Missing my dead father and feeling guilt.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. Your pain really comes through in your writing. The conflicting emotions you are experiencing seem perfectly natural, but I think the guilt is not necessarily warranted. You know you didn't cause his death, and you know you couldn't have helped him. You were also a victim in many ways, and it was not your position to help him, especially given that you were a child, and you were his child.

Have you seen a therapist who specializes in abuse and family issues? I do think that one can work these emotions with the right professional, and I feel you could benefit from it. I really hope you would give it a try.

 

This is why alcoholism so fucks up the lives of people around the alcoholic. Your grandmother's drama is the quintessential enabling behavior and crazymaking that occurs in codependent relationships.

The very first part of the solution to this problem is that you forgive yourself. The second part is to forgive your father. I fear the rest of the relatives may need to be quarantined.

Although your father is passed on, could you find something like an alanon group (which is for family members of alcoholics)? They may be able to help you. It is not easy to get through this, as it will have you questioning a lot of your assumptions.

My dad was a long time member of AA. He took a lot of secrets to his grave. He wasn't as challenging a father as yours was, but in many ways he was absent emotionally. I have forgiven him; in fact, I understand his challenges much better now, but on my terms.

Alcoholics can't be rescued by talking to them, or by having that "one more try" at "doing it right." It's tough to understand, but you have to find a way to realize that this is not your fault.

 

I totally agree with what is being said by the other responses. I was in a similar situation with my mom. As I've mentioned in a previous thread, I did not have a good relationship with my family due to my sexuality and since mom was the one who took a private conversation that I had with her when she confronted me about my sexuality, we had agreed to keep it between the two of us until I felt ready to address the rest of the family about it. However, she went behind my back and told not just the immediate family, but the remaining family members as well. The fact of the matter is this...our relationship has not been the greatest over the years. Although, there were many times that I did try to extend an olive branch, she only spoke to me when she needed some financial help or a favor. Otherwise, there was never any concern about me from her especially when I was raped, beaten very badly and left for dead. It really hurt me to see how she was so supportive to my siblings all the time despite how some of them had treated her and yet, she was there for them unconditionally, but with me, there was no support not only from her...but from the siblings as well and I have always been there for all of them when they needed help despite how they felt about my sexuality. However, there did come the time where I started to move on and let them be especially after not receiving any family support when I definitely needed it. So...when my mom got really sick...she had a lot of remorse towards me because one of my sisters had reached out to me and would call me all the time. When her and the rest of the family found this out...it caused a lot of problems for her and because I knew where her true loyalty was, I had mentioned to her several times to end our relationship in order to get them off of her back because I knew she could not handle it. Anyway, up until my mom passed away...the only time I heard from her was when she wanted something from me which I complied because at the end of the day...she was my mom and it was done from me out of respect for that reason even though she still treated me very bad.

When she passed away, the only thing I felt for her was now she's at peace and no longer suffering. Since I also been having this long standing bad relationship with my siblings, it made it even easier for me not to go to the funeral because I did not want to feel awkward or out of place. There was even a moment, when my sister persuaded me to go to the funeral and stay with her because she wanted me there for her support. However, when out of town relatives showed up unexpectedly, she threw me to the curb for them and once she found out that they had a hidden agenda behind their visit, she wanted me to have a change of heart and re consider her invite to the funeral. I did not...and this caused her and my siblings once again to have nothing to do with me...but I was fine with it because like I've mentioned...there was no relationship established with none of them so...how could I feel bad about not being there when I've been abandoned by them and her for so many years???

Okay, so what I am saying to you by telling you all of this is that it I did go to therapy and I was told that I am handling the whole situation appropriately and I have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about due to what has been set in stone for so many years by my family and my mom. Although, some of my siblings made attempts to make me feel like I aided her death by keeping my distance...I did not care what they had to say or what they thought due to my relationship with them and I came to realize that they were feeling guilty about their behavior towards her and just wanted to shift blame on someone and they chose me. Seek therapy and I bet that they will say something very similar to what is being said to you on this forum.

 

You're welcome Anthemic...

As you can tell from reading my response that I have quite a bit of experience dealing with people who like to shift blame for their own faults instead owning them. I can recall many times when I was still trying to maintain a relationship with my mom that I would try to buy her love with money and expensive gifts until a boyfriend at that time told me to stop doing that because he felt she was using and manipulating me...which I finally did. I also remember times when I would go to her house to visit on weekends because the family had this tradition where they all would come together at her home. This one particular stuck in my head until this very day. She was with a couple of my siblings and they were helping her with planting flowers around the house. They were laughing and having such a good time with each other but as soon as I drove up to the house, I immediately noticed how the smile left her face and went to a complete frown. I also remembered when one of my brothers whom by the way is a drug addict who have had drug dealers put a gun to her and one of my sister's head until he paid them the money that he owed for drugs and this time...he robbed my home. I had filed a police report and the entire family especially my mom lashed out on me in such a horrific way. Her and I got into this huge argument and she told me that she always felt that I was a complete embarrassment to the family and how she wished she had flushed me down the toilet when I was born. Although, I moved on with my life ...but this is something that I will never forget as long as I am on this earth and this is the main reason why I kept my distance and it was easy for me to not attend her funeral. I had went to therapy to overcome the bitterness, the hurt and the pain that I had for not only her...but my siblings as well. When I was raped, she went to relatives and told them that I deserved it for being gay and more than likely...she felt that I had AIDS...which I did not.

With that being said...prior to her death, she had called me and left a voice mail for me to call her back but she had died the next day. I did not pick up the phone when she called or did I call her back that evening because my sibling that I was trying to have a relationship with had been contacting on a daily basis telling me all the nasty and horrible things she was saying about me and yet...the only time I had any contact with her is when she wanted something or wanted to do something for her. Therefore, you can understand why I did not pick up the phone when she called that day or return her phone call because I immediately assumed it was going to be of a negative nature and I did not want to deal with it. However, for quite some time after her death, the sister that I've mentioned was calling me and saying that I should feel guilty for not picking up the phone when she called or returning the phone call back to her. This caught me totally off guard considering that she was the one who was telling me all the horrible things she had been saying about me everytime she contacted me....Go figure!!!!

I also had one sibling who I had no contact with but she decided to contact me a few weeks after my mom passed away to tell me that I should feel guilty because I contribute to her death since I had separated myself and kept my distance from her and the family which in her opinion was a horrible thing to do. Now...I am hoping that if you are reading all of this...you get the message I am trying to send to you because it has some similarities to what you are dealing with when it comes to family members shifting blame. Take care of yourself...JS:smilewave

 

That's great Anthemic....and this is why I shared my personal story with you. This may sound weird to you but after overcoming all of that I've endured from my family. I have to say that their behavior towards me has helped mold me into the individual I am today because I was determined to not to become just like them and their bad behavior has helped to become the individual that I wanted to be which is a much better person than they are. Also, I have been blessed over the years in so many ways because I had met some wonderful people in my life that had taken great interest in my growth and progress and has helped me in so many ways because they liked the person that I've become. (One day...I will tell you what I mean...by saying this). However, I will tell you that whenever I was met with a wonderful job opportunity such as a promotion and I was not sure if I wanted to pursue it. I would go visit my family because I knew they would respond to whatever good things that I was faced with by giving negative comments as well as discouraging me that I'm not worthy or qualified for anything. Otherwise, try to inflict low self esteem upon me. What they did not realize is that their negativity gave me the motivation to pursue or the confirmation to know that whatever I am contemplating about is going to be a good thing for me. Therefore, I used their negativity and made it a positive situation for me. I reversed it for my benefit and they never failed me. Now if they were to give me positive comments which was rare, then I knew not to pursue.


After my mom told me all those horrible things that she felt about me, and then my brother had robbed me and took just about everything I owned and then I had just got out of the hospital and was on bed rest. Once I recovered and went back to work, I found a place way on the other side of town in order to get far away from them. I had nothing but my clothes, some of my music because he stole and sold a lot of what I owned, and a television...and no furniture...I did not even have a bed. But you know what??? I had PEACE...and that was all that mattered to me at that time. I slept on the floor and made sacrifices with what I had until I was able to expand which I eventually did. I did not see my mom or any family member for almost four years. I did not have any contact because none of them knew my phone number or my address. However, my sister came to my job to pay me a visit and she gave me this letter from my mom asking me how could I stay away from family like that??? I responded that family had made it possible for me to keep my distance and I have one thing that she will never have...PEACE....also, their behavior had made me a very strong individual who is very kind hearted person but if you cross me...:badgrin::eusa_naug ...enough said...haha...so..in conclusion...with all the bad...some good did come out of it...for me.

 

I can relate to you in regards to your relationship with your father.

My father was also an alcoholic. I first started noticing it when I was 15, but Mom said there were issues even before that. He was emotionally abusive, although I never took the brunt of it, my Mom did. Still, it was traumatizing and affected me growing up. One of my birthdays was even ruined since he decided to spend the morning hurting Mom.

He kicked us out of the house one day, but Mom came back when he promised to change. The good news is that he did change. He became a loving father and quit the alcohol, but I found it hard to forgive him until recently. If he died over this, I probably would have blamed myself.

I have legit methyphobia from my experiences. I'm 26, and completely teetotal. I wouldn't even attend my 21st birthday since I was triggered about the idea of any of my friends or family mentioning alcohol. They finally got me to attend when they promised to have a dry party. My first drink was when I was 22, and that was also my last. I did it only to get over my phobia, but I was triggered and ended up passing out even though I wasn't even drunk. To this day, I won't talk to friends if they are drinking and I won't attend parties.

Just know that you're not alone with your past. It's only unfortunate that your father didn't have a chance to change, but your feelings are 100% normal.

 

Have you read this EC page?
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/family-friends-relationships/13108-sons-daughters-alcoholics.html

Your family history risks weighing you down later in life if you do not get them in check. There is only so much a 13 year old can be expected to deal with and you should not feel guilty for anything you did - or did not do. I suggest some therapy targeted at just this aspect of your life so that you can process it and get past it. Or it may dog you for years to come.

You have decades of potential joyful life ahead and it need not be marred by these toxic events in your earlier life that you had not control over.

 

I'm sorry for you and the pain you've had to endure. I think your dreams come from the guilt your feeling and stress. No one should have to experience this situation especially with a parent. My friend's husband's father is an addict. Its caused his family trouble, pain, debt, and physical endangerment. Its tragic because when the man's sober he's a sweet, caring, helpful man.

At this point both his son and daughter rarely interact with him, he's lost all their trust. He's not even allowed to see his own grandchildren. I'm not his family but the hurt it's caused my friends is painful to me. I know it's complicated, when I see him it's a strange mix of sadness, pity, and anger. He's done things I know I can never forgive him of. I can only imagine how his kids feel.

I know you can't just suddenly start not blaming yourself but it's not your fault. None of it is or was. Your father may have been kind to you and your sister and at times been a person you could truly call 'father'. But that does not give him the right to abuse alcohol to the point of hurting his family. That is not a responsible parent. And a person like that doesn't deserve you to waste your time, energy, and guilt on them. If I were you I'd be more angry than anything but again I get it's complicated.

I might come off as harsh and I assure I don't mean to sound like I'm saying your father was a terrible human being or that your feelings are not warranted. I honestly think it's very kind of you to see the loving and good parts of him and care so strongly. I just think you should accept how things were and ended. Keep the good memories of your father and let go of the guilt. Like other folks have suggested maybe join a support group for addicts and their families. Whatever you do I hope your dreams are more pleasant.(*hug*)