My Coming Out went horribly

[Cool25]

So I don't even know where to begin right now. I was reading an article today in the newspaper that was just complete and utter homophobia so I was talking to my mother about it. Then next she questions why I am supportive of gay rights (as usual), and then I just spurt it out telling her that I am gay.

And the rest is just horrible. She says about every single horrible thing you could imagine- you'll get something (AIDS etc), you aren't gay, this is a phase, it would be the right thing to do to not be in a relationship at all, gay sex is repulsive, it's not a choice, and on and on and on. And of course, she doesn't want others to know (all too late- she's basically the last one). I've told her not to tell my extremely anti-gay and homophobic father because I can't quite afford to move out at the moment and she has agreed.

I'm not sure how I should feel right now. I didn't cry in her presence but she did. This is the first time I've ever had a coming out experience that was bad/negative. I tried to get her to read the PFLAG book but she wouldn't. But, I did it, and that's what matters I guess, and I have lots of supportive friends to help me out. So I guess that's my story so far.

[J Snow]

I'm sorry she reacted that way. My mother behaved similarly when I told her I was gay. Just realize that this was a big shock to her. This doesn't mean she won't come around eventually

[silverhalo]

thats tough, im sorry she reacted that way but as J Snow said im sure it was a shock and in time hopefully she will come around.

[Charni]

I had a bad coming out when I told mum I cross dress. It hurts a lot. But remember EC accepts you. You aren'talone. It sucks that you got hurt.

[Hidinginalabama]

I am sorry to hear that it went that way. But as the others have said it not something that is easy to hear from your son. If there is anyway I can help let me know. We are all there for you.

[Debug]

As everyone else here has said, I'm sure she'll come around. Just give it time and things will get better.

[Doctor Faustus]

Really sorry to hear about your experience. No, it isn't something that is easy to hear from your son but equally your mum needs to recognise what you're going through, the struggles you've faced and above all that you haven't changed as a person. She should still love you no matter what and only seek your happiness, not conformity to any kind of religious/social norm.

Things will get better, but we're all here for you to get you through this.

Best,

Doctor F.

P.S. Please read this: Coming out to Mom Tommorow

[Dewthulu]

I'm sorry that your mom didn't take it as well as your friends. Hopefully she comes around, and learns that she's blinding herself to the truth. You're her son, and by the sound of it, you two get along pretty well. Or else you wouldn't've come out to her. Give her some time. She'll come around eventually, as soon as she realizes that you're her son anyway, and who you like doesn't matter, in the end.

[TheEdend]

I'm really sorry to hear that your mom had a bad reaction to you coming out

Like everyone else said, though, give her time that she will most likely come around the more she deals with everything that is going on. You have to understand that to her you pretty much changed her whole picture of what your future is going to look like so she needs time to process it all. Just like you needed your time to accept yourself. Your mom also needs time in order to be able to understand it.

It won't be easy to wait for your mom to come around, but don't give up on her just yet because when she finally starts accepting it, it will all be worth it. Keep being you and try to be patient with her. In a way, its like explaining to a child a very complex math problem. They will get it eventually, but you are going to need a lot of patience and time in order to get results.

Also, after some time, you might consider printing a PFLAG pamphlet for her and leaving it where she can find it. She might throw it away or she might read it, but its worth a try.

Keep being strong and let us know if we can help you in any way!

[Chip]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened. Remember that you've known and addressed and acknowledged it for a while, and she's only just hearing it now. So she has a lot to process.

There are a number of stages of coming to terms with any major loss (in this case, the loss of her perception of you as straight). THe stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

So what you saw in her initial response was a combination of denial and anger. Once she has some time to think and process and work through what she's feeling. Then will come the "bargaining" stage... "Well, maybe you can talk to the pastor and he'll straighten you out" or "Well, maybe you're just thinking that because you haven't found the right girl"... and eventually, she will move past that, into grief (mourning the "loss") and acceptance.

Give it time. I know that may be hard right now, but she responded the way she did because she loves you... and while she may not be really showing it in the best way, that's the root of where it comes from, and she will eventually come around. My guess is you'll start to notice some changes within the next week or two.

And... please keep us informed.

[PerfectInsanity]

As others have said, just because she acted this way initially doesn't mean that she won't come around. Judging by the comments she said, it sounds like she was just regurgitating all of the homophobic things that she's heard elsewhere as a defense mechanism in trying to deal with her mind freaking out. At least in the meantime you do have friends that will support you while she figures things out and comes to terms with the fact that you are your own person (and not the image of the future that she had). I feel sorry for you that it happened this way. With all the crap they make us go through in being closeted, they shouldn't be the ones acting like victims.

Hang in there!

[seeksanctuary]

While I agree with the others that she will hopefully come around... you have to steel yourself in the event that she doesn't come around. Some people don't, and you need to learn how to deal with homophobia... and plan for a potentially volatile situation, in the event that she gets REALLY angry over it or your father ends up hearing about it somehow.

Stay strong. I'm sorry she reacted that way; all you can do know is try and be happy that you do have SOME support from friends, and learn how to respond to the things she might say. Eventually you will be on your own two feet, and if your parents don't adjust by then, you won't have to deal with them if you don't want to.

[Cool25]

Thank you for all your support guys, it's one of the only things keeping me holding on right now. Today has not seen any improvement.

My mother began the day basically by verbally harassing me while I was trying to get some sleep so I went out for basically the whole day. Got home before to have a shower and when I get out my mother is standing in the room saying that I would have needed a shower because she just found a condom that I have in my wallet and accuses me of having sex, despite the fact I've been out with my supportive friends.


I'm so sick of this crap she is going on with, it's hurtful and it's just going to achieve nothing.

[jimL]

Give yourself a big hug and just know that you have plenty of friends here. I hope she will soon see that she is hurting you not helping you. If she really loves you she will come around. Be strong and give her time to process this huge change in both of your lives. I wish everyone was as lucky as me in that my mom accepted it pretty quickly. Hopefully yours will change soon. Real soon! Good luck!

[Dewthulu]

Try to talk to her. Tell her that you are having trouble with what she's doing. Tell her that verbal harassment won't solve anything. It won't help her change her son. Words can't change you, but they can change her opinion. Try to get her to see that there is no difference between you then & now. You are the same person you were, before you came out. The only difference is that you don’t have to hide yourself if you don’t want to.

[Doctor Faustus]

Originally Posted by Dewthulu

Try to talk to her. Tell her that you are having trouble with what she's doing. Tell her that verbal harassment won't solve anything. It won't help her change her son. Words can't change you, but they can change her opinion. Try to get her to see that there is no difference between you then & now. You are the same person you were, before you came out. The only difference is that you don’t have to hide yourself if you don’t want to.

^ This.

I can't really add anything, except that I hope all it works out for you.

[TheEdend]

I'm so sick of this crap she is going on with, it's hurtful and it's just going to achieve nothing.

Feel free to tell her how you feel about the situation, but keep in mind that it might take months for her to process everything and start being okay.

The only thing I can say is to try and behave, as hard as it can be, in a respectful way and try to keep your calm. Lashing out and getting mad will only make things harder to deal with.

Just give it time

[Cool25]

Yeah, I'll try and not lash out at her, but honestly it's really hard to do, especially given that my whole coming out to her basically was a big argument by the end of it. And she is really pushing it in my opinion, she unlocks my door at 2am and whispers crap in my ear about seeing a father (priest) or some crap like that.

I only heard some of it because I was actually asleep. I ended up yelling at her to get out of my room and thankfully she did leave. I feel uncomfortable in my house now. I'm thinking of trying to move out very shortly but I won't have enough money until a few weeks time.

[Dewthulu]

Originally Posted by Cool25

She unlocks my door at 2am and whispers crap in my ear about seeing a father (priest) or some crap like that.

Lay a sheet of pins in between your bed & door. When she walks in, it'll be dark, and she won't see them. Repeated treatment, and she'll stop. Your defense: She should've respected my privacy, esp. when I was trying to sleep.

^That's just what I would do in your place, if I wasn't worried about consequences. I'm really sorry to hear that she's talking such against you. Remember that she's not a typical human, and that more and more are accepting of diversity.

[Hana Solo]

First I would politely request that she stop coming in after you go to bed. If that fails, by all means employ the pins. Maybe then she'll learn.