Coming out as a masculine gay nerd: the FULL story

What a combo right? This story feels more like an autobiography, but I've been told by friends and family that it's a good story to tell, but get comfortable; it's a bit lengthy...

(!) YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! (!)

To begin my coming out story, we need to waaaay back in time. Back to the year 2011, when I was finishing elementary school (11 years old, 5th grade). How does my school choose to end the year? Sex Ed. The way they did it, they had all the boys in 1 classroom being taught by the school nurse, and all the girls in another room on the opposite side of the building being taught by the gym teacher (Both were women btw). You all know what happens in sex Ed; "bodies are going to begin changing... Feelings towards girls... yada yada yada." As soon as the nurse brought up a diagram of male genitalia, almost every guy was like "ughhh... Turn it off!" But I was just sitting there thinking, "what's the issue?" (It was only one of those pastel-colored anatomy diagrams!) I think it was then when the other guys started to realize that I wasn't "like them."

Fast forward to the beginning of 6th grade. New school, all the 5 elementary schools were combined into a single 1-grade school before moving on to middle school, and I was all alone. Surrounded by people I didn't know, and people from my own school spreading around rumors saying not to "hang out with the fag" or "don't touch him, you might catch his gay," 6th grade was mostly miserable, and I honestly didn't know why. I didn't even know what gay was back then, or being a "fag, queer, homo..." You get the picture. It wasn't until later in the year when I started playing lots of Halo Reach (the big video game back then) when things started to change. People wanted to be my friend on Xbox live, since they thought that gay guys "go shopping, and hang out with girls. Not play video games." So they decided to give me a chance, and the rest of the year was so-so. The rumors went away quickly, but I wondered why they had started in the first place...

Next year; 2012. "Oh no! The Mayans were right! The world is going to end! (Not)" Well in my case, they weren't entirely wrong. This was around the year when things started to get...saucy. Guys I knew were starting to get into relationships with girls, so still wanting to be "the norm" I thought I'd try to get a girlfriend too. That proved difficult, for obvious reasons, so my friend Ben "shipped" me with one. Charlotte was short, sweet, and had a love for Skyrim and Minecraft, so it seemed like the perfect match, Right...? I believed it was for the longest time, but as soon as things got sex-related, that's where things began to nose-dive. A few months in, guys were asking me what base Charlotte and I had reached, and I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. They told me to just google it, and somehow it led me to discovering straight internet porn videos. Immediate reaction; "OH GOD!!! WHAT THE F************************K?!?!?" That's where the doubts began to kick in. By this time, I knew what being gay was, and I wanted to be anything BUT. To be gay at my school was to be an outcast, and that was something I knew all too well already. To try and lie to myself, I frequently tried to escalate things with charlotte, but I always chickened out. (Forget first base, forget the first kiss, forget meeting her parents, forget holding hands/hugging, we only ever went on 2 dates in a 1 year relationship! :roflmao: ) On top of that, I began to crush on tons of GUYS, my friend Kyle from my neighborhood, my childhood friends Jake and Josh, hell even Ben for a time! (It was short lived though, cuz he moved at the end of 7th grade.) The world as I knew it was being thrown into turmoil, just like the Mayans predicted would happen to the entire world. Only it was just me, and I was suffering in silence. At least I had Charlotte to assure me I was straight, right? Wrong. On to the next year, 8th grade 2013-14!

It was New Years Eve, Charlotte and I were playing minecraft online when we got into a fight. (She accused me of stealing her diamonds. Only in a nerdy relationship...) She broke up with me over text, and I was devastated. I fell into depression thinking I would become the outcast again now that I was single, Kyle hooked up with some popular bimbo from my cooking class, Ben was gone, and Jake was now too out of my league to even just be friends. I pleaded with Charlotte to give me another chance, but I basically got friendzoned. (Before it was even a thing!) Somehow I moved on and put on a happy face, and finally got to the nirvana that was high school.

Freshman year was one of the best of my life for many reasons. I had the perfect teacher for almost every class (except English ) and I made what I now know are friends for life in my chemistry class. Isaiah I had known since third grade, and we met through anti-black prejudice. Another kid and I used to bully him for fun (he was a bad influence on me xD), but after the other kid moved, we became best friends for all the following years. Emeline, she's the quiet one. I had met her briefly during my relationship with Charlotte, but working as lab partners, she and I developed a compassionate-older-sister and moody-younger-brother kind of relationship. And lastly, Lizzie. Our lab group was nicknamed "the pyromaniacs" after these traits; Isaiah was the "Maniac" since he was the accident prone one, Emeline and I were the "Pyromaniacs" since we were among the only people in our class capable of lighting a Bunsen burner, and Lizzie... Well she was just "Pyro," literally. With her brown hair faintly dyed red, and her hotheaded and passionate personality, it was hard not to call her that. :lol: Why is this pertinent to a coming out story? :sleep: Keep reading, it'll all piece together soon as we approach the present day.

Nearing the end of freshman year, we were working together on a group lab, generally conversing along the way, when sexuality somehow became the topic. I began to freeze up, fearing that the dreaded question would come up, and sure enough, it did. Here's how I remember the conversation happening;
Isaiah: So do you guys know anyone gay in our grade? My brother knows a few upper class men, but not freshmen.
Emeline: I don't, but people are probably scared to come out.
Lizzie: Well you do now.
All: What?
Isaiah: You're a lesbian?
Lizzie: I'm bisexual! Got a problem?!
Isaiah: No! No! Noo!
Me: *stepping in* I think what he means is that he just never would've guessed.
Emeline: I wouldn't have. How do you know?
Lizzie: I'm dating a girl, but I still like guys. (Smirking)
Me: Really? Who?
Lizzie: You guys won't know her, she's from a different town.
Me: well. Um. Okay... (I started to sweat a little) we all learned something today... Emeline, Isaiah, what about you guys...?
Isaiah: Straight.
Emeline: Definitely Straight.
Lizzie: Well what about you? Something to hide? (Jokingly)
Me: I... Um... I don't know...
Lizzie: Fair enough

And that's how I knew I could trust them. But I still didn't trust myself. I knew I liked guys, but I still didn't want to be different, and wanted to just get a girlfriend and be normal. That's where I think I REALLY entered the closet. I knew I was bi at the very least, but I didn't want to tell anyone. My dad was very homophobic at the time, and so were 90% of my other friends. Later on in freshman year, I made friends with lots of bisexual and lesbian girls without even knowing it. Without knowing it, I began to hang out with them a lot more than I did with other guys, Isaiah is pretty much my only male best friend to this day. I spent the remainder of freshman year, and the following summer trying to determine what I was, before I hit rock bottom with depression again.

Sophomore year started a few months back, and I still hadn't determined what I was. I knew I was close, but just couldn't settle on bi or gay. To clarify things, I remembered my experience with Charlotte, my accidental discovery of straight porn, and the girls that I claimed I "crushed on." And one day, it just clicked. I realized that I didn't go after these girls for their physical features, or sex drive, like straight guys did, but their personalities and interests when they mirrored my own. I see nothing "arousing" about a girls boobs or butt, and vaginas gross me out! ("I just don't trust something that bleeds for 9 days and doesn't die." -Mr. Garrison, South Park.) Not to mention that I chased after guys like Kyle 'cause they were drop-dead gorgeous! So I had finally come to peace with myself, and determined I was gay. Now, the challenge of coming out of the closet I had built myself...

Lizzie always showed strength of character from the moment we met, and coming out to the three of us just one year earlier made me think even more of her. I knew she could be trusted, and would show me the support I needed. So in October during gym class, I approached her. We talked as usual about school for awhile, but during a pause in conversation, I took my chance;
Me: There's been something on my mind lately.
Lizzie: What's that?
Me: Last year..., when you told us you were bi... Why did you decide to tell us?
Lizzie: I just don't see any reason to hide it. (Jokingly, but prob suspicious too) Why? You want some tips?
Me: How did you know?
Lizzie: You sort of just had that look on your face, plus last year you said you were questioning.
Me: You're too good at this! Yeah... I need some advice on how to tell people without making a big deal about it.
Lizzie: You sort of just tell them. It's not that big of a deal, really!
Me: *slightly angry* Great f*cking idea! "Hey mom, how was work today? By the way, did I mention that I'm gay-"
Lizzie: YOU'RE GAY?!
Me: *silent, since I realized that I just blurted that out loud*
Lizzie: Wow, that's surprising. I was sure you'd be bi, but I never would've guessed gay.
Me: Why is that?
Lizzie: Just cause you don't act like one-well I guess maybe you do.
Me: HEY! The hell is that supposed to mean?!
Lizzie: Straight guys are real assholes a lot of the time. And while you're an asshole sometimes, it's never a straight kind of asshole.
Me: "I'm not a straight kind of asshole." Thanks I guess?
Lizzie: you know what I mean. Back to seriousness, do your parents know?
Me: no. My mom has always said she'd be okay with it, but my dad is a serious conservative homophobe! (Republican, disgusted by gay sex scenes in game of thrones, hates pride parades, but not very Christian-religious, despite his upbringing.)
Lizzie: Well, maybe not tell your dad yet, but I really think you should tell your mom. Sounds like you've got no reason to hide from her.
Me: You're probably right, but she cannot keep a secret. If I tell her, I might as well tell half of Connecticut.
Lizzie: whatever you choose, I'm glad you told me.
Me: thanks.
Lizzie: so by the way...you suck dick! (Just banter )
Me: (playfully) F*ck you too.

I couldn't have asked for a better outcome for my first person to come out to. Her positive reaction inspired me to later come out to my cousin, step mom, Emeline and Isaiah, and my mom. Coming out to her was uneventful other than her remark saying "don't stare at your brother naked," and "now how can I have grandkids?!" I begged her to keep it secret from everyone, especially dad. But that backfired, she betrayed my trust and already outed me to my dad, and my maternal aunt and grandmother less than 24 hours later. She claimed that she told dad herself because she didn't want it to jeopardize our relationship, since he was homophobic, and thought coming from her, it would soften the blow. No mater what her intent, she broke a high level of trust I placed in her, and I don't know if I can ever completely forgive her for that. It turned out to be for nothing though, since dad was wondering for a long time when I was going to tell him. He already had suspicions! :lol: In the end, he's made an effort to change his viewpoints, to look not at gays from their stereotypes, but from how I act as his only son, and his only gay son. (I have two brothers, my younger born to a different father, and my older is my step-mom's son.)

So that's the bulk of my coming out story, but it doesn't end there. There's still one final chapter, but I've already written about it on another thread. If you want to read how I came out to a homophobic school in order to try and end anti-gay prejudice, read here; http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/197158-i-may-ready.html .

Otherwise, thanks for reading my story, as long as it is. I hope you've enjoyed it; and

CONGRATS!!! You made it to the end!
(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)

 

Ive never seen one of my threads get so much response so quickly! Thanks for taking the time to hear/read my story.

Looking back on it, yes I guess I was pretty courageous (and a bit reckless during truth about hate :lol: ) but i truly was terrified. Its never as easy as its made out to be, but i wouldn't have it any other way, even if I am the ONLY guy that out at school.

It can come for you sooner than you think. Do you go to college? I may not have many gay friends my age, but my older brother met tons of gay friends in college, whom I've made friends with too. Lots of people come out in college because they're a good distance away from family or others that they grew up with. Its a great opportunity to be open about who you are without worrying about a potential aftermath. If you go to college, I'd highly recommend taking this as your opportunity to come out to more and more people. Good or bad outcome, it'll still be very liberating in the end.

Again, thanks for reading, and i hope my story can inspire others who are still in hiding to come out, and enjoy life the way they chose to live it. (*hug*)

 

I'm glad my little tale of success inspired you to take the next step for your own coming out process. It always warms my heart, even on a crappy day, to know that somehow I've helped someone in some way. My only wish is that my story and experiences could inspire people a little closer to home... All in good time I guess.