My Dad's reply

That's complete bullshit. It's not a choice, and even if it were, it's still a beautiful choice. And there's no way for him to be supportive at all if he doesn't believe it's okay. Let's say you bring your fiance back home to introduce him to your parents. This is the man you love. How is your dad going to react? "What a nice friend you have?"

 

Well, he just might not understand your sexuality. (He might not ever understand it.)

But, it sounds like he loves you. It'll take some time for all of you to adjust to this. I still have an awkward time telling and showing the guys I like to my mother. :lol:

It doesn't sound like they'll dismiss anyone you bring. :3

 

I'm in the same situation with my dad. He says he loves and he always will but he will never want to be part of my "lifestyle choice". I don't get him because he says he lives me but at the same time he's giving me the cold shoulder because of my sexuality

 

I found a PFLAG pamphlet that basically answers all of parent's frequently asked questions when their kid comes out.

It includes a portion about "why is my child gay?" and goes over that it's just the way we are.

Maybe send it back to your dad?

 

I thought about this some more over lunch.

One thought comes to mind. I'm no longer a practicing Christian, but one thing has always stuck with me. In the bible it when Jesus was on the cross he said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do". Whether you are Christian or not, there is a lot of wisdom in this statement.

I think it applies here also. You father is not gay, likely does not have much experience with gay folk, and for decades has been told it is wrong. So he dosen't really know what he is saying when talking about your "choice".

It is important to remember that our parents are human also, and as such are fallible. I don't want to derail the thread with my experiences, but there are times were the parent->child relationship is reversed. Sometimes they do bad things, we have to be the ones to help them grow and learn from it.

As for where you stand with your family. From your other thread, and from what you posted here. They still love and care about you. They are just working through it. When you meet someone, you should bring him home to meet your parents. Yeah it might be a little awkward, but you what he is gay also. So he'll understand that sometimes our parents know not what they say.

 

It will be all right. What you want to try to do is to avoid getting angry, and just explain when you feel he isn't understanding something. And give him time to work on adjusting his whole worldview, it takes some work and effort, and doesn't just happen instantaneously.

I think it's pretty clear that he is making an effort, so just try to meet him part way.

Your dad is really unfamiliar with LGBT things. Over time, he will become more familiar with them through you (and because he will pay more attention to them, because of you).

Did you add the scare quotes around "choice" and "ok" or are they part of the original?

 

I'm sorry his response included those words that are challenging to you. I suspect that he's in processing mode. Which includes some denial, too.

I think its pretty powerful that's he's looking to be supportive. And he's having a dialogue with you. No closed doors. Keep it going in the most loving way you can and I think that PFLAG pamphlet that dreamwatch linked to is great (thanks!)

You've said in other posts about your parents' conservative beliefs. And that what you experienced with them when you came out is better than you could imagined.

I understand how you feel about these words in his email, I really do. I suggest you look at how you can create a relationship with him that's even more.

Peace

 

I also find the scare quotes interesting. They probably mean he already isn't sure about the veracity of what he's saying there.

 

I think it was a careless choice of words that he may already regret using .. .

It is sad that he said what he said, it must have hurt because you were probably hanging on every word .. but even older people can make errors like anyone else.

Maybe see it as a stage of acceptance and things will get better with more interaction with him. It sounds like you have made great steps with your folks and it just needs a bit more time, and a bit more work !!

 

Bringing the boyfriend home to meet the parents will be a huge, but necessary, step. The awkwardness will fade, but it will take time....

 

I really like your reply. It's best to let your parents know that who we are is not a choice. It is hard for someone who has never experienced what you feel to relate. Everything takes time though; but I can forsee you both having a good relationship again in the near future. The fact that he's left communication open with you speaks volumes. Try to keep your spirits up, I'm sure he'll come around at some point. :3

 

He doesnt "get it" and he somehow thinks this is a "choice" you have made. I guess I would reply in kind.It does not matter if he thinks its "okay" or not. Its not about HIM. This is about YOU. He got to pick his life partner and lifestyle so he thinks you get to "pick" yours. It makes sense to him. He cant think out of the box. It takes awhile for a parent to get used to the idea. My son still cant tell his dad nor will he let me. Its his life though so I dont give a hoot if his dad likes it, agrees with it, accepts it or whatever. As a parent we have to deal with what happens. Its part of being a parent. This is not about your dad. Its fine you told him and you got his "opinion" but thats all it is. Its his opinion. He needs to understand this is not your "choice' My son has told me a hundred times. "Who would CHOOSE to be like this? Who would CHOOSE to be gay? Isnt life hard enough without making a choice like that? I wish it WERE a "choice" and I could simply change my mind.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2013 at 08:06 AM ----------

I love your reply. Its perfect and it gives him food for thought. Kids in our society are allowed to pick their partners. Your dad picked his. He might be mixed up in that respect. If you are not in any way attracted to the opposite gender thats simply the way you were made. We take our kids AS THEY ARE. Tell him you didnt kill anyone, rob a bank, you arent rotting in prison, you arent a drug addict and you dont have cancer. So his life could be a lot worse and his grief would be gone if he would spend a week in the ER of the local hospital....where people have really awful issues. This is a no brainer.Its about YOU YOU YOU. Parents need to "get that" Its very very hard to get used to the idea. I did not plan on this for my child. My plans for him were so different. But they were "my" plans. He has been a dream son and 100% perfect. Great grades, honor student, funny and kind. I wouldnt change him a bit. I had to realize my plans for him were just that..."my" plans. We dont get to make them, change them or refute them. They dont really count. Its his life and he must live it his own way. Its very hard....our parents only had what they learned as kids..and we as parents only see the sterotypes a lot. He will work through it.

 

As others have said, your dad needs time to come around.

Shortly after I came out, my parents hadn't said anything about it at all. It was as if I'd never said anything. So a few months later I told them that I was dating someone. My dad's response was something like "Oh. I wasn't sure what you would do. I assumed you were going to bath houses."

:eusa_doh:

When you're not gay yourself, and have had very little exposure to the LGBT community, there are all kinds of misconceptions that persist. The best thing for you to do is to just live your life the way you want to live it - and provide your dad with a real life example of what a gay person is. With time your dad, and other people around you, will likely have some of those misconceptions cleared up.

 

Well that's monumentally unfair.

So basically he's making the position that you're naturally immoral for something you didn't even choose?

 

Sounds like his thought on the matter are "evolving." He'll get there.

I know it's still hard for you in the meantime, though. (*hug*)