Hi Everyone, I'm trying to get over a crush, and understand what happened - if that's even possible. Mostly I think I just want to get this out of my system so that I can move on. Since last March I have had some strange interactions with a guy at work. Although we didn't work in the same department, we would see each other in passing. The strange thing is that we always looked at each other, no matter who else was around or what the circumstances were, even though we didn't work together. For no good reason we were getting a substantial look at each other and after a while I think we were cruising each other. On some level I think we knew it. In late July I tried to break the ice, and he was awkward after that. From then on I tried to be normal around him, but he wouldn't even make eye contact. It hurt to see the exact opposite of before - where we once seemed to seek each other out, he now took great care to ignore me or possibly avoid me. I wrote about this here on EC a while ago. I didn't see him wear a wedding ring, but his social media seems to indicate he's married with two kids - this would explain a lot if he were also closeted or unsure of his sexuality. I was on leave for a while, and I found out that in October he left the company while I was away. The last time I saw him he avoided looking at me, and it was almost like he feared seeing me. I have no idea exactly what happened for him but he looked bothered. That's it, the awkward end and my last memory of seeing him. When I got back to work after my leave, there was an odd coffee flask on my desk. It's one of those trinkets companies create with their logo for employees, and this one was to commemorate a successful project. It was new, with the tag still on it. I never worked on this project and I had to do some digging to find out what the project was. I don't know who left this on my desk, and no one on my team does. It's just odd. In the back of my mind I wonder if that guy left it for me as he was leaving, possibly cleaning out his desk. Perhaps an apology, a way to mend fences, a way to express something he didn't want to say, a way to just say goodbye. I'm puzzled. It's a weird and sad kind of "intimacy", thinking that you may be someone's kryptonite, or that you literally are the last person on the planet they want to see. When I saw him it was like a bolt of lightening going through me, and I don't know if he felt electricity or just revulsion. If he was not out to himself or trying to not be gay it must have been upsetting for him; this I can fully understand. The only practical thing I can do is learn from this, and I'm struggling. I feel guilty for even wanting a married guy at work, but then again we don't choose who we develop feelings for. But more to the point, why would I waste my time? What is it about him that would be so alluring, even though there's no practical chance? All my life I wanted my dad's love and approval, and sometimes I got it, and sometimes he was incredibly abusive - physically, verbally, and emotionally. Could my hunger for some types of men be a way of wanting my dad's love? Could I be so desperate to know if this guy at work liked me simply because on some level it would be the approval of a masculine guy not unlike my father? I'm even seeing parallels between my dad's distance and the coolness of this guy. I suppose that being wanted by this guy would be like being loved by my dad. My dad has been gone since 2010, so there is a very real loss and I can't work on that relationship directly. I found out Tuesday that this guy left, and so this is a little fresh and I'm just trying to move on. I so just want to have closure and peace, but my mind won't leave these questions alone. Somehow I think that if I could just understand then it wouldn't hurt so much. As if this could somehow be made right, but the only way to move on is to just accept that this guy was wrong for me and that nothing meaningful could come of it. I'll never know what his experience was either, and that I think is where I'm struggling right now. It's so embarrassing that I feel like this for a man I know is married. When I need to forget I remind myself that his wife is a person with feelings, dreams, heartaches, and a life just as real as mine. I remember all too well my dad's marital problems and how it affected my mom, my brother and I. And here I am, fantasizing about this guy just the same. Right now a lot of daily rituals, moments, songs, memories, and thoughts just lead me to him. In time I'll see that his leaving (whether in any way related to me or not) was the best thing that could have happened. The company is struggling and we have lots of issues, so I know he probably had many very pedestrian reasons for leaving - but I also wonder if it was a relief to be a way from me, or if I was even a consideration. I want so badly to have some significance in his world, and yet the only undeniable fact is that he didn't want me, or didn't want me enough to say so. I really wish that life was orderly, neat, and sensible, but it just isn't. As painful as it is, I still cherish this ache, but I must move on. It's such a strange feeling to grieve something you shouldn't have even thought of as yours in the first place. I'm grieving some idea or abstract potential I suppose. I can't help but wonder if he feels any loss too. Ugh. So, this is me just writing what's inside. I don't know what kind of support I want, but just to write this helps. I know it's so self-indulgent but fuck, I'm sad and kind of empty right now. Please tell me this is something you've been through, can relate to, or have some advice for. Confused, Patrick
Hey Patrick, I don’t know if I can really help, since you laid everything out pretty clearly. As you undoubtedly know, it takes time to get over a crush. Finding distractions in hobbies or with other people can help, but time is the only sure cure. As to why you would crush on a (supposed) married man, only you can really determine. But, first of all, we don’t get to ‘choose’ who we fall in love with, do we? We don’t get to choose who we love any more than we get to choose our sexual orientation. Those of us in the LGBTQ community know that even better than the straight majority of people. Second, perhaps your self-reflection about being attracted to him being tied psychologically to missing your Dad’s love and approval could be true. Only you know that, as well. But I would point out that how you described being attracted to him in the first place had nothing to do with you knowing that he is (was) married and basically unobtainable. Perhaps the fact that his is a father and was unobtainable awoke some type of additional emotional issues for you along the lines of missing your Dad’s love and affection, but don’t you, deep-down, feel that you are perhaps overthinking this? So, then, I’ll just offer one crazy suggestion. Since he’s already left your workplace, you don’t have issues along those lines. Why not contact him? You said that you once instant messaged him. Could you do that again? You could use almost any excuse. Like not having been at work for a while and just finding out he had left so you wanted to say good-bye and wish him all the best in his new job. Or tell him that while you were away from work someone left a commemorative coffee flask on your desk and you haven’t been able to find out who left it – and ask if it was him. Or something along those lines, perhaps? If you really need closure, why not ask him to meet you somewhere for coffee so you can just talk? You already acknowledged that you know better than to have a relationship with him unless he is separated or divorced. So, maybe you could just talk to him about your crush on him and tell him that you just wanted to get it off your chest. He can either open up or simply tell you that he doesn’t return your feelings. His choice, but at least you can have face-to-face closure. I don’t know if this helps…
Quantumreality, Thanks for your thoughtful input. You've uncovered several assumptions I've been making. It may be good to answer the question of how he feels about me one way or another. I messaged him on our work system, so that isn't an option now that he's left. I do know where his LinkedIn profile is, so I could send him an invitation to connect on LinkedIn and send him an email after that. LinkedIn will not allow me to send a message until we have a connection. I could also find his personal email and/or Facebook email, but that would be too forward or aggressive in my opinion. Sending a Facebook friend request doesn't seem to fit either; we're former colleagues only. I'll bet I could find his phone number but that doesn't sound appropriate. So for now I'm thinking of sending a LinkedIn invitation. Is there any other approach you might recommend? Thanks, Patrick
Actually Patrick, given the situation, could you ask for his contact information (personal email) from your company? (Again, just saying that you missed out on saying good-bye while you were away... or something like that?) If not, finding him on Facebook (which I assume you've actually already done) isn't that creepy. It's kind of a standard means of finding someone socially these days. I guess it mostly depends on you. What do you have to lose by going to one of these measures to contact him with a good-will message? If he doesn't respond at all, yeah, that could leave you hanging, but no more so than now. If he responds negatively, I would hope he'd explain why since you were actually on negative terms with him at work. If he responds positively, well then that at least opens the door for you to get a positive closure on this whole thing. Don't you think? Just some thoughts.
Hi Patrick, Your post is intriguing. May I ask you what did you say to him as an ice breaker? How often did you see him before you broke the ice and things went sour? You shouldn't be ashamed of how you feel. Sometimes, we don't need to say anything to each other. We just understand each other. I am sure this is probably what you felt with this guy as crazy as it sounds. Go with your instinct and feelings. The reason why I say this is because I have had two situations happenened like that to me before. Once in college a few years back and recently at work also. I will keep it short, but the guy at college I went to, we were not in the same major. I would see him around and we would always look at each other. I was in the closet during the time so he intimidated me with his looks. He had a gf one point also. It got to the point he asked my friend what my name was, but never cared to ask her what her name was lol. But still, all we did was just look at each other. It felt intimate and real. But that's all there was to it. I'm just letting you know, even though you may have felt something strong and powerful, sometime people cross paths just to cross paths. Just be glad that you met someone that's able to make you feel that way. To feel "alive". I understand that you want closure, however I don't know if there was anything to close. He became awkward and scared when you broke the ice with him, how do you think he will feel when you message him or add him through social media? if you do feel like you need that closure, I would take the linkedin route. Facebook is too personal. It makes more sense for you to add him through linkedin because you guys worked together, it wouldn't raise any questions for him. see if you can be friends with him. But just a reminder: He is married and has kids. Make sure you have a clear mindset on what you want out of this and stick with that before proceeding. Good Luck!
bluesky, We were on an elevator alone and I felt awkward. I wanted to make the situation as normal as possible given the looks we had been exchanging. Me: did you have a good weekend? Him: yes I did, you? Me: yes, had a good weekend. Me: oh, my name's Patrick (extends hand) Him: I'm Rob (shakes hand) The elevator doors opened and I exited before him. Me: have a good one Him: you too To me the conversation in the elevator was pedestrian courtesy and I just wanted to not be awkward, trying to normalize the situation. The odd thing is that every time we me after that I would look at him and he would look away. The last time he looked away so deliberately it was like saying "I'm going to pretend you don't exist. So the verbal vs nonverbal were completely different. I agree, a LinkedIn invite is probably less intimidating. I'll need to get this off my mind somehow. Also, I found out the mug on my desk very likely is not from him. Patrick ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2016 at 12:45 PM ---------- For your other questions - We were making eye contact from March through late July on average twice a week. I instant messaged him in late July but I didn't realize he was offline. When he contacted me back I was in a meeting so I said it could wait. I never messaged him back to say what I wanted and that's when things got awkward. The ice breaker in the elevator was in early August and things remained awkward. So, he probably suspected I had feelings but I don't know why he had been exchanging looks since last spring. I suspect I did pick up on something that he didn't want to acknowledge. Patrick
I see, so what you did was right then. I'm glad it was you that broke the ice. someone had to. The conversation was normal and I don't see anything wrong with that for things to be awkward between you guys. Maybe it was the whole instant messaging thing and not really knew what was going on made it awkward for him going up the moment where you broke the ice. We could be guessing though just about anything. I think my best advice to you is just to add him as a friend on linked in. it's less forward and easier to manage something. be careful with this though! Good luck.
Thanks again for the advice guys. Well, I invited him to connect on LinkedIn and shortly after he accepted. If I am to infer anything, it seems that at least he doesn't despise me, or that the awkwardness isn't what I thought. Still, I wish I knew why all the strangeness. I feel I need to write him something for my own sake, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel I need to tell him that he's special to me, but there's still a big leap between having a connection on LinkedIn and really expressing something like that. I want to tell him that he's beautiful, but I don't know how that would come across. I want it to be as honest as possible and be appropriate to the situation. I also want resolution. I think I'll wait for the week and send him something around Friday or Saturday. I want to think about this and let myself settle on the right words. Patrick
Hey Patrick, I'm glad he accepted you on LinkedIn so quickly. That definitely seems like a good sign. Waiting a week or so and thinking about how you want to approach this also sounds really good. Personally, I still think you're best option for either some resolution to your crush on him would be to invite him somewhere for coffee and see how he responds to that. What do you really have to lose?
