Hi Guys, So I recently made a thread looking for some advice on going to see a counselor, and being able to tell them the truth about how badly I am doing. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/227682-advice-counselling.html An update on it so far: I have been twice and have another appointment in 2 weeks. I have told her everything that I mentioned in the last post, and more. I have told her things I seriously thought I would never tell anyone. Things that disgust me about myself, that make me hate myself to the point that I consider just giving up on life completely. And do you know what...? At the time I felt terrible saying it, but now, it's really NOT THAT BAD! I still think I'm messed up, and I still have my bad nights, but things just don't feel as overwhelming. I still have an issue with my sexuality, and I still have an unimaginable amount of internalised homophobia. But I think i am coming to a point where I know I just have to start dealing with it, and start being ok with who I am. We talked about meeting some people in the gay community and getting comfortable talking to them (I have gay friends, but no one knows that I am gay!). So she says it will be different talking to a gay person when I know that they know I'm gay. So I think I'm getting to a point where I'm ok with this happening. I know it will be difficult but I just need to start sorting my life out because I'm not sure how much longer I can struggle like this for. Problem is, that her plan is to start this in a couple months time. She says that my inpatientness and "jumping into things" attitude is what has got me into bad situations in the past. And she's right! But I just don't know how I can wait that long to get the ball rolling on things. I would go to a gay bar but I think that's just too much to handle at the minute. I also know she has a point and I should listen to her as she knows what she is talking about. But I just feel like I need to do something, and not just sit back and continue struggling! Sorry long post, but anyone any thoughts? Or any advice on how to start accepting yourself? Thanks in advance
My first thought: Have you watched the Brené Brown videos I suggested? (Three different TED talks?) That's a great first start toward accepting yourself. Her work is profound in terms of helping people understand and get in touch with the issues that get in the way of love and belonging, which is where your issues are. Second, I'm inclined to agree with your therapist that waiting is a wise idea. I'd guess that most likely, the reason you want to just "jump in" is that you're feeling really unworthy, and somewhere, at a conscious or unconscous level, you think "If only I get a boyfriend, then I'll feel happy". But your therapist wisely recognizes this as simply a way to, in Brené's words, hustle for your worthiness. When we externalize happiness, we will never be happy. And this leads to really unhealthy relationships. By taking some time to talk about and work on these issues, you will be better able to understand yourself and your feelings, and take some steps to work on your issues before putting yourself out there.
I don't think I can give you any advice on how to accept yourself. It simply takes time and is something that will eventually just 'happen'. I agree with the above 100%. I recognize so much of myself in your post, it's insane. I was just as impatient and impulsive as you are, and went for the 'jump right into it' approach, and I can tell you it doesn't work that way. I ended up in one of those 'really unhealthy relationships' (I didn't recognize it as such at the time), and looking back I really didn't make any progress at all. If anything, it just slowed the process down. In the end, what I really needed was time alone. You need to do this on your own, because you need to learn to love yourself on your own. Meeting gay people is great, but it shouldn't be used as a means to stop struggling or to start accepting yourself, because in the end other people can't do that for you; you'll have to do it yourself. I know it's incredibly hard and can feel like an endless struggle, but trust me, it's not an endless struggle. It really does take time. I'd suggest trusting your therapist on this one. She sounds like she knows what she's doing.
Hi Chip, Yes, i have watched the Ted Talks, thanks so much for suggestioning them. Its probably me being inpatient, but i like to feel that im actively trying to change things instead of just waiting for something to happen, so the videos helped a lot. I forgot about the book, but i am going to order later today! I took a lot out of the one about 'listening to shame'. I think a lot of my issues revolve around growing up being up told what real masculinity is and what it means to be a man. And i know my views are wrong, but these ideas are so ingrained in my head now, that i cant help but feel less of a man because of all this stuff. So the idea that vulnerability is not weakness, is not something i disagree with it. Its just something that i cant stop telling myself anytime i think about putting myself in a position where i am revealing things about myself to people. Although I did manage to tell the therapist some incredibly personal stuff, which i suppose is a start. Thanks for your opiniom justinf, Both of you are right, and so is the therapist. And I know the majority of times i have jumped into things like this the last year has ended with me in a very dark place considering very bad things. You would think i would learn from my mistakes but apparently not :/ It's just at this moment, i dont spend everyday wishing i was dead. So i just feel frustrated that i cant do anything except sit back and see what happens. Justinf, I think a lot of the meeting gay people is to do with the fact that i have this very distorted mindset of what it is to be gay and what gay people are like. Like i said earlier, i have a bit of issue with masculinity and such, and the only gay people i know are very camp. I just dont know how to relax when i have these periods where i actually feel like i could accept being gay!
I think what you said here only proves that you should try and work on your own issues first before meeting other people. For starters, from my own experience, going to a gay bar is not going to change your 'mindset of what gay people are like'. Most likely, it will only confirm that mindset (although this depends on the bar). Secondly, and this is exactly what I tried to say in my first post, you shouldn't need other people in order to accept who you are. Accepting yourself has absolutely nothing to do with other people. Meeting camp gay guys, or masculine gay guys, or any kind of gay guys, is not gonna change anything about who you are. You have to learn to be happy with yourself regardless and in spite of others. I hope that makes sense. Obviously in the end, it's your decision.
Hi justinf, yeah...i suppose you're right. I just have a lot of issues that I don't think are ever going to actually be sorted out. I never really thought about that (the gay bar), it will probably only reinforce the stereotype. It all makes a lot of sense, thank you. It's just putting it into practice now. Life really shouldn't be this shit.
