...but I don't know how to use my voice. It is past 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have only been able to sleep for about 3 hours a night for about a week, since I came back from San Diego for Thanksgiving. My family lives there. I drove down there from San Francisco with my partner. My family met my partner for the first time. We have been together since Easter this year. It was a successful visit but I became ever increasingly uneasy because I still feel so disconnected with my family, even though they are so lovely and supportive. They welcomed my partner with open arms and gave them words of encouragement since their family is fundamentalist Christian and feel that they are going to hell for being gay. My partners family does not yet know that they are also trans* (hopefully this is the correct umbrella label they are comfortable with me using). So during our trip down to S.D. my partner expressed to me that they want me to call them LB (LB is their initials, their prior name is too feminine for them) or L for short and to start using the pronouns they/their. I knew this was coming but it still came as a jolt. They have been questioning their gender for quite some time now and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can but I have to say it has been scary. I would get this overwhelming feeling that I would lose LB for not being supportive enough or who knows what quasi-reason I have in my head. I constantly have this feeling I will lose the people I love in my life. I would have these horrible dreams where my partner disappears. But this post isn't so much about my partner as it is about me. My partner has served as a mirror for the things I have been unwilling to look at and realize in my life. See, I have a long history of struggling with my assigned gender. My earliest memory is becoming very upset as an infant when my mom would put dresses on me. I wanted to be a boy as a child. I thought that is was so unfair for me to be a girl. I remember feeling so objectified being dressed up all prim and proper. I wanted to be seen as me, as a human being not some pretty doll. My mom or my family knew nothing of my feelings. I have only told my mom about this a few days ago. As I got older I resented that I grew breasts and was disappointed when I got my period at 11. As a teenager I discovered feminism and concluded that it was because of my internalized sexism that I felt the way I did. I came to terms with my assigned gender. I made peace with it and decided that playing the role of a female I could do good in the world and create gender equality. And that was the end of that...or so I thought. It was always this constant battle with my mom. I just wasn't feminine enough. My mom is a hair stylist so this is what she values, making oneself beautiful as a female. I rebelled against this. As I got older I felt at some point when I was more mature I would take more pride in my appearance, be more girly, put together, wear makeup and nice dresses that flattered my figure because I was privileged to be an attractive woman with a winning personality. And that time never came. Parallel to this narrative I came out as lesbian when I was 18 and swiftly went back into the closet because I couldn't hack it. I got my heart broken for the first time. Then I came out of the closet again at 21, got a job as the door girl at my local lesbian club. I got a girlfriend for a short period of time. Then I moved to Chicago and tried to be gay there. I fell in love with a friend who did not feel the same for me. I was crushed when I tried to make a move on her after a year of knowing each other. The way I know or chose to describe what happened after that is that I went back into the closet after and was in denial of my tendencies for 12 years. I have been with plenty of men and when anyone bothered to ask I told them I was bi. People just assumed I was straight. In between boyfriends I would go to lesbian bars and make out with a lady on the dance floor. And then last year I met LB. She/They rocked my world. I haven't been the same since or perhaps more accurately they have awakened a core part of me that has lied dormant for way too long. I slowly started to come out as Queer this year. I have been dealing with this crushing shame of not being/living queer for all these years. Why wasn't I strong enough? Why do I get so easily discouraged? I wish I could talk to people about this but to who? I am so blessed to live in San Francisco and I thank my lucky stars that I'm in a city that affirms so much of who I am. Yet, I still don't feel safe enough to be my true self. I have been hiding for so long. I know I am very radical on multiple fronts. I fear that if I speak up and share with people my opinions and beliefs that I will be ostracized and no one will love me. So the added piece... the reason why I posted under Gender Identity label/folder of this forum. I was thinking I was supporting my partner by telling the people in my life about their change of name and pronouns. I figure it was time for me to become an ally so I was getting my practice. In the midst of talking to my mom, employer, and roommates I found that I was also outing myself, gender wise, in the process. I felt so underprepared to do this not to mentioned incredibly vulnerable and sad. I did not expect this and was not ready to talk about my own gender identity but that is what happened. I have no idea what my gender identity is. I just know I am not Cis and this scares me to death. Aligned with my spiritual beliefs I feel that I am all genders and beyond gender. I am a very empathetic person and can feel what its like to be in another's shoes. I find it hard to differentiate at times where I end and another person begins. How does that translate to the physical world? Gender is a strange social concept. I don't know where to go from here. I don't really have a lot of time and energy to seek out support in the offline world. I have very few queer friends. I know of a couple of trans friends of friends but I don't feel ready to talk to people about this. I don't even feel that comfortable to talk to my partner about this even though they are in the process of questioning as well but further down the line than I. I'm not suppose to be the questioning one, I'm the stable Cis female in the relationship. I'm the solid rock for them so they can explore with support. But where is my support? I have very little. LB can afford to see a therapist once a week and is lucky to be connected and involved in several queer/trans groups that are close to where they live. I struggle to pay my rent and have very little energy left over to seek out sober (I don't drink or do drugs) safe spaces and queer friends in San Francisco. Everything is happening in the East Bay/Oakland area where my partner lives. Our relationship may not survive the outcome of both of our gender journeys. I love LB so much and day dream growing old with them, but this is probably a pipe dream given the circumstances. The dark cloud of depression has ascended upon me and what little energy I had, has been completely zapped out of me. I need help. I want to stop believing that my life is so hard and that I have no support. It really doesn't serve me and it is putting a strain on all my relationships, with L and beyond. Thank you for reading. Goddess bless.
You are never alone. People in here are very supportive and helpful. As I never questioned my gender I can't give my insight or experiences. I can just offer an ear to your rant/vent and virtual hug. Hope things turn out okay for you (*hug*)
Yeah, you've definitely come to the right place for support. Try to find some other questioning people and maybe start up a conversation? People on here are very willing to help. I would love to talk to you, but not a lot of people want to take advice from a teenager. I wish you the best of luck.
You might have a look here: resources You might think about a gender therapist... or talking to someone from an lgbt center... and there are support groups... if you are depressed you should think about a therapist... maybe its covered, or there are free therapists, or on a sliding scale... you might think about your nutrition, maybe a bit more vegetarian, with a healthy variety... cutting down on high sugar drinks... having a bit of exercise, or a walk... for now you can communicate with other members through wall messages, after 14 days you can apply for full membership and join the chat and send private messages... Don't say that, especially trans people are often very mature... and a different point of view often provides useful insight... so I'd say just go ahead and speak your mind... (*hug*)
Hi So basically you're worried that if you confide in LB, you'll lose them and it'll be a repeat of past hurts? It seems like you've got low self-esteem, and underneath that top layer of thinking, you're being unfairly harsh on yourself. We seem to have similar issues in certain respects. I identify my worst issues as being based on self-hatred, but learning to love yourself is easier said than done. I think it takes practise. The dating game has been really tough for me because there doesn't seem to be any way in which I can filter out the crowds of prudish cis-normals who only date other cis-normals.
You're not alone and you have a better grasp on gender than I do. I do hate being prim and proper as a girl and would like to be seen as a human being and not just s girl. We're here to listen too!
Thank you. It helps to hear that I'm not alone and I'll take any kind of hugs I can get. Things always turn out, and then the story continues.... I have felt so much better since I posted this and have even shown the post to a close friend of mine.
You know I read one of your posts on this forum and I got this air of recognition. Not sure how to explain it. You were mentioning procrastinating and the such. I really identified with it. I think we have similar thought processes. I do confide in LB, a lot. stuff I would be embarrassed tell anyone else. I tell them my insecurities and fears and they are still around. It is a relationship of lot of communication and growth, heaps of growth. This is the best and most fulfilling relationship I have ever had. I'm afraid I will screw it up or that LB will grow so much that they will outgrow me. But that being said I feel that no matter what happens we will always be friends because we have this deep connection that transcends time and space and all this perceived drama that is happening now is being created by the ego. Self-love is a high priority for me and one of the most challenging things I have embarked on. I sense its a process not a destination. So I have this dialog which I voiced here and then I have this more transcended point of view that is gradually taking up more of my head space and brining light to the broken and hurt parts of me. Good luck in your dating process and I presume in your self-love journey as well. Thank you. ---------- Post added 12th Dec 2014 at 06:31 AM ---------- I'm glad I came to the right place. I guess I have to wait a couple of weeks before I can private message but I will make the effort to connect with people. Please do talk to me. I'm sure you have quite a bit of insight. Don't underestimate the impact you have on the people around you and the world no matter what age you are. I'm open for feedback. I see that you identify as genderfluid. Looking back I have realized that I was genderfluid in High school although I don't think the label existed back then. I was just being myself. I was more myself then, then I have been since. So I could very well be genderfluid. I have been investigating the label genderqueer as well. This really resinates with me and I have been watching videos on YouTube from genderqueer folk. I'm just shaking my head that thinking, so there are other people out there that are like me. So I don't have to choose between female and male. The male part was really catching me up because I don't feel fully male and its funny that my concern on being male is that I have been living as a female for so long that I wouldn't be able to pass. I don't think I want to identify as female anymore but then where do I go from there? I want to identify as genderqueer and have that be my gender and be more masculine presenting. Ever since I got my boy haircut on my birthday almost 2 months ago I feel as significant shift has happened. Oh my goodness I have too much to talk about.
Thank you Chriswe for your response and all the work you do here. I am seriously considering seeing a gender therapist. I really appreciate you suggesting a veggie diet and exercise. I am a strict vegetarian transitioning to veganism. I'm incorporating more fruits and veggies in my diet and I could really cut down on the sugar. There are two Queer therapy centers that have sliding scale that I know of.
