It's all uphill from here...

Almost a month ago I posted about the confusion I was going through. I thought I'd come back and post my progress, and maybe it will give someone some hope and/or inspiration.

Although I admitted to myself I had homosexual attractions almost a year ago, I existed in limbo for awhile and I attribute this to having "straight reservations."

I've chatted with people (mom, friends) but was in denial / lacked self-acceptance still, to where I knew I was only attracted to other guys, but treated it like some unresolved conflict of my past where I could still end up being straight.

Through the past month, I knew something needed to change. I knew my recovery from drug addiction and my personal growth was being hindered by this reservation. I started to accept myself and get more comfortable with the *fact* that I'm gay.

I realized ****** was just stoking my lust and imaginary fantasies, keeping me from getting grounded in reality. I wasn't looking to quick hook up - I started to entertain the idea of an actual relationship with a guy.

I left ****** for *******. Through this process I imagined myself letting a future boyfriend in, getting to know them, to love them beyond a sexual way.

At this point I can't stress how much this has freed me. I didn't know what all the hype was about in coming out - it is just an external matter of people knowing, right? Oh, how wrong I was.

Through liberating myself from holding onto a false reality, I was shedding the rest of my guilt and shame for being gay. Suddenly a weight was lifted, I could be myself without fear of judgment. Not like I was going and shouting it from the rooftops - nothing much changed to those who see me in my daily life, except me being less guarded. The amount of energy I spent on self-loathing and mentally defending myself against unseen enemies prevented me from being my true self.

I feel good today. I felt good before, but not like this.

Through this past month, I told my mom that, I need to stop this pretending game for me. I am gay, I am seeking a boyfriend, I want to be happy...

She has always said she'll love me no matter what.

Yesterday she called, distraught about a few things. First, her worry about the adversity I may face as a gay man. I pointed out that I have spent 15 years being miserable, hating myself, on a quest to drug myself to death. I'll take this liberation, even if it means I might face adversity. What kind of purpose is a life, when you have to bend to what other people think, other peoples' judgments?

Also, she worried how my dad will react. I was previously at "why tell people until I'm actually having a boyfriend" but really, that's another flavor of holding back at "if I could be straight". In getting honest with myself, there's only the question of when I come out, and I said that I would rather he know if it's causing her so much distress.

My dad has always been a pacifist, very loving and tolerant. She notified me yesterday that she clued him in, and that they both love me no matter what. They are proud of me, and recognize I have come such a long way from the drug-addled, 29-year-old child they knew over a year ago.

I'm finding the stuff I posted in the linked post at the top is becoming less of a big deal. As I accept myself more, I become open to accepting another, and being more grounded in reality. I'll still expect awkwardness that comes with any new experience, but for once in my life I feel like I'm on the right track.

It's been exhilarating.

 

Glad to hear it. I still am taken aback by how fast things are changing. I met someone so much like me on unspecified dating site, and we went for coffee today. It feels so right but awkward at the same time.

I realize my relative lack of dating experience. I remain aware - is this just me flustered for letting myself feel love for the first time? How much of what I'm feeling is sexual? How can I be sure I don't rush things or compromise my values?

I wonder if I'm like a teenager feeling love for the first time, and naively falling for the "this is it" mentality feeling like I found my life partner. I remind myself to stay in the moment, don't overthink it.

My roommate tells me of the situation, don't be afraid to make mistakes. Finally I might shamelessly allow myself to become close with a guy. But I worry that something like a cuddle will definitely arouse me - and if that happens, I'll be tempted to jump to getting my rocks off. I don't want to do anything I'll regret (like being too easy). I'm already overthinking, obsessing like first love, yet I can't know if my mind deceives me because I'm new to it all.

"Just go with it..."