Late bloomers (20+) and really late bloomers (30+); how did you came out???

As I said in my introduction thread in S&A, I knew something was different by third grade, I just didn't know what it was. Around 10 or 11 I realised that I found my male peers as attractive as my female peers. It wasn't until middle school that I realised this made me Bisexual, that was the first time I had applied a label, and was happy to think I'd made sense of things.

The implications of this didn't hit me until Freshman year though. So, 14/15?

Edit: I just remembered you were in that thread as well, so this was somewhat superfluous.

 

tldr; First started wondering around 15, realised I was deffo attracted to men around 17, gay when I was around 18/19, finally started to be ready when I was 23, finally started the coming out process when I was 30...

I've not really had one turning point, but....

Throughout my child hood I've always been a bit different, never liked football (soccer) and when at Primary School I preferred to hang with the girls watching the boys who were playing football (not really noticing where the football was!) and preferring to play with my sister and her toys (even if it was primarly as an enhancement of mine - e.g. the TMHT hanging out in Barbies camber van) and never really being into macho things (e.g. I never got Kung-Fu or WWF). Then during High School as my fellow class mates started to "like" girls I never understood it - I just didn't have those feelings. Then again my best mate wasn't really interested in them either, so I just put it down to being a late developer or something. Though out this time I was pretty much called poofta or queer every day (although to be fair they, along with spaz, were the generic insults of the day).

During my final year (15) I found out that both Poof and Queer meant Homosexual which meant that someone is attracted to someone of the same sex. At this point a spark went off in my head and I started to wonder if the reason I didn't like girls was because I liked boys instead. But I reasoned than no I didn't, so couldn't be.

Then towards the end of my first year of college the sun started to come out and the hot guys at college started to ware less and less (growing up in the north west of England means everyone is pretty much wearing a coat suitable for rain protection all the time - I think we are born wearing a rain coat) and on a few occasions I caught myself checking these guys out - especially when they were running around the local park playing League or Football in the with one team of shirts and the other of skins! Again I pretty much ignored it, but the next couple of years proved it.

During my second year of college (17) I finally figured out I was attracted to guys when I realised I was pretty much constantly checking out this other hot guy all the time (And Brian Souter of Stagecoach will I'm sure be pleased to know that at least one of his passengers was figuring out they were attracted to the same sex while he was pumping his own money into a campaign to continue the ban on the promotion of homosexuality in schools). At this time I kinda realised I was gay but didn't want to admit it to myself, and especially not others. While looking for university places though I did check out what LGB stuff they had (local clubs, pubs, and student organisations though) - thanks wholly to and article in the University of Coventry's student magazine which was about there LGB Soc which made me realise such things existed.

In the first year of uni it was confirmed to me when I had this huge crush on one of my, straight, flat mates - however it's my one regret that I never plucked up the courage to go to the LGB Soc - it took way too long to get over being scared of being seen there by someone I knew - it never occurred to me that if someone was there they were probably in the same boat themselves!

It took until my final year of uni (23) to finally be ready to tell someone, but by that point I'd pushed everyone away and didn't know who I could confide in.

Fast forward another half decade and a bit - thanks to Facebook I got back in touch with two of my closest childhood friends and both of them have there "interested in" set to "men" and both are in a relationship which another guy (and the photos of the happy couples prove it!) and once again it makes me realise that to get the same I really need to come out to someone, anyone, and when you end up with half of the male members of staff (who are based in the same office as you) being interested in guys it kinda makes me realise that people can be okay with it, while also providing someone I can confide in!

Then a couple of things happened on works night outs (which always end at gay bars/clubs BTW) which kinda forced me to come out to someone (one evening basically being asked for the best part of half an hour who I'm interested in / am I gay; then another on the day before my 30th birthday when we were having a little gathering and one of my colleagues asked "where do you see yourself in 10 years" to which I heard another* quip (in the background) "with a nice boyfriend" and to which I thought you don't know how right you are there).

It was being a pride with two of my, gay, colleagues that finally made me comfortable in accepting it though (started the day with only one knowing - for about two weeks - ended the day with both knowing and some of their friends knowing too!). Still don;t know why I can't tell anyone else though.

* said swine also seams to bring this topic up on a near daily basis - normally by whispering "qboys gay" just randomly...

And this can only be down to the changing attitudes and increased representation of LGBT people in the media over the last decade or so (especially here in the UK). - years in brackets are when they ceased to be the case.

When I was in my mid teens representation of gay people on TV was limited to one tv soap, and one advert. The only sportsman who had come out had committed suicide, The Sun was on a quest to out and shame as many gay people it could, the "promotion of homosexuality" was banned in schools (2003), the age of consent was unequal (2001), gays couldn't served in the armed forces (2000), there was no such thing as gay marriage (2005*). Heck, when I was born Homosexuality had just been decriminalised in Scotland (1981) and was about to be decriminalised in Northern Ireland (1982). Transsexulism was also declassified as an illness in 2002.

Here the coming of the Labour government and there "pro-human rights" agenda really was a turning point - no only have most of the equalisation come on their watch, but the countries attitudes really have changed - The Sun stopped outing people and Stephen Gatley (from Boyzone) choose to use them to come-out on his own accord, the Queer As Folk came along. Since then LGBT people have been in most TV shows - Coronation Street (one of our longest running soaps) has had a main character who is trans since the mid 1990s, and Eastenders (the other main soap) has recently had a mixed race civil partnership ceremony (and for the last decade both have pretty much had LGBT characters for the whole time).

* 2005 for Civil Partnerships, 2011 for Civil Partnerships in religious buildings and 2015 for marriage (supposedly)

Look at LGBT rights in the United Kingdom - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - all the main things would have been red xs when I turned 13.

 

I'm in my mid-twenties. I had my first crush on a girl when I was 13. It continued alongside crushes on boys and attraction to (few) men until last fall.

I identified as bi to my friends, but lived as a straight person. I didn't seek out women and the only woman I had dated turned out to be somewhat of a nutcase in my eyes.

One evening my housemate and I talked about orientation. She's probably the straightest woman I know, but also one of the most understanding and reflected on LGBT issues. I told her that I identify as bi, but I've never properly gone for it. Then she told me, "But... what if the love of your life is a woman?!" Being the romantic that I am, this set some rusty old wheels turning in my head. "What if..."

A few weeks later, contemplating my romantic history, I realized that all the men I had had really strong feelings for, were men that almost never showed me any sign of interest or were completely unavailable for some reason. Women, however, was a completely different matter. I realized that I tend to be attracted to women when they seemed to show obvious interest and were in my social circles, rather than on the other side of some moronic unsurmountable distance or other issues.

Last fall I found myself in a place where I had simply lost my (imagined?) attraction to men. Everyone I was interested in, were women! And I was interested in them because they seemed to have taken an interest in me, first. The whole thing was quite mindblowing, like a mental revolution. I started the coming out process a week later.

 

Yes, for me it was actually like an epiphany, but it gets me embarassed :icon_redf!!!

I always talk about the momment in wich I was ... forced ... to face myself and ask me seriously what I am. This happened some months ago, a couple weeks after I got 25 years old.

It is a looooooong story, so I'll tell the brief version. I was looking on the internet for some pictures of pretty women (I was that bored) and found a girl I liked. So I looked for more pic of her and found a lot. Really liked her. So I found her site and, naturally, decided to pay a visit there.

When I looked at her profile, it turned out she used the word "ladyboy" to describe herself, so I understood that she was a man. At the time I wasn't familiarized with the term 'transgender'.

This is what embarrases me :icon_redf: After knowing that, I actually felt a strong attraction to her. The feeling was sooooooo Strong, soooo Clear, and undeniable came after knowing she was a "ladyboy", that I had to aks myself: "Why did I got turned on when I learned she was a man?". I decided to put the answer on waiting, so I could do some research.

After that, I learned about bisexuality, and thought about my past crushes. Since around 12-13 years old, 10%-20% of my crushes had been males. Since that age, every time I got a crush on a boy, I just ignored it and my mind drifted to somewhere else, so I never faced those facts. But now, I had to face it, because I was undeniably attracted to her after learning she was a boy.

So after pondering, I reached the conclusion I'm on a 2 (maybe 2.5) on Kinsey's Scale. I said out loud "I'm bisexual" and the gear clicked in place, moved, and almost inmediately felt like a heavy burden was lifted out of my shoulders. At that momment, I knew I am bisexual.


------
P.D. That thing about a gear clicking in place and moving is someting I use to know and understand things. It's coplicated, and I swore to explain it on my blog .... someday....

 

The turning point for me was actually very strange. I was on a one-day temp job selling decorations at a beach festival this summer.

I saw a woman wearing a nice pair of jeans. She was built a little more curvy (NOT fat, just curvy), the way I am, so I asked her where she got them. Then I realized I was staring at her thighs. Then I realized I was talking to her as though I was hitting on her. Then it basically hit me. Up until that point, I had fantasized about women, I had a crush on a female friend before, etc etc, but I'd never ACTED GAY. I did it by accident due to my boredom on my job.

A few days later I got into a fight with my boyfriend and came out to him.

 

I didn't realize I was queer until a few months after I turned 19. While before that I'd had a couple mild crushes on guys, I was completely uninterested in relationships. I did consider the fact that I might not be straight, but it was equally difficult for me to picture myself with someone of any gender.

Then I got to college and met my roommate. We didn't click right away, yet as the semester wore on I gradually started to care for her more and more. In January it finally dawned on me that the feelings I had for her didn't quite seem platonic anymore. I wasn't sure, however, until the first day of February. I saw her eating dinner with a male friend who she had been spending quite a bit of time with lately. The thought crossed my mind that she might be interested in him romantically, at which point I returned to my dorm and proceeded to cry for the next three or four hours.

Since then I've mostly come to terms with my orientation. I say "mostly" because I honestly don't know exactly what it is yet. While I am generally only romantically interested in women, I seem to have a soft spot for cute anime guys, though those feelings seem to be more along the lines of what I feel when I look at pictures of my cat than when I try to picture my female crush's face.

 

How about ancient bloomers? (40+)

I just came out to myself and my wife and stepdaughter and neighbor on September 19th as Bi, then had the epiphany that I was Gay on the 21st. It was the whole puzzle coming together like a giant CLICK inside my head. Thats when I knew I was Gay. It helps that I remember being on my knees in front of five other boys when I was 8 years old and playing a game, and I really enjoyed it. *btw* we were all around 7-8. That thought was buried due to many yrs of sexual abuse which happened later,... so. No I know and I am on my own, looking to learn who I am.

P.S. I did have a 6 month period 2 yrs ago when I was 100% sure I was transgender. But with a lot of family help and a lot of meds they were able to lock that back in the closet for the last 2 yrs, until now. Of course they don't know about me coming out gay now, and we will just leave it at that.

 

Um... Basically, my second girlfriend (current best friend) kept on telling me I wasn't straight while we were dating, and after a hundred or so times, it stuck... :lol:

Actually, I'd already given thought to the fact that I might not be straight, but it was more of an afterthought, something that would pop into my mind quickly, and then disappear like a subliminal message. I'd never really given much thought to being with a guy, sexually or romantically before that, but I do recall that I knew the idea didn't turn me off or creep me out.

I'll give her credit too, because she had no trouble bringing the facts to back up her accusations. She'd point out my music (mostly female singer/songwriters, pop), mention the way I walked, or my moods, and any other number of tells, but I tended to ignore her for quite some time. She is Bi herself, and didn't have a problem with it. I guess she just thought I should know. Finally, it just clicked with me. I started paying more attention to guys and how they made me feel, and realized that I was into them just as much as I was into girls. I remember coming out to her.

I was like, "Yeah, I'm Bi."

She said, "I know." and laughed. I did manage to surprise her with the gender thing though. She did not see that one coming at all, so score one for me.

I believe I was twenty-three at the time.

 

I can remember feeling different than other boys since I was little. As I got older my first crush was on a boy and I never felt any attraction to women. You would think I would have been realized I was gay pretty early, but my dad always made it clear that being gay was something wrong and to be ashamed of. Because of this I spent my teenage years going back and forth between wondering if I was gay and denying it. You can guess that led to a long depression that didn't really begin to go away until I moved out for college.

It has been over two years since I moved out, and Its only been since may 12th of this year that I was finally able to accept myself and shortly after come out to my friends. I can't really think of any one thing that led to this acceptance; I just realized how pointless it was to be living my life for other people when it was killing me inside. Sometimes it feels like things are changing really fast, but for the first time in a long time I am content with myself.

Of course there is a lot more to my story than just what I have written, but I feel this gets the general idea across.

 

I'm a late bloomer as well. If I had to pick a cause, I'd say it was a combination of a super conservative Southern Baptist upbringing, very low drive for sex or romance, and a preference for being alone. I didn't start questioning my lack of attraction to men and general feelings of gender queerness until I was 26 (Sept 2011). Several men I loved hanging out with took an interest to me, and I wanted to know why I couldn't reciprocate their feelings. I forced myself to start fantasizing and masturbating on thoughts of men, to see if I could trigger something. However, my instinct kept putting me in the male role, a man with a women, and for the first time in my life I felt aroused. At first I questioned my gender, so I sought out answers from genderqueer women online. Now it was impossible to fantasize about men because my brain had been hijacked by a straight teenage boy! (Jan 2012) ...and that's when the epiphany hit me.

I'm a little saddened and confused why this didn't happen sooner. However, for safety and family reasons, plus not having any internet access to seek help, maybe it was for the best.

Here's my first post. There's several people on there sharing similar stories that you might find relevant: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/56432-sexual-disorientation.html

 

i'm 32, about to turn 33 and i think i had my coming -out about a year ago. the sister of my grandmother passed away and i was taking care of much of the arrangement for her funeral. one of my cousin ,together with her best friend who is like family to us has been helping me. for some reason i was attracted to my cousin's best friend. i tried to shake it off thinking that the whole situation of us closely working together triggered the "attraction" but weeks after the wake and funeral i find myself looking for her. finding ways to spend time with her. she noticed my unusual attention and ask me straight if i feel something for her, i was caught off guard by her question and couldn't come-up with an answer. sensing my discomfort, she told me to relax and it was fine with her that i feel that way for her. few days after that, i met with her for dinner and find myself kissing her.
before all this i never thought of myself as a gay or lesbian. though, i never had a serious relationship with a guy too...i just thought i never found that one guy who could make me fall head over heels in love. i guess, i was never looking for a guy.
a year or so has passed,feeling more comfortable with my self discovery i have manage to come-out to a few trusted friends. sadly, it didn't quite worked out for me and the girl. tho,she is a friend still...
that how it was for me....:eusa_doh:

 

I'm not very "visually attuned". I don't notice things visually that other people pick up on right away. And I just wasn't finding any girl hot. So one day in college, I wondered if I was gay. Which seemed so...dumb. I mean, wouldn't I KNOW? But I went outside and sat on a bench, and waited for a guy to walk by that I could ogle.

Soon, one did. A guy jogged by wearing nothing but short jogging shorts and sneakers. (Hey, it was the early 90s.) I sort of surreptitiously watched him approach, and then more blatantly ogled him once he jogged past. And I got so turned on I thought I was going to tear my jeans. I nearly yelled out "Holy shit, I'm gay!"

Lex

 

It was 24 for me. I was married, and confused.
I guess my reason was the fact that I didn't really think about orientation, but rather assumed. I haven't had "crushes" when growing up. I was never really interested in the things most of my peers were interested in, in a sense I was and still am "alternative", we had different interests in music, art/fashion), as well as I actually enjoyed studying. And one of my really good guy-friends eventually asked me out. So it just seemed like a natural progression in a "hetero-normative" reality (since I didn't really consider another one, not that I was opposed to it, it just sort of happened). It was also more of convenience that grew into a habit. We were really good friends, understood each other well. But after the marriage and all that it involves (meaning intimacy) everything was wrong. At least for me it felt wrong, and he sensed it. So it was not fair to either one of us.
But I finally figured out what was wrong, when I started feeling awkward around a certain girl in my class. I still don't know her name, and probably never will, but that was sort of an eye opener. I started being more aware of what I have been feeling before and what I feel now towards people of my own gender. And it started making sense.
So yeah, that's it. It is easier to breathe now...

 

I'm just now coming to terms with it at 30. In my early 20's I started noticing my attraction to women, but I brushed it off for years. Then it just got to the point where I couldn't (didn't want to) ignore it any more. Looking back, girls may have caught my attention at an even younger age, but I never really realized it back then. I haven't came out to anyone yet and I think it's really going to take some time for me to get to that point. My dad, brother, and uncle are all ministers and I come for a very strict, narrow-minded religious background. I think that played a part in it taking me so long to accept it. I denied it for so long because I was taught it was a sin and I was terrified (still am) of their reactions.

 

I'm 21 right now.....there's this unusual foretelling i might be one of those ancient bloomer eventually since i'm still coming to terms

 

I pretty much worked it out in my teens that I'm gay. Then I genuinely fell in love with a guy who became my boyfriend (aged 20) and subsequently threw my earlier fears about being gay right away. Some time later, my feelings returned and I disclosed them to my boyfriend who dismissed my disclosure and we both swept the whole thing under the carpet....

...fast forward ten years and an unhappy relationship. We finally went our separate ways, amicably. It took me another three years to wake up and smell the coffee. To find the courage to accept myself and embrace my life. Denial is never simple. I believe there are many reasons why it seems impossible for some people to be true to themselves. I once said never. Never would I admit to myself or anyone that I am gay. Then I learned never to say never.

Sexuality is complex. I can form strong emotional attachments to men, indeed be in love with men, but I know where my eyes go... and that is towards women. I now trust my instinct and generally feel comfortable with calling myself gay. It is becoming okay.

 

I always knew I was... different. I never really checked out guys, except I had this crush on my closest male friend in 8th grade, but I never really thought of him sexually.

I thought I was asexual during my teen years, and noticed I thought women more attractive, but I wrote it off as "they're just more aesthetically pleasing..."

I dated men, just because it was "normal" which I feel guilty for now... leading them on like that. I had to start acknowledging my sexuality when I had sexy dreams with other women. I was getting really worried about them, but they kept coming at night. (*cough cough* No dirty puns intended...) I once woke up making out with my pillow because they were so intense... :icon_redf Then I could no longer claim I was asexual lol

Then I had a major crush on my close female friend, but I ignored it. FINALLY when I fell in love with my best friend (also a female) I could no longer ignore how I felt, but I tried. Keeping everything made me go crazy until my dad (who noticed how depressed I was) forced me to tell him what was going on, and I reluctantly told him I was in love with my best friend.

I ended up telling her, and she doesn't feel the same, so we're friends... but it's weird just thinking of her as a friend...

 

Well I'm 22 now, I realized I might be gay around 19 or 20, but it was more like I was in denial. I would tell myself that I had crushes on girls or liked girls but I was straight. So anyway, fast forward to the beginning of this year, I was 21 and I worked with a lady who was/is gay. I began to realize that I may be gay as well. I'd look up the term lesbian on Google, or look up things like, "Straight girl who has crushes on other girls," or "Can straight girls ever be lesbians?" You know, just silly things like that.

So I started to really think about it, and something inside of me just told myself that I am sure that I'm definitely not straight. This was around May/June. So finally I came out to the lesbian I was working with and she had suspected I may be gay, blah blah blah. So the more I hung out with her and talked to her, the more it all made sense to me.

Over this summer I had been going back and forth between thinking I may be bi or straight or lesbian. I came out to my parents on Halloween, so they've only just found out, but coming out to them as gay, it feels right. I still have some doubts as I try to get through all this, but I'm about 85-99.9% sure that I'm a lesbian. (It changes on some days. )

But looking back on things now, I've always had crushes on other females. My first one being at around age 10, I just didn't understand the word lesbian, or the feelings associated with it.