So this thread's an update to a previous thread I made about a fantasy I've been using to cope with my gender (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/218279-weird-fantasy-trans-related.html). Basically, it's been starting to have some negative effects on me. Like, I feel like I'm actually starting to believe it. Now, I said it helped me but I'm starting to not care about anything. Everything bad that happens I pass off as a sign that it wont be much longer until I'll get to awake as myself. Every strange thought I get I think is a look into my future. I've even once gone on a roof and stared down as if the "creators" need me to kill myself to leave the simulation and that I'll have to take a leap of faith. Now I wasn't actually anywhere near to doing that but that the thought even crossed my mind is unsettling. I also keep thinking that I should never transition 'cause that's it's also a challenge and if I don't I'll wake up in a female body but if I do I die for eternity. It's really started messing with my thoughts. How do I get it under control? On one hand, it screws up my thinking but without it I realize that I'll never be AFAB which 'causes me loads of sadness but is also the truth and the fantasy has made me forget that feeling most of the time.
Glowing Eyes, please go to your doctor and be referred to a therapist that you can talk this through with (if you aren't seeing one already). Those are some extreme thoughts you are having and you need support. Just in the interests of safety, my friend.
I've already got a therapist. I've told her about this but mostly the two intrusive fantasies I had before this that I never even slightly believed.
I think fantasies can be okay when they are to cope with stressful times. Being bigender myself, or gender fluid, or whatever you want to call it there are times "I know" I'm in the wrong body and it sucks. Maybe the feeling of you wanting to "wake up from the dream" is just you feeling hopeful about the future? That someone will finally see you for how you really are? Listen, I know exactly how you feel. I've struggled with the same feelings for a while. It's really hard to not be seen for you. But I can see you.
Just please keep in mind it is just a fantasy. Remind yourself of that. What you can have in reality is something better because you can really touch it and hold onto it. Even the best fantasies are at least somewhat dishonest.
Fantasies can be toxic to how you perceive life and if compulsions are starting to form as a result, that can allude to other mental health difficulties. It can be tough to accept or even contemplate, as I know most people would want a more positive response, as you have already been given above. Just be mindful and measure when you think the fantasies are taking you to a place that you cannot control your emotional response to.
