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So how do I begin healing/forgiving?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013.

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  1. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    I signed off last night after realizing how much pure hate I have built up inside for both of my parents. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live the rest of my life hating them for their flaws and my dad and cousin's abuse, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking for unconditional love.

    Looking back, that's what I wanted out of a relationship was just somebody who would give me the unconditional love that my parents never gave me, and even though I'm gay, it was just last year that I thought about just trying to find a woman who would do the mothering my mom never did and wipe away the tears from being molested that I was never allowed to shed as a kid. That's why I don't show any negative emotion at all. I don't show sadness, which is why my family thinks I'm really cold and callous when there's a death. (That did not go over well when my cousin had a stillbirth 4 years ago and I showed no emotion.)

    I learned in psychology class a while ago that if you don't have a family bond feeling growing up, you spend the rest of your life searching for it, and most people in that boat find it in their spouse's family. I didn't find it there.

    I know what romantic love feels like, and that's all good and dandy, but I don't know what unconditional love feels like. Never felt it before. You can search and search for it, but do you ever find it?

    I don't want to carry this burden for the rest of my life. I don't want to feel hatred for my dad, I hate feeling this way. How can I forgive? It's something a lot easier said than done, and I know it's better for everyone in the end, but I just don't know how to do it.

    I'm really trying to make things better with my mom. I did something extra for her, and she didn't even notice. She sent me to the store to get something for a recipe earlier, and when the local grocery store didn't have it, I decided to try and make her day and drive 7 miles out of my way to get it. She didn't even thank me. But I'm trying, I really am. I just hope she notices.

    I guess it's baby steps for now. You can't fix 18 years of dysfunction in one day, but I'm trying.
     
    #1 AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013
  2. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    My background isn't the same as yours, but there are similarities. See here:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/89123-how-close-you-your-family.html

    Specifically, post #18.

    I know what it's like to feel burning rage inside. All day, every day, day after day after day. It's not fun, as I'm sure you know.

    The thing that changed it for me was coming to the realization one day that the only one who was being hurt by all that anger, was me. It certainly didn't bother the people who I was angry at. So, I had to make a decision: Keep eating myself up inside feeling rage toward people who neither knew nor cared or just letting it go and getting on with my life. Maybe in a fashion that would prove the old saying about living well being the best revenge :thumbsup:

    The moment I figured that out, the anger just sort of...went away. I know it's not entirely gone. I can still fee a bit of it sometimes if I need to reach down deep and draw on it to give myself a bit of fire. But it doesn't weigh on my mind all the time and it doesn't keep eating me. And my life has been much happier all around, really. Including the living well bit which has turned out rather well.

    All that said, I can't say I really 'forgave' some much as decided it wasn't worth my bother. I thought I had forgiven for a time, but when my dad died, I realized I hadn't. I didn't go to see him the last time I was home before he died and I was in a class when I got the news. I could have left work and taken time off to go home for his funeral. I just went back to my training and didn't say anything. And I was (and am to this day) totally fine with that and a pretty darn happy guy all around. Sometimes I think forgiveness is highly overrated and not necessary for healing.

    Anyway, don't know if any of this will help, but I hope it does.

    Best,

    Todd
     
    #2 AKTodd, Aug 24, 2013
  3. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Perhaps this is another issue you might discuss with a therapist once you get to college.

    One thing that might help is going to college. I don't think it will magically make the problem go away. But you won't have the daily aggravation anymore. You will be focusing your attention in a new direction. Again, it won't make the problem go away, but it may help a bit, and you may grow in ways that allow easier forgiveness.

    As for the family bond, is there any hope for extended family? In my case, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my father that has become next to non-existent the last few years. The one blessing is the relationship with extended family has gotten better. While there are limits, at least there is someone in the family who hopes I won't off myself this Christmas as I sit alone in the living room, and stare out at the rain.
     
    #3 BMC77, Aug 24, 2013
  4. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    Yeah, but I figure you've got to start somewhere, and there's no time like the present. This is the first of the last three full days living with them, and living in my hometown. I sure hope I never live here again. I may be a small-town boy, but I don't like small towns.

    Your point about Christmas is another good point. I had thought about it last Christmas about how much getting used to that would take to having Christmas just the two of us with no kids opening presents and not going over to my grandma's house.

    But yeah, I do agree that I need a therapist, and I'm going to get one.
     
    #4 AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013
  5. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Yes, you might as well start now. Just don't expect a huge miracle--18+ years of dysfunction does not go away easily.

    Glad to hear you'll get that therapist.

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2013 at 03:52 PM ----------
    I've been alone on Christmas for most of the time for several years. It is not fun.:tears:

    Years back, a college professor commented about Christmas carols talking about being home for Christmas, and they really don't have the full impact until that first year one is alone.
     
    #5 BMC77, Aug 24, 2013
  6. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    That's another reason I'd like to live in San Francisco...only an hour and a half away from my aunt and her wife. At least then I'd have some loving and accepting family to spend holidays with.
     
    #6 AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013
  7. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Yes. And this gets back to the idea I pointed out earlier of building up extended family ties.
     
    #7 BMC77, Aug 24, 2013
  8. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    I love my aunts that live in California. They're the only ones that understand me. My aunt's wife had to endure a brutally disapproving mother and while she couldn't make it out here back in June, my aunt told me she completely understands the situation, and she wished she could have made it out here to meet "my beautiful beau."

    And I know for a fact that they would absolutely love our company.
     
    #8 AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013
  9. starfish

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    Yeah hate is not a good thing to have. I thing Buddha said it best

    "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned."

    Those are words I live by. When I was your age I was pretty bitter at my parents for the stuff that happened when I was a kid. I don't know what happened, but one day I was tired of holding onto it, and just let it go. The past is the past and no one can change it. All we can do is change what we do in the future. I tried rebuilding my relationship with my mom before she died, but unfortunately we just did not have enough time. That is the only regret I have.

    Things are pretty good between me and my dad now. We're both older and wiser now, and I think that has helped.

    Another thing to keep in mind. All the stuff (good and bad) that has happened in our past is what has guided us to where we are now. Without it you wouldn't have met your boyfriend, and you have all of the awesome stuff that awaits you in the future.
     
    #9 starfish, Aug 24, 2013
  10. AwesomGaytheist

    AwesomGaytheist
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    That's a great quote. Sounds like something Ghandi would say.

    I think the reason that I'm so angry about it now is because it's been building up inside for so long and this is the first time it's coming out. It's like a dam. When the pressure gets too much, at first it starts leaking a bit, then a little more, and a little more until eventually it gives out and it comes all blasting out. In extreme cases, that's how people get killed, especially when parents are abusive.

    Thankfully it didn't and it's not going to get to that point, and I'm trying to get it all out now, as I honestly think that's the first step in healing is expressing and getting out all your anger, because if you don't, you won't get better.
     
    #10 AwesomGaytheist, Aug 24, 2013
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