Hi everyone, On EC, we often discuss the issues related to age gaps in relationships (e.g., the ethics of a couple ages 16 and 20). I am fully convinced that there are very real dangers in an adult dating a teenager. Last fall, in a desperate attempt to convince my mother that I was not lying about being bisexual (although I was, at that point, out to friends as gay), I reciprocated the advances of a 16-year-old girl. The closest we ever came to real intimacy was kissing. No tongue. No touching. The entire ordeal - from her saying she wished to kiss me to a mutual decision to take things no further - spanned approximately two weeks. We executed some particularly foolish actions, including kissing during a church choir rehearsal. We shared personal stories and secrets. I knew, all the while, that she was a vulnerable person who should not be subjected to an older individual who was very nearly as vulnerable at heart. We shared some common history (e.g., parental abuse), which made me recognize the dangers signs all the sooner: I knew, instinctively, how wrong it would be to respond to comments like, "You're really sexy and beautiful. I want to kiss you." It was a disgusting, reckless decision. My mother kicked me out of the house and her mother is revolted by my very presence (I did apologize, but what could I possibly offer her to justify my gruesome abuse of her daughter's emotions?). I have also apologized to her; she insisted I did nothing to harm her. In Rhode Island, where I live, 16 is the age of consent. Legality is thus a peripheral issue. The real issue was my immaturity and careless neglect of my common sense. Ultimately, it was two weeks of talk and the occasional kiss. We both felt a real physical attraction and sense of friendship, but my decision led to an absolutely justified fall from grace, at least in the eyes of her mother - and that does count. To her, I'm a child abuser. To me, I'm a child abuser. I can't shake the intense guilt and shame I feel. I feel it every day. I've made the amends that I could, and no laws were broken. I understand that there may be situations in which ages 16 and 21 could be compatible, but find it difficult to cite any particular scenario in which any such dynamic could be applicable. I also understand that my situation could have become astronomically more dangerous than it did. Still, I can't believe I could have been so extravagantly adolescent in my choices. I feel so revolted by the mere memory of the guilt that accompanied every minute of those two weeks. I feel permanently tainted. I've done what I could, and the mistake was, in reality, hardly catastrophic. I know this, but can't shake what self-hatred is left. Any words of advice?
Alright, a few things: 1. You were under extreme pressure, made desperate by the denial of your mother. 2. You only reciprocated advances, not initiated them. 3. You did not have any malicious intent, you weren't trying to "seduce" anyone or get them into bed. 4. I strongly believe that another girl saying things like "You're really sexy and beautiful" to you was just what you needed, having someone acknowledge and appreciate you for who you are, even if it WAS a very young girl. 5. I hardly consider people your age (21) full adults yet, so to me, it wasn't really an adult interacting with a teenager, it was a teenager interacting with a younger teenager. 6. I think the reactions of both your and her mother are inacceptable and cruel! Ultimately, YOU were pressured and forced into desperately finding a way to prove your orientation to your mother in denial. You are NOT a child abuser! Please, don't beat yourself up over it, there is no need. You did well, all circumstances considered. Try to explain to your mother why you did it and how you felt so pressured and unappreciated. And really... the fact that you feel this strong guilt shows that you're a good, kind-hearted person and want to take responsibility for your actions. Maybe you are too good a person for your own good... Best wishes and hugs...(*hug*)
First, recognize that human beings are inherently fallible. Second, recognize that the first case is even more so when matters of romance and emotions are involved. Oxytocin (the hormone released when we feel attraction) can basically hijack the brain and reason can go out the window. So this is all to say that... while you made a bad choice, you are not a bad person. Big difference. 5 years at 16 is a big gap, but I've heard about much, much, much less healthy relationships (18 and 40, for example.) So recognize that you made a bad choice... and then forgive yourself for it. I doubt there's anyone on EC that hasn't, somewhere or another, made a really bad choice they wish they shouldn't have. In your case, other than a couple of angry parents, there is no real harm to the other person, and that's a blessing. So you can recognize it as an unwise choice, and love yourself enough to give yourself permission to make that mistake, learn from it, and move forward in a healthier way.
Can't even begin to explain how much this helped. Thank you. ---------- Post added 3rd Jul 2014 at 08:21 AM ---------- That is a wonderful thing to hear and exactly the sort of thing I struggle to believe. Thank you.
You're very welcome, this is what EC is for after all. Chip also summed it up nicely. Humans are fallible by nature. It's important that we forgive, and better ourselves. You were forced into a corner and acted in desperation, but you still managed NOT to hurt anyone else in the process and stopped when you realised it was unwise. That is admirable and mature. And I can't help but feel a bit happy about that you at least got some much needed affection and finally proved your mum what she didn't want to believe. I hope things calm down soon, so you can focus on finding a partner that really suits you, and is not the result of an act of desperation or rebellion against a parent in denial.
spockbach, I agree with everyone else here. You are only 21 yrs old. Some 16 yr olds look and act much older than they are too. Im a mom and our son just turned 19, he is gay and never has had a relationship. But if he were in your situation and I found out about him being close with a 16 yr old, I would simply talk to him. Here where we live it would be a crime if a 21 yr old was having a relationship with anyone under 18. So, I definitely would have to intervene for his protection. I would not kick him out, no way. I really hope that your mother will be able to get to a point where she can talk to you and realize the situation for what it was. You are not a horrible person. Take care
You guys really are so awesome - can't even begin to explain how much all these responses have made a difference to me; they really stay with me and I know they'll help with the painful thoughts that often emerge from day to day. My mother still does not believe I'm gay, unfortunately, but hopefully that will change. If it doesn't, I suppose it doesn't ultimately make a great deal of difference.
But it didn't, mostly due to your actual integrity in both being sensitive to what was truly appropriate to the situation, and pulling back once you were sure of this. You're not 'a child abuser', believe me. The real ones would not have held back as you did, would not be feeling so much remorse, and would not be posting about it on a public forum. You get no such judgement from me. And by the way, I'm an actual survivor of abuse. I would call what you did an error of judgement - which you have rightly seen, and have attempted to make amends for. Reflect, learn, and move on. Damien.
Part of the reason I'm so afraid of becoming a real child abuser is that I also was abused, and would never be able to live with myself if I became cognizant of such behavior on my part.
Agreed. I'm 45 yet still have some healing to do from it. But once again, what happened to me, you can't actually compare it with the error of judgement you made, they are not even in the same category...that would be like comparing going under an avalanche, with getting hit by a snowball. That's why I say, reflect, learn, move on. The shame you are feeling, yes I would feel it also in your situation, but once it has served it's purpose - which I think it already has - it's not healthy to hold on to for too long, or to identify with it. Your own past pain might be exacerbating your reaction to all of this, I suspect. Anyway, a big (*hug*) from me D.
Your behavior came from a place of hurt and confusion, so It's understandable. I don't really think you did anything that terrible- It wasn't sexual at least and the girl wasn't hurt by it. Your mom is the real one at fault here.
I so appreciate all of your responses; they have helped me enormously. I don't think even I realized how badly I needed to hear some common sense from sincerely well-meaning people.
