As of late, i have been having returning thoughts of suicide.... (to fully understand me... I suggest you read this thread... Its a long one, so if you dont have the time, i understand. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/129284-need-some-serious-advice.html) I still never told that boy. Im still closeted outside my 20 or so internet friends and 7 or so real life friends. But these suicidal thoughts return every time my mind wanders to my old crush. Not even crush... He was my absolute obsession. I cant even think about him anymire without feeling terrible inside. He did nothing wrong to me. He didnt know i liked him. Its not fair for me to feel anger that he broke my heart if he never knew in the first place, but i still love him. Advice anyone... I hope im not insane and need people with a large net to take me away... Obsession over someone sounds like... It makes it sound like i have a closet full of photos and hair samples or some other stereotypical junk... Its not like that..... A few photos on my phone maybe... But nothing dumb like a shrine... Why am i talking about this... Advice?
Ohmgygawd, I just read your story, even though I'm late for school now. You're WAY more important! I have been where you are. I just tried to take pills last week. But I came here and I had so much love given to me, I decided against it. Know that we live you. I love you. I don't even know you, but I wish I could go to where you are and give you a huge hug. Believe me, everything will be okay. Please talk with us. Tell me what else going on. ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2014 at 07:02 AM ---------- Also, you're not insane. We have all had crushes and what you're describing is nothing to be ashamed of. Over time, this crush might go away. I don't want to say that it definitely will because that might be inconsiderate of how you feel towards him. I want you to live yourself the way we love you. You are an amazing person, and I wish we could meet. I know that you are smart and kind and that you will find someone who will love you back. Know this, I am not telling you to "move on with your life." That is insensitive, and not what you should be focusing on. It will cause you pain if you find that you can't just move on. I've been there a lot. Please try to love yourself. I really want to hear back from you. I will be here as much a u can for you despite school. please don't hesitate to share more if you want to, but you don't have to. P.S. I wish that I had been here when you posted that thread. I hadn't joined then, but I am so sorry that I wasn't here
I am so sorry it took me this long to reply... I have been going through a few things in life, some good, some bad. For example, I hyper extended my knee just yesterday and I can no longer walk... Which prompted me, since I am now bed ridden, to come here. (sorry for making you late!! ) Excuses aside, I thank you very much for your kind reply. Did you read all of that? :eek: that must've taken soo long. I had a lot of support in that thread. More than I ever ever thought I would have ever foufound. I have never, repeat, never had such an overwhelming number of people tell me they care about me as a person. I even don't let myself feel good about me. All my mind sees is the negatives, which is a result of my low self esteem and diagnosed depression. I am a fantastic writer, so I have heard, I can play the piano, I can draw, I read well, I can swim fast, I'm relatively good looking , or so I have heard from... Well that doesn't count...... :lol: I don't know why. I hahave written a note about my loblove, my crush on this single soul every few days since last year. The length of some of them... I'm at 200 pages and I just don't know. If ever there was someone on this earth that I wanted to even just be near. I just want to be there, to see him smile, to see him be happy, to hold his hand, hug and hold. To feel what his warm embrace feels like when I wake up to see his smiles NGOs face looking back at Myne. I want to help him through struggles, make him happy, carry him to bed when he is tired, and know what that infinitely taunting feeling of a lovers kiss feels like. I would walk a million miles of desert, just to know that he is a million miles closer to me. All I want is his love, and if I can't have it, then I settle on just knowing that he is happy wherever he is. I would save myself for him. I would take a bullet, die... For this other human soul. Is this obsession? Because if it is, then he is the whole reason I exist... I ask god why I am here all the time. God doesn't make any crap, as my mom always says. But why am I here? If the soul I love will never be able to return those feelings. I question god, but in the ending every prayer, I thank him for at least giving me the chance to have known him, to experience what it was like to know true love, even if it hurts so bad... I don't see myself as having any desirable attributes. I'm overweight, I'm losing my hair at 19... I have no muscle, no tan, I have keratosis Pilaris, a skin condition that basically makes your pores really noticable. Im tall, real tall... 6"5, but thats like, all i got going for me... Me. Im smart, but these are all things that are under a hideous exterior and it makes me feel awful. I try to tell myself that im okay, itll be okay, i am a good person, i love myself, but its hard to find the truth in those words when my mind just puts me down every chance it gets. I would like my whole life alone if it meant he would be happy. Thats all i want. I just so desperately wish it was me making him happy...*name here*, I will always love you... I know suicide isnt the answer. I have been over that bridge. But even though i have delt with coming out to my parents and many friends, and my own religious acceptance, i still dont feel like my inner mind accepts myself for it. I dont feel nearly as bad as i did when i made that thread. At that point i was experimenting with drug doses and crying myself to sleep every night, and crying ti my friend at college every night at the school fountains, dealing with learning i was gay, and learning that my dear crush, was not. No, at this point im just sad that i am all alone. I have my parents, and 3 friends that i hang out with every couple of weeks. I know i dont know if there is anyone out there harboring feelings for me like i do for my crush, bit i sincerely doubt it, as i am alone most of the time, and i dont go anywhere to be seen by people... I am going to go now... My broken leg and i have some sleeping to do... These pain killers be makin me tired. I look forward to replies. Thanks for being here for me when i have no one that i want to deal with in person. <3
