Unable to connect with anyone (romantically and as friends)

I'm an 18 year old girl. These past two months have been a very, very depressing time for me. All my life, I've never felt like I could really 'connect' with anyone. All of my friendships failed within a year or two of starting them when I was growing up, because I never reached out to others to hang out or talk; they would always reach out to me. I've really been trying to improve this year though. I was embarrassed of having people over at my house because of my family, and I just never got to that place of having deep "girl talk" with friends that you're supposed to have. The only friend I have that I've known since I was 6 years old doesn't know really know anything about me. There are huge chunks of my life I've kept a secret from her. No one knows about the problems I have in my family, what I want to do with my life, etc. People come to me with their problems and I listen to them, but I just can't even fathom sharing any of mine. People like spending time with me because on the outside, I'm this huge clown that just wants to joke around and not take anything seriously. But it's so draining and tiring keeping that act up. The only person in my life who I feel knows the real me is my twin sister. I think that extremely close relationship with her has crippled me (because I feel like I technically don't need anyone else).

Obviously, this has affected me romantically. I always took my non-existent crushes on guys and chalked it up to being emotionally closed off, but now I'm not so sure anymore; I'm beginning to wonder if my lack of emotional attachment to guys is because I'm gay. Two months ago, I confronted the idea that I might be gay, but I wish I never did. Whatever weak fantasies I used to have about being with a guy and marrying a guy have become impossible to have since this realization. It's like that part of my brain - in my subconscious - that was able to fantasize about having a relationship with a guy has been finally switched off ever since the words "am I gay?" have popped into my mind.

To be honest though, I don't know if I can really be open with anyone , regardless of gender. I would hate to be asexual. I seriously don't think I am, because I know I'm capable of love - it's just buried very, very, very deep. I am not a romantic person at all, although I wish I was. The thought of flowers and heart shaped boxes of chocolate make me extremely uncomfortable, although I like the idea for other people (just not myself). For a while, I really mourned the fact that I might be gay, because I know men tend to be less romantic than women, and would probably expect less from me emotionally and like the fact that I'm extremely low-maintenance. But I know that's wrong of me, to want to be with anyone because of the simple fact that they won't expect much from me emotionally.

I know this post is a mess, but can anyone relate to what I'm going through? I don't know if I'm gay with repressed same-sex attraction due to shame/fear, straight with repressed opposite-sex attraction because I'm terrified of being open/vulnerable with a guy, or just asexual with no hope of ever connecting with anyone at all. My whole life is a big mess right now, but I was able to numb myself well enough to deal with the pain for a long time - that is, until two months ago. Ever since I confronted my sexuality, I feel like it's been the straw that's broken the camels back. This whole new layer of confusion added to my life is too much to bear. I feel completely overwhelmed. I don't know if I should drop everything and run away, or just do what I've done the past 18 years of my life and take all thoughts of love, sexuality, and romance and put them in a box, lock the box, and shove it in a corner to be unacknowledged. I've went this long having never been in a relationship with anyone (or even so much as having kissed someone), as well as having no genuine friends I can open up to. I'm beginning to wonder if it would be easier to keep doing this for the long term.

Does anyone out there understand how I feel? I'm starting to wonder if loneliness and being shut off is just a part of who I am - that it's in my nature. It breaks my heart thinking that I'll never be able to change, because the thought of ever being different seems to unreal to me. Thanks for any advice

 

Hello Quem. I don't know why I have such a fear of intimacy to be honest. It's not like I was neglected as a child. My mother would always smother me with love (she's a wonderful mom, a great balance of being affectionate and letting me be free and make my own decisions). My dad was... strange, though. He has a lot of problems. I think he may have a mild, mild form of Asperger's. He's extremely intelligent, which gets on my nerves, because he has this very formal, robotic way of speaking (short, direct sentences, and a very complex vocabulary - a big left brain type of guy). It was always hard growing u, because I know he's capable of great sensitivity inside. It's just that on the outside, he's such a callous and abrasive person. He never knew how to sugar coat things. He says exactly what he means, and his words can be like daggers. Sometimes I even think it's comical, how blunt he can be. It's like he wants people to be mad at him, which is tragic. I know he can be an emotional person, but it's like he just doesn't quite "get" how to please others (or at least avoid offending them). That's getting off topic though. I'm sure my daddy issues have something to do with all of this, but I'm seriously skeptical if daddy issues can really influence sexuality itself. I think they might be able to influence how you come to terms with it and when... but I don't know if they can account for the signs that were there long before I really started having issues with my father. What do I know though. Maybe.

What I do with my friends? Most of the time, they're too wrapped up in their own issues to ask me about myself. I'm to blame too though, because I keep the focus off of me by being very attentive and asking lots of questions (Really? Explain? How long? What do you mean? Describe it? that's interesting). On the few occasions someone has opened the door for me to share, I just brush things off with some generic reply. Something like "ah, you know. Not much." My friends aren't the most prodding people. They don't sense any cue to keep asking "no really, what's wrong." Maybe that's why I feel comfortable being friends with them in the first place.

I have no problem sharing my opinions and talking about things, people, places, and events. It's just when I have to talk about myself that all the radar goes up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I never really wanted a romantic relationship growing up, for two reasons I can recall strongly. One, everyone in my family is pretty much divorced, and my parents who aren't have an awful marriage. Literally, cheaters, beaters, liars, manipulation - there aren't any model relationships to be found in my family. The one aunt and uncle I have that are still together actually despise each other - my aunt even tells me how I should never get married, because it's all a hoax and it'll ruin my life! Secondly... and this is the weird one to explain... I don't think of myself as a very sexual person. It's kind of awkward for me to talk about - hence why I'm doing it anonymously on a forum, and would never speak about it in real life. I guess I'm just very uncomfortable with myself. A sexual relationship is something I can *imagine* for myself in the back of my mind, but something I simultaneously can't ever believe happening to me in real life. It's actually pretty sad. It's confusing to me. I don't know if something happened to me down the road that made me this way.

Man, this response was a big bumbling mess. Sorry for that. Thanks for reaching out though. It's really nice to feel like someone's listening, even if that person is a total stranger. It makes me feel less isolated

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2014 at 06:40 PM ----------

Thanks for the clarification

 

Thanks Quem . I don't really know how to describe why I haven't done these things. It's a mix of reasons - most of the time, I just don't even put myself in a big position to share. The same goes with dating I think. I get asked all the time how I've gone this long without ever having been in a relationship with a guy, or having even kissed one. The questions were almost along the lines of "how do you resist" or "how do you turn it down", when in reality, there's nothing to turn down. I've literally just never been in a situation that would permit any of these things to happen. I don't know why.

I want to try being more open, I really do. But it's like I have this invisible mental block - like I said before, half of my brain telling me "it's not too bad, go for it", and the other half of my brain making me feel like those thoughts are a complete fantasy, and "realistically, you know that's just not going to happen." it's strange. It's almost like I *know* beforehand that I won't be able to actually will myself to be open, even if I can imagine myself doing so.

I agree that I need to be more confident. I guess I just don't like creating close relationships because I don't want to seem like a burden. It's not so much of a "how will anyone ever love me" kind of thing (though that's definitely a factor). I almost feel like if I was to get in a relationship, the very second we had a fight or I did something annoying/upsetting, I would want to break things off because I would feel guilty about the other person having to put up with me.

Thanks for all the encouraging words though :icon_sad: