Oh boy. I have a lot to say. I wasn't sure if I should really post, because I wasn't sure if other people could really help me, or judge me for my problems, or trivialize them... If you want to hear my backstory, click here. Where to start honestly? Lately, I've been having "episodes" if you will of crazy self-hatred and depression. Usually what happens is that there is a voice in my head that tells me very negative thoughts. It's almost as if he (or I, since it's me thinking this to myself) bullies me. Common phrases that are thought are: TRIGGER WARNING: "You're nothing but a pathetic faggot who deserves all the pain that comes to you" "You're a monster. You don't even deserve to be called human." "You chose this path to ruin your father's dreams. You ungrateful faggot son. He feeds you, gives you shelter, and even pays for your college, and all you will do is crush his only dream of you because you can't even love women." "How pathetic. You're a disgrace to everyone around you." "Look at you, trying to smile and be friendly. But deep down, you're just a faggot monster. You know what you are. You don't deserve friends." --- Usually they last about 30 minutes to an hour. My mood just plummets. I get into a massive self-hatred phase. I've noticed that a lot of them are triggered by things. Some common triggers are: My dad talks about my potential love life (with girls). I get faced with homophobia. I see happy gays that are content with themselves and get into a huge fit of jealousy. Speaking of which. I'm guilty of internalized homophobia. HOWEVER, I don't vocally express it. Not once have I ever bullied someone for being gay. Not even online under the protection of anonymous communication. Nor have I ever done something that hasn't supported the LGBT community. I'm logical enough to know that I would never bully someone else. But the thoughts happen in my mind. I call the other people names in my mind as if I were trying to project the hatred I get myself. I'm not really proud of that. But at least it's not expressed out loud... My biggest problem is that I honestly can't accept myself. One of my biggest fears of making this post was that people would make comments to me like: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and face what you are" "You don't really have it that hard." Deep down, I truly don't want to be gay. I KNOW it's not wrong. I know that logically, it's simply a variance of human sexuality and does no harm to the holder or anyone else. It's like you're born with a curse in which others just automatically hate you for and you can't control it nor do you mean any ill will towards them. (Though, I don't want to refer to homosexuality as a "curse", as I know that's offensive. Since it's not inherently wrong at all!). But even if I know there's nothing wrong with it. I don't want to have it. I support it. But I don't want it. I don't want to have something that would make my dad and most of my conservative family hate me. I know that I would disappoint them all. I know that society will mock me, hate me, oppress me. I don't want to deal with that at all. I'm a naturally self-elitist person. I tend to try and be as perfect as I can be. So having something like this is really conflicting with that nature and brings out problems. ...I know that I need to be strong, face myself, and stop trying to feel sorry for myself. But I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to. I don't have the will. And these negative emotions, they are so powerful. They are sooooo hard to fight off. ;_____; If you read this far, thank you. I'm at the point where honestly I just want to find help even just a little.
First of all, I just want to justify your emotions. One thing I've noticed in this post and your backstory post is that it seems like you don't feel justified feeling like this because others may be worse off than you are. My point is: these emotions are real and are no less important than anyone else's. If it affects you this way, you don't have to be in a horrible situation to express them. I also struggle with internalized homophobia. I'm not too harsh on myself, but I am still not accepting of my sexuality. I feel like telling people will help me work through my issues, but that's not the case at least for me. My problem is on the inside meaning no matter how positive someone is about it, I will always degrade myself anyway. I don't feel loved even though my parents say they love me everyday. When they say that, I say to myself, "You love the 'straight' me, not the real me." I tell myself that the people who do know and are accepting are exceptions to the norm. Combine all of that with social anxiety, self-esteem, and self-image issues and I'm just one big mess. Anyways, the whole point of me writing all of this is just to let you know that you aren't alone with this particular issue. I can't count the number of times I've felt guilty because I will never have a "traditional" family, or be able to give my mom grandchildren since I'm the only child. I know adoption is an option, but I feel like that wouldn't be the same to her. You're not alone in feeling this way, and you are justified in feeling this way. Don't ever feel like someone else is more important because your situation isn't as bad as theirs.
it sounds like the degree of "negative self-talk" is potentially unhealthy.. and you could take some steps to distract yourself when you find your mind going down that spiral. Particularly if it pulls you in to a dark pit of depression. Here is where some therapy could come in handy (you say you have a psychiatrist - but not a therapist?) You could do with feeling more positive about yourself and have more self respect. Your father may not be so down on the idea of you being gay. Sure he hopes you will be straight and maybe this explains his comments. As you are 19 you have a bit of time on your side and maybe you can stall things until you are away from home There's a lot of people in your position. Do you have any "out" friends you can talk to about it - sounds ilke you need a mini-support network around you too?
There are as many misconceptions about teen depression as there are about teenagers in general. Yes, the teen years are tough, but most teens balance the requisite angst with good friendships, success in school or outside activities, and the development of a strong sense of self.
Well, if I get it right, you ain't really afraid of being gay, but rather of what people would think. There is nothing wrong with you, pleasing others before yourself is what we've all been taught from birth. And I myself plead guilty. If you face yourself, it's basically bullying. It's not yourself that you need to face, but that mirror of yours. You're just a gay dude, not a faggot, and you know it. Now you're afraid of how people will see you. Back when I used to dance in the streets I told myself this over and over: If someone judges you for being who you are while you wouldn't judge them... Then that person is worth less than you are. And does the judgment of someone who's worth less than you are matters ? Not at all. As for your father, he's your father, and thus there is something that's called unconditional love. If your father and your family start hating you, let me say this one straight: They ain't worth your time, go on.
Sorry, I was away for a bit as I was at a trip. Back though. Yeah. Even if someone has an issue that's worse than someone else, it still effects them deeply, and thus it shouldn't be trivialized. It's almost hard to distract myself in that situation. It's like, I can't even look at people in the eye. I feel such shame going through me. I honestly worry that my health will start to deteriorate if I can't control this daily stress and self-hate. I DID go to therapy at one point, even came out to the therapist who was accepting (has a gay son herself). I stopped going, but I definitely will make plans to come back. My dad is doing everything in his power so that I'm not gay. He really, really doesn't want to have a gay son. And I know that once he finds out, the truth will crush him. He'll hate me. Vilify me as if it's my fault and CHOOSING to be this way. He'll be MAD at me, for something I can't even control... I have some friends online that I talk to about this. They talk sense into me and help me out. But when I'm away from the comfort zone that is the online world, I become vulnerable to my negative thoughts. I reaaally wish that was the case. But I'm not so sure. I am definitely afraid of what people will say. I live in a very homophobic area, and honestly, even in the most accepting areas, there are "those people". It's jarring to go out in public, and know that people will look at you in disgust if they knew, and probably harm you. Gay violence is still very common nowadays, and it's so bad that I hear people cant' even hold hands in public without risk. It's true. They are the "monsters" for judging me so harshly on something like sexuality. I know that but my emotions don't. As for my father, I plan to cut all ties with him if I move out and he doesn't accept me. -- In general, I REALLY need to work on accepting myself. I know it's going to take time. Regardless of what anyone says. It will take time. But some part of me, deep down, WANTS to change. there's a glimmer of light in this soul of darkness that wishes to pull me out of this pit. Having others' help is definitely good, but I know that I can't fully rely on others to help myself. Gathering the will is difficult.
