In love with my straight best friend.. but i think he likes me back?

Hi, this is, I guess, my part 3 to my continuing experience with my best friend

I might have posted two stories, having seemingly resolved my story in my previous posts. I have a question as to how I should proceed however. Me and my best-friend have shown interest in each other since day one- we have texted on a daily basis, we have had emotional dramas that have always ended in both of us declaring how important we are to each other, and he always seems to know when I am upset or perhaps angry. He would ask me, "are you angry?" or notice something when I don't respond to him in a certain way. That said, our relationship has always felt more than a friendship. I say this because at this point, I've confessed everything to him- my homosexuality, my attraction to him, my inability to move on from him when he rejected me, etc.

Just a little background: he would get jealous, albeit in a rather joking manner (although I question why he would joke with that to begin with) whenever I hang out with other friends or guys... We always text each other goodnight, and I feel that we can share anything with one another. We also would tell each other that we "miss" each other, and I would clarify with him as to whether or not he is joking. Always, he is being serious on each occasion. And always is there his concern about "hurting me" always asking if he has said anything hurtful, sometimes saying that he is in my thoughts, and one time, when we were both drunk, I said that he reminded me of my brother, and he got very angry and said "i don't want to talk to you then"- I don't know why he said this?

Any who, as indicated in my previous story, I asked him if he felt anything for me and he said no. He systematically denied and logically, strangely methodically and intelligently put to rest any indication of an attachment- mentioning on all the occasions how he "wished" that he was "gay for me" (a confirmation of my suspicions that he is straight) and how he felt "bad". After this, naturally I attempted to put some distance between us- it wasn't dramatic, it's just I would stop responding to his flirts and I spoke more about mutual issues such as gaming and whatnot. This culminated in him asking me if whether firstly I trusted him or not, and why I have changed the way that I spoke to him,- that I told him that I would always consider him as important and that I would never walk away from him- all of this was said in an absolutely non-joking manner given the nature and length of our conversation. And thus, I became re-attached to him, but very very wary- I still hold some scars from his initial rejection. It was much too methodical, too intelligible and too logical. Had he shown some form of anger, or any other emotion other than empathy and understanding, I would have allowed myself to believe that he may have possibly harbored some symptoms of an attachment. But he rejected me, in a manner that I rejected the girls who would ask me out.

So more months between us, and we grew closer and closer- but I still maintained a distance. A distance which he instantly caught upon and then asked if whether or not I trusted him again. I told him that I had only wanted to reserve my deepest trust for the one that I love- for someone "special"- and he was rather quiet. He said that I had underestimated him- that he had shown me "equal" or "more trust" and that he had "opened up to me" as much as I had to him. In this relationship, we have used the term "open up" as a metaphor for meaning "be with one another completely and emotionally, i.e. a girlfriend for him". My heart melted at that point, and I was lost once again in his gravity. But yet, I maintained the skepticism- again the initial rejection- it would have been impossible for any closeted man to have rejected someone that they loved in that way...

Eventually we became closer yet, and one day, on a whim, when I felt myself shipwrecked upon his shores, I told him that this had to end. That I had to accept the fact that we "could never be" and that I had to move on. This conversation followed a very pessimistic conversation that I had with him the night before, when I forcefully tried to end the friendship by saying that he meant "nothing" to me, and that I could "easily replace him". He was visibly upset by that- but then again, who wouldn't be? Back to the present day, after I told him all of that, he responded that he was "proud" of me that I had finally accepted it, and that I would "never be that special someone" but rather, I'd always be someone "very very special" to him. This sealed the deal for me. He was straight. He was impossibly straight. No gay man could say that to someone that they had feelings for.

I believe that my heart became very cold after that- but I resumed our friendship anyways and spoke mutually.

Now, this is where things become twisted. Some background information: he always says that I see the "worst" in him- that of which is attributed to my rancid paranoia, always perceiving the worst in humanity in every possible way.

After this, we seemed to have started an unacknowledged relationship. I was much too traumatized by the two rejections that I received so I spoke and asked for nothing more. But, on a whim one day, I messaged him stating how I wished that I could be his, and how I wished that I could please him and all that (he always said that he wished that I was a girl... or that he could meet someone exactly like me). After that something changed, he started to acknowledge my feelings more or less and well, enumerate constantly how important I was. We would text each other telling each other exactly who we were with, where we were, or who we were seeing, he would tell me that, after one night I said to him "you're with her again aren't you", he responded that only I am "the one" for him (I'm certain this is either a lie or some sick joke given the circumstances). After that, we began more or less sexting. He told me he hated marshmallows once, but then one day he said he would buy them and "learn to love them just for you" (I am perceptively paranoid: i believe here he is speaking of a metaphor with regards to his sexuality- he is straight but perhaps out of pity and empathy he will "try" to love me?). All of this culminated in us sexting explicit and graphic details of what we'd do to each other. As gross as this sounds, he kept saying things, story and detail after detail of his sexual encounters and sexual deviances, always asking encouraging me to "cum" and that. This went on for three hours continuously, and ended in him describing how "hot" it was after one of my moments. He of course did the same. Another night of sexting so far, constant enumerations of how he would drive up to see me and how he wished he did- and then during one of his dirty metaphors, he somewhere along dropped the line that he hasn't had much action as of late.

Which leads me to my final conclusion: He has some form of dependency complex. He is unquestionably straight with absolutely no homosexual tendencies. He perhaps is a bit homoerotic, but this is outweighed with a desire to find the "right girl". His mind is twisted in the sense that, he craves my affection- I must fulfill some sick fantasy of his in which I am begging for him, whilst he is unwilling to give. My constant affirmations must also validate his sense of worth, and enthrall his sense of self-confidence in a way that hasn't been satisfied by his lack of acknowledgement over the past few months. I have further concluded without question that he is only attached to the attention that I give him- and not to me. He is using me in that sense. At the same time, he must see me as a great friend- a very caring friend- IN ADDITION with everything stated above. I believe also that he is also doing these things, acting like we are in a relationship because he is afraid of hurting me, and believes that in fulfilling my fantasy- only then can he appease and atone for the hurt inflicted by his incapacity to love me. Furthermore, I believe that he is taking pity on me also, forcing upon him a "homosexuality" so that he can force himself to be in some way or form turned on. I believe that it is all just a combination of pity, empathy, cowardice to lose my attention and affection, and a crippling inferiority/dependency complex in which he has a constant need to be acknowledged that he is loved and that he is validated. I fulfill this in texting him, in responding with saying that I "miss him" that i "love him" etc.

My question then: if he is doing all this (which logically he MUST be), then how can he be so persistent? I try to imagine myself doing this with a girl, and even then I struggle- sure I could perhaps fulfill a fantasy for 1 or 2 hours, but this.. this is just enduring. It just keeps going on and on and on and on. And yet, I've already asked twice for a clarification on his position. Each time receiving an impossibly thoughtful, sincere and intelligible answer. This tells me that he cannot be gay- if he had just said that he was confused, or that he didn't know, or ignore me, or not respond in some way, or just seemed unco-ordinated, i would be convinced. But his answer.. it's too precise, too thoughtful, too caring- its the type of response that you would get from a really good friend trying to let you down gently. And yet, there are things that just don't add up.

I can't lie however- I must admit that I am enjoying this current state of deception where I believe that the feelings are mutual. I know this is all a lie. I know he will one day say "i met the most wonderful girl" to me, and that I will have to be happy and attentive. I know that I am being used, that I am fulfilling some sick complex of his in which he is enjoying my gratification of his esteem and his being... and yet- in spite of all of this I doubt. Am I being too paranoid in my deduction? Or is it reasonable and justified?

Please note, I have endeavoured, many, many, many times to put it aside and just be a good friend to it- but he somehow picks up on it in my lack of responses to his flirts. Why does he do this to me? This is just evil if he keeps reeling me in. I genuinely do not believe that he is gay, or that he has feelings for me, but I am open to the idea of being deceived. Haha the cute thing about us... is we play mind games with each other all the time- i always hold the belief that i am more deductive, that i can perceive his intentions and pierce into his thoughts simply by observing the subtleties in what he says... I believe that everything ever said is always an indicator of the inner workings of the subconscious... in that sense everything he has said has either been some scheme to pull me back in, or simply indicators of his subconscious. In this sense, he is perhaps trying to repress his "straightness" (as weird as this sounds I know, but he is really, really concerned with "hurting me" and has mentioned that he tries to avoid it as much as possible)- but I know better, his heterosexuality comes out in spades.

 

@ Zmajcek- thank you for reading my entire post. I really really appreciate it. And your situation sounded exactly like mine. I always feel that I am some how betraying him, and that more or less he might feel the same to some extent...I have to admit I've tried to wean myself from him but it's so hard too... to an extent I believe that we are both attracted to each other's company- that we are both in love with certain characteristics perceived in each other but not in love with each other... It's times like this when I think about why sexuality can be so difficult and so painful- it makes me question everything... and what resonated with me was when you called your situation a "fairy tale"... that really was poignant...that really was sad :/. I really appreciate reading your story... was unfortunately very bitter sweet but it has shed some light onto the situation. (and i've been around this forum long enough to recognize the delusion involved with loving a best friend haha... that's why I just say it as it is nowadays :/ )

@SecretlyASloth Thanks for reading as well, I appreciate it! And yes, I completely agree with you- it felt rather sad after the delusion when I sat there and thought to myself about the realities of the situation. I felt a deep sense of regret in that I had just associated him with pleasure yet again more or less. This is how all of this started- the association of things with pleasure. I never found him physically attractive before hand, and only a few things redeemable (his honesty and simplicity and caringness) within his personality. But this all changed gradually once there became a chemical factor or catalyst at play. In this sense, I understand what needs to be done and I profoundly understand the logical steps that must be fulfilled. Right now there is a chemical, emotional and behavioral attraction to him. Like what Zmajcek did, he changed the way he thought and hence changed the way he acted, he dissociated the chemical attraction with his friend by getting a boyfriend- he placed some distance between the two upon this realisation and hence changed the way he behaved as well..

All in all, a small part of me wishes that my situation could be somehow different from that which both of you described- and I feel that I may have also posted this up to perhaps get some validation by someone to feed my delusion furthermore.

 

UPDATE:
Alright, so there has been some time that has passed- and of course a lot has happened in the two weeks or so.

My feelings for him continued on for another week, and I was made to believe that the feelings were reciprocated. Of course, myself being a bit "paranoid", I felt a little uneasy. How was it that he suddenly had this rush of feeling an sexual attraction to me when just a month ago he had nothing? How was it that he was responding with equal and complimentary attraction? Had he been in the closet the whole time?... And so, I kept responding, flirting, and assuring him of my own affection, growing attached to him, and making him convince me that his feelings were genuine. He told me that he did feel something- that everything he said and felt was real- and he made me let my guard down.


But it was all just a fairy tale.

He messaged me one day and told me that we needed to talk face to face. We met up at night and went on for a long drive towards a couple's make-out point at some airport. And it was there that he confessed, that he told me everything, that he told me that he had tried, and only done everything within the last two weeks as to make me happy. Fuck. So it wasn't reciprocated at all- it had been just as I had suspected- a scheme that he undertook in order to make me "happy"- to fulfill the unrealistic desire that i had so fabricated within my mind. We went further, explaining that what we had was an emotional connection none of the likes of which we had ever witnessed before- both acknowledging that it would be very difficult, if not impossible to replicate the same connection, both accepting the fact that it was by no means a conventional "friendship"; that it went a bit further than just simple "friendship". I was angry at first, telling him that he had made me trust him- that he had lied to me all those times that I asked him to be upfront about it. He apologised, and said that he was only trying to make me happy. And I was even angrier- for he had made me believe that it could work... but looking back, I think I knew all along that it wouldn't work... I think it was just a small part of me that was hoping and believing that stories like these had a "perfect" resolution (I say "perfect" and not "happy" because it is sort of "happy")

Thinking back, he had already rejected me twice (as indicated in my two other stories)- but his behaviour within the past two weeks was such that it had disabled all inhibitions- had made me completely head over heels... Nonetheless, I recognised the sweetness of his actions- the desperation at the impossible- an impossible dream as I always call it.

We talked further, and I asked him if he had any romantic feelings for me. He was hesitant, mentioning that he wasn't absolutely sure. I wouldn't take this however, and I made him say it. "Say it... Say you felt nothing at all... Say it". I kept repeating it over and over again until I made him say that he felt nothing. I then asked him if he had any attraction to me... he was slightly hesitant- still forthright in his "no", but there was a hesitation which I no longer bother to explore (it's more of his personality trait rather than a repression of his sexuality). Again, I looked him in the eye, and told him to say it... "probably not"- to which I would respond: "no, not probably not: nothing. I forget what happens after, it was a long conversation, but towards the end of the night, I asked him again: "so do you feel anything for me at all...?"- "No."

I wished I had started crying at that point- maybe he would have pitied me and confessed his feelings- just kidding, there's Denial at play. Throughout the friendship, i managed to get one "hug" coupon from him. He asked me if I wanted to use it- and I leaned in and hugged him- I had never hugged anyone in a non-joking way before. But I hugged, and I hugged and I hugged (haha he did smell nice ), and he hugged back... I still remember, and will probably always remember the feeling his head caressing my neck... I hadn't realised that night that I had been hugging so hard because I didn't want to let go of him... that I knew things would be different by the end of the hug... that I knew things wouldn't be the same again. Not that I will no longer be friends with him- or that he would walk away- but it was moreover the internal changes to myself which I recognized at that point. I never wanted to let go of him. I never wanted that hug to end- and it felt warm just to bury my face into someone. I would have liked to have said that I cried- but no, I didn't. I don't really know why...

We spent the next twenty minutes chatting- exploring what "situation" it was that we had, with me explaining to him that I had tried over and over again over the past few months to distance myself from him and set boundaries- but always, always I would fall for him- or he would pull me back intensely each time...But within this was the sad recognition that it just couldn't be.

Here came the funny bit lol. I told him, after a while, that there were 5 stages of grieving: and that I was up to the third stage- bargaining. I then offered to give him a head job- a hand job- out of desperation. We both laughed hysterically because of how funny the request sounded- and I remembered that first night as to why I fell for him ... his all-accepting personality, his easy-going nature... I then put my hand on his thigh, playing the nervous game- and as if to confirm his lack of sexual attraction to me, he allowed me to go all the way. Nothing- no hard-on- nothing.
Hilariously (or rather creepily) the next 10 minutes involved me checking or prodding him to see if he would have a response ahaha- he wasn't uncomfortable however. There was such an easy-going, mutual understanding at play during this bizarre episode. Heh, what a great friend I had made- one willing to even let me molest him just so that I could be happy- just so that i could get over him .

Well, after a very long story arc, as indicated by the 3 other parts to this story- I think this is one is finally drawing to a conclusion (I know I've said that 3 times already lol). It ended with me saying to him "I swear, if you end up having a gay experience like they do in college, it better be with fucking me"- to which we both laughed- hehe. He said "of course"- and that there would be no other.

In the fashion of my first story- what a bitter sweet ending this has been, what a great "best" friend I had made...

Well, that's it I guess. If there is any change in the future, I will post again (and we are back to Denial ). But I know that there are so many others in similar situations, and I hope sincerely that my stories can provide some insight and some understanding

part 1: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...xperience-liking-my-straight-best-friend.html

part 2:http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...6-no-longer-love-my-straight-best-friend.html

and of course this thread... I apologise for the prolixity.
@ my friend- I know you've been reading these forums for a better understanding of how to deal with myself and how to approach these things (he told me so- i guess I wasn't being paranoid). If you ever find these posts (or diary rather), read through them. I've told you everything, but this more or less recounts my perspective... (although he has told me he'd specifically avoid these posts so that I could keep my "privacy"- the irony of posting in a public forum in anonymity).