I have been thinking a lot about my gender recently. I just cross dressed for the first time. I don't own "boy" clothes, so I just used my 3 size too big sweatpants, my beanie hat thing, and my black NY hoodie. At first I was really happy with what I saw in the mirror, I couldn't stop smiling. Then I heard my older brother pull into the driveway, I took off everything as fast as I could. I feel ashamed and just "wrong". I don't know why I'm like this. I just want to be normal for once.
You shouldn't feel ashamed for cross dressing, there's nothing wrong with it and you not hurting anyone by doing it so where's the harm in doing so if it makes you happy? I'm not sure why you're brother would find anything wrong with it. (*hug*)
Two things. Is it just the clothes? Then it's crossdressing. That's fine, and girls don't nearly get as much fallout as guys. However is it more "I like the fact that these clothes make me look male and that makes me feel good"? That's what it sounded like from your text. In that case, clothes are an outward symbol of your preferred gender. Do you also wish you had a flat chest? Usually that's not a fashion choice as much as a body image one. And that ashamed feeling means you've been trained into something you feel is wrong to society but right to you.
I think it is more of the latter. I have had times throughout my life where I felt more like a boy, but I always ignored/denied them. I just assumed I was tomboy. A few days ago I started to try to figure out why I feel like this and if it's just a phase I'm going through. And on the chest thing, I'm used to it now but when I started puberty, I absolutely did not want my body change. I don't know if that's normal with most girls though. I think most of my girl classmates were excited about it.
Don't ignore or repress it. I did and I missed out on being even more happy. You seem to know what you want. You just want affirmation.
Go for what makes you happy, Kasey is right when she says you shouldn't ignore how you feel or repress who you are.
I'm terrified though. The area I live in is not exactly accepting of anything "different", especially in high school. People at school already call my group of friends at lunch the "school shooter group"
You might have a look at this: the first pdf is an explantion... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156085-i-just-im-kind-scared.html#4 You might make changes gradually... hairstyle and clothing style, unisex clothing, or mens jeans... wearing sweaters one or two sizes bigger... you might report incidents immediately...
