I don't know when or if I'll recover.. There are literally things I can't even do now that were a big part of my life such as certain TV shows I adored, video games, and songs I can't get near without feeling horribly heavy-hearted and my eyes tearing up. As of now I'm terrified at the thought of ever getting this close to anyone ever again, lest I want similar results. What I felt that first week I never want to feel again. The pain was literally so excruciating physically, emotionally and mentally that I literally wanted to kill myself. I've never seriously considered, or even condoned suicide as a way out of anything until then. There are moments I'm happy again, or feel happy, as if none of this ever happened and it was just a bad dream but it's always short lived. I currently don't have a job, but I still had a few priorities I liked to get done in the day (cleaning, or whatever it may be.) Now from the moment I wake up I jump in the shower, get dressed and leave the house for 9 or 10 hours and force myself to do aimless activities to keep busy. Once I'm done for the day and am heading home all these feelings of sadness and depression come right back. Keeping busy in my house, for whatever reason, does not work. For some reason I HAVE to be out in public around people for the distraction to take effect, even then that doesn't always work. The inevitable always sets in. I miss every thing about him, and not just him but everything that involved him. There's no escaping it. I'm a smart person, I don't know how I stupidly let this happen to me or let someone do this much damage to me.
oh bro, I know how it feels like. What happened? Just... Don't give up. Keep holding on. I'll be here if you need me. Hugs
I hope I don't come off as cold, but people are both fish and fishers. If you caught one, you can catch another one. There was something that stuck out to me though, 'aimless activitites'. I think you need to set or reinforce goals that you have. There must be something you want to be or do in life. It seems you think of him when you are at home, then get out of the house. This doesn't mean you have to socialize, just something that keeps you busy AND that you enjoy. I hope you find peace with yourself. He won't be the last boy you like, time will tell.
Are you still actively considering suicide? If so then please get help immediately. You sound like you are suffering from depression. I didn't think so from your earlier posts but now you are seriously starting to worry me. You should have started seeing some improvement by now but instead you are sounding like it's getting worse. It's normal for breakup mourning to derail us for a time but then we rebound and get back on track. Something is keeping you from getting back on track and it's not this guy anymore. It's got to be something bigger than that. For some reason you can't get back to your normal routine. Could be depression or something like it has been triggered and has taken over. If that's the case you need to get help. This may not be something you can fix on your own and it could be it will continue to get worse if you don't get treatment for it. :icon_sad:
Heartbreak really sucks man. The heart mends though and becomes stronger. If it happens again in the future, that week of pain you described will be much less excruciating. Plus you'll know what to expect. Being heartbroken, single and free is a good excuse to go out and have fun (if that's your thing / if you're of legal age). The "don't care" attitude that you unconsciously adopt actually comes across as quite confident and attractive to onlookers for some unknown reason. There's also the thought that goes "After all the pain I've felt, talking to that hot guy over there should be a piece of cake". Just don't go overboard with the drinking hey. Make sure you have friends around. Put yourself out there. You're a good looking lad so it shouldn't be terribly difficult. If you're still contemplating suicide though, forget everything I've said above and seek professional help mate. Seriously! Peace! (*hug*)
No worries about the suicide issue. I only initially felt that, because like I said my first reaction to him letting me go was horrifying, I was in really bad shape, not just emotionally but physically. My chest was so heavy I had a hard time breathing, I was crying so hard I'm surprised I didn't injure my eyes, and I haven't felt that sick to my stomach since the last time I had food poisoning. By the end of it all I was curled up in bed trembling. I felt like I was dying, my mind was clouded, and if at the time I had a sure-fire way to do it quickly as possible I would have just to stop the feeling. As for an underlying cause..I don't know what it would be? I was content before all this, may not have been happy yet, but otherwise no complaints. I was even excited it was Summer because it meant I'd get to do more things with my niece and nephew without worrying about school. Then I got a message from some random cute guy on a dating site who had a bunch of the same interests as me, and it that's when all this crap started. I suppose an issue on why it's so hard for me to move on is because my pre-occupied time comes solely from myself. The few friends I did have moved away recently, aside from some family (who honestly, wouldn't understand, or would just patronize me.) I have pretty much no one to turn to/help me take my mind off things. I'm pretty much trying to get through this on my own. Ever since he's been gone I no longer have anything to look forward to..I couldn't wait till 4:30 in the evening (about the time he got home from class) because that's usually around the time he'd be unwinding and contacting me. Now I detest coming home..Because I know there's nothing here for me anymore. There's family, but I'm staying with my sister, her husband and their toddler so they have their own stuff going on, it's basically just a place for me to live. A run-down of my days since this ended: Wake up, take a shower, get dressed, go out and do..whatever seems appealing at the time. Do I need anything for the week? Go out and get what I need, nothing else? Go to the mall and walk around window shopping/browsing for about 2 hours. Days only halfway over..Drive around town aimlessly for 45 minutes deciding what I wanna do next, the park sounds refreshing, go there and just walk laps the perimeter or sit on the swings listening to music. About 4:30 pm now, guess I should start going home..Instant feelings of sadness. At this point I wish I could just drive somewhere and disappear. Get home, go directly to my room and do whatever to pass the time hoping this is one night I can go without crying over him. My routine was similar before him..I had no issue with it and was excited each day expecting to maybe meet some people who would change my life, or whatever, didn't matter. Except I was still upbeat at the end of the day. I anticipated going home to cook dinner for my family, do some cleaning, play video games, what have you. Now..I dread it. He did something, brought something to my life that I loved. So on top of losing him I lost purpose. And for some reason he can't be replaced..I actually have been chatting to a really cute guy who's about 2 hours away who wants me to go on some dates with him, while I'm flattered when I even think about it I feel uneasy, the thought of driving and going to see someone and the result of it not being my..for lack of a better word, ex, just sounds so unappealing to me.
What you going thru is sounds so familiar to me. It is very hard to drag a heavy heart thru days. I believe everyone one of us has their way of coping with pain/loss/sorrow. I usually choose to live it... let the pain numb me... let my being adjust it. On the other hand try to find things that makes me happy, more light hearted. Taking long walks, watching sea, kids or animals, listening Tori Amos or whatever I feel like listening till I dose off. In my belief we all have a barrier, our borders for things. If you pass that border you will desire to turn to normal. There will be day when you got bored of all those non-sense (yeah you will see this pain and sorrow like that) and live your life for yourself. Just give yourself time and space to heal. (*hug*)
Ah, that explains things a lot better. Now I'm back to thinking you don't have depression after all (whew). I think your breakup has traumatized you and the fear of experiencing loss like that again has gotten you stuck in this unhappy place. It's not that different from PTSD. This is supported by the fact that 1) you can't let go of the past and 2) dating again is so unappealing. By continuing to grieve for that boy you have a built-in reason not to date again. No past resolution means no future adventures AND; no possibility of getting hurt again! I really think you should seek out a relationship therapist and discuss these issues with them. They are very expert at helping clients resolve this particular type of situation and I think you will feel a lot better afterward. It doesn't hurt to try.
Here's a song about someone else who went through something similar: [YOUTUBE]1bSdRizGYb0[/YOUTUBE] And they got through it, just like you will.
You remind me a lot of myself and how I felt some time ago. I wrote about it in another thread. It took me a couple of months to get over that guy. There are a couple of things that helped me manage; one was to keep busy, which you seem to be doing already. The second thing was to go out, meet old friends and new people, to realize that there are other people who will appreciate you for who you are, as long as you put yourself out there. I'm still struggling with being able to let someone else in after my own rejection, but it's probably part of the process. I guess the first heartbreak is the worst. Maybe it's just what we need to mature and learn what it really means to love someone. He was clearly not for you. Take your time to come to terms with that, and understand that there's someone out there for you who will love you as you are. I know it's difficult, but I hope you're able to manage for now.
Hang in there brother. I feel I'm pretty much in the same boat right now. It sucks because you feel helpless and you have no closure or understanding as to why it all happened. That is, by far, the worst part. And it's a giant blow to your self esteem and you start to question yourself, like did I do something wrong? What is it about me that they don't like? But you know what? It doesn't matter. Everything happens for a reason. You have your memories and you use the experience as a learning tool and you grow. Your heart hurts, and you lay there and bleed for a while. But ultimately, you get tired of wallowing in your sorrow, alone. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take another chance and put yourself back out there.
Its sad to hear that but that doesn't mean life has nothing else to it. indulge yourself in something you have always liked and wanted to do or be in life. if you go out aimless daily and do nothing meaningful to you, you'l soon realize you have wasted your precious time, which i'm sure you dont want. also, joining some classes you'd love to learn or joining a job will help you keep busy and meet new people. it'l give your life a new meaning, a new goal. all the best
I think I'm starting to go near insane. All I can do lately is think about him. Literally that is all I do..I mean I do other things physically, but even while doing those things any chance I have I'll think of him. I'm building these psychotic realities in my head of "what ifs", going through scenarios of us being together where this never happened, and I'm actually happy again..until I quickly realize I'm literally making up stories in my head. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo or surreal-ness. I went to Disneyland this weekend with my family..Disneyland, supposedly the happiest place on Earth. All I did the entire time was pretend he was with me, not to the point of literally where I imagined him there, but again, more "what if" scenarios of if he were there with me at the time, what he'd say, what we would be doing, so on. I can't let go. I'm trying so hard but I simply can not do it. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm not apt to go see any kind of therapist. There are times I feel okay..but any moment I can access my thoughts without interruption he's there. I feel so pathetic and defeated. He's living his life just fine, I'd be surprised if he's even thought of me a single time since this happened, as if I never even existed. While me..he's just completely dominated my thoughts and life.
