In the closet in college advice on dealing with friends trying to get me laid

Hi,

This is my second post and I am hoping to get some advice from any of you in college who are in the closet. Basically I am a senior who is graduating soon and for the entire 4 years of my college career my friends have made it their personal mission every weekend to try and get me some pussy. I am completely and totally in the closet and a straight masculine gay guy so I guess I pull off not being gay pretty well and maybe that has a part to it. It started with just my roommate freshman year and has evolved over the last 4 to include all of my close friends.. gradually more and more coming on board. At first it was just a couple friends jokingly asking me what women I was going to approach at whatever bar or party we were at and then it evolved into my friends threatening me that they were going to go over to these random girls and express my interest in them to them, which obviously there is none.

I just awkwardly refuse to talk to anyone or approach anyone and tell my friends to leave me alone and mind their own business. I guess they think I am just a big scared wuss and they all think if I can get with a girl before I graduate it will cancel out my depression. Instead what it does is makes me completely uncomfortable and I just end up drinking more, because they make me chug shit to keep up with them, and then the metal self abuse starts hitting me up as discussed in my first post.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...-anyone-else-mentally-beat-themselves-up.html

I end up just sneaking out of the party or bar and going home early to be depressed with myself. Instead of pacing my drinking so I do not reach the point where I get majorly depressed about being alone forever I am forced to drink more then I want to and in conjunction with the constant bombardment of being expected to pick up a girl, it makes me never want to go out and enjoy my weekends anymore. Then they all get upset with me when I am not drinking with the goal of blacking out and that I always sneak out early... they take it personally.

At the end of the day they just want me to approach a girl and talk to a stranger which in itself is not a big deal. Its not even that I am scared of girls like they think I am, I am just a natural introvert and really do not talk to anyone at a party setting I do not know and instead stick close to my friends. I guess its become a big deal because I feel like if I approach and talk to a random female my friends will expect me to try and take her home and will do everything in their power to make it happen. And now that college is almost over its gotten worse and its just constant harassment. A few weekends ago at a party my friends literally shoved me into a room full of strangers and forced me to stand around to try to pick someone up. And now they are telling me that if I do not pick someone and do this on my own they are just going to approach people for me and get someone to sleep with me. It does not even matter if the girl is attractive, as long as it has two legs and a vagina my friends tell me its fair game and I am going to take it because they think I am desperate enough to accept sleeping with anything under the sun period.

My biggest fear is that somehow they are going to be successful and get some random girl into my bed... and then what? I wont be able to get it up and what would I do then lol? It would be embarrassing and they would never let me live it down. But now that I have a month left in school they are saying they are going to make posters advertising my singleness and willingness to have sex with any women on campus and will force the issue come my schools huge last hurrah party. I just do not know what to do anymore. Literally the single goal of my entire friend group is to hook me up with a gender I have to sexual attraction to...every single night we go out...all night... from all my friends.

I am sorry this turned into far more of an unorganized rant then I intended but I could really use some advice from anyone who has or is facing a similar situation. Aside from just not going out anymore I am not sure what to do. I wish they would just leave me be... I know their hearts are in the right place and they think they are helping me out of some extreme shyness towards the opposite sex but it really is just making me feel like shit every weekend. It just magnifies my depression and feelings of isolation and aloneness which I already feel when I go out and everyone is dancing and I am usually sitting at a table by myself or awkwardly dancing by myself.

I just really do not know what to do anymore with this.

 

I am not out because I fear being rejected by everyone I love. Its a little ridiculous I guess considering how depressed I am now... Would it be worse with rejection? Probably not by much. I guess every time I imagine telling one of my friends or family or whoever every scenario I run through my head is always worse case imaginable. Like they reject me and out me to everyone or parents disown me ect. I just have a huge insecurity issue with myself when it comes to my sexuality and so I have literally buried it and repressed it for well my entire life. Its funny... if I really break down some of my closest friends:

-One was best friends with a lesbian in highschool
-One was close friends with someone who was gay in high school (college friend)
-One told me he would love me and accept me no matter what (not talking about being gay)
-My very best friend of six years seems to be ok with gays and has gone to gay pride before. But this one is complicated as I am madly in love with him... mixed signals ect... saving this for another thread

My point being to any rational person one would think any of these people would be ok with me right? But I always make some excuse for myself like "ohh its different because blah blah blah"... You absolutely right its going to take work on my part and my first step is this forum. The amount of time I have lurked on this site thinking about posting and always deciding not to just goes to show how much I have repressed this.

But then I also consider there being no point of coming out in college. Yes there is the acceptance factor but I go to a small school in the middle of know where. My campus has maybe 3 openly gay people I can think of and if I was out I still would never find anyone here to be with. I also think college is a bit tricky as far as coming out as I live with 7 other people who make up most of that group of my closets friends. If I came out and they didn't accept me... well I have to live with them every day still.

I have come close a couple times to telling some friends at home which is probably my best bet as once I graduate I most likely will not see to many of these friends very much again due to living so far apart but I still have my group of friends back home. When my one friend told me he would love me know matter what I had a text response typed out about being gay and sat there for like 20 minutes trying to hit the send button.... and I didn't.

That scoreboard thing is awkward though... I never had that but I am the running joke of my house. Its funny most of my friends think I might be asexual and me being gay has only been bought up once in which case I just kinda froze up and laughed it off as a joke. and when it was bought up it wasn't in a mean way but I wasn't about to come out in the middle of the cafeteria to a table of people lol. At the same time it gets awkward when they ask me to pick out some really hot girl in the cafe I would wanna bang or what kind of porn I watch, or even why I never talk about girls like they do.

And my parents would not be thrilled at all. I told them I was atheist as a test run on their acceptance last year and I was told I was a lazy selfish person who was a bad person just because. A year later though while they do not like it or accept it they do not force it upon me anymore. But you are far ahead of me as far as being in my situation senior year. You got two down.

Thanks for the reply though. You pointed out some very good things for me. I appreciate it. If I can do anything else to help you not be me in 4 years ask away :lol:

 

Absol: I don't know why its so hard to say or text just two little words... Its sad that I can logically break down my friends and many seem like they would be supportive but no matter how many times I run through different scenarios in my head I always scare my self with thinking of all the most horrible outcomes. I think while I know that I am gay I am still so very uncomfortable with it that perhaps I am still not at the point where I have accepted myself. Maybe part of this is that I have always had a hard time making friends due to being a natural introvert, which may partly stem from my insecurity with my sexuality... For instance I moved to a new state right before highschool (had a small group of friends in middle school) and really did not have any friends until junior year... which is pathetic and I am certainly more personable now... but maybe that has something to do with my fear of loosing all the friends I have now. idk

The Dude: I couldn't send the text because I was scared lol. I just couldn't do it. I feel like if I did tell someone it would be through text because I agree with giving them time to get over the shock and allowing myself to organize my thoughts. I always figured if I ever did tell my parents (which is pretty far back on my to do list) I will wait until I move out and am financially independent and then send them a letter. But this is making me realize I need to tell someone, anyone at some-point soon. I am hoping my best friend goes to gay pride this year and invites me, he did last year and I couldn't go. Seems like that could be a perfect opportunity.

RaRa: I would assume they are oblivious because if they already know why would they keep trying to push me into something they know will never happen instead of hinting one way or the other about acceptance? I know you don't know my friends but I think its interesting you lean more towards that way. Its not that I do not plan on keeping in contact with them its just that it will be harder as everyone will be working or in grad school and most of my group are at least a hour and a half away from each-other. Whereas my home group kinda just stayed around the area and did the community college thing or just started working so they are all still in the area. It will be must easier to keep in contact with my home group. And they can be big douches.... I think their hearts are in the right place though... they just think I am really shy of some shit. I guess I must play the straight card pretty well somehow.

2dMnB: Its a very small private school so lying about it would not work to well haha... I have been doing the lame excuse thing for a long time and aside from dealing with them getting butt hurt over it because they think I don't want to spend time with them it bothers me as well... Once I graduate and start working I wont have the same opportunities to go out anymore. Its tough to pick what to do.

At the end of the day if I do anything it will most likely be buying time with the college situation (almost done right?) and trying to text one of my friends back home at some point. I just need to figure out how to get one of them on some sort of topic that like when I got that one friend to text me about how he will love me know matter what when discussing how my parents handled my religion... I still beet myself up for not sending that then... it was the perfect time. I would rather not just randomly text a friends "hey can I tell you something" "I'm gay".

But thank you all for your responses. I know there is only so much support I can get from an anonymous forum and having real support from a real friend who knows me is far more ideal and a goal to strive for but you guys are really helping me and I appreciate it. Being able to vent on a forum and get insights from people who have been in similar situations is a huge step for me. Before this I had NO support at all aside from myself haha.

Sooo thank you =)