. Meet with the same person elsewhere, and even if he or she is wearing a rainbow outfit with GSA emblazoned across the back, it's entirely possible that you are talking about something else.
