Hi, I'm sorry if this doesnt make sense im pretty drunk while writing this, but im kind of in Trouble, and panicking quite a bit. Ive been writing a little bit about my struggles accepting myself lately, and about seeing a therapist. But tonight i fucked up real bad! I got in an argument with my friends because they wanted to take me home because i was too drunk but i told them i needed another drink. They asked me why, but i just said i do. Truth is, i need a drink because i need to forget how much i hate myself. But anyway i got in a bit of an argument and ended up walking off (i know im a dick!). I needed to get away because i knew i was going to break down and start crying (pathetic right!). So i started walking away, and i ended up walking to the gay bar. Not sure why, i just needed some soft of a message to say its ok to be gay. But i walked outside of the gay bar and accidently bumped into a guy i know ( someone that i suspected was gay for a while). I panicked! What the hell was i going to say to him? I told him i went for a walk and got lost. But again i panicked! I said goodbye and started walking away! He said if you're in to this sort of thing i wont tell anybody. I just had to get away. I stuck my head down and started walking away. I could hear him following me. I could hear him calling my name, but i didnt know what to do, so i just kept walking fast away from the area! I am freaking out a lot now. But he said he wont tell anyone. Surely he knows how hard it is to deal with being gay. Someone please tell me he woñt tell anyone! He is gay he knows how hard it is to accept. He wont out me to everyone. Obviously by the way i reacted he knows im gay, please say he wont tell anyone I'm not ready for everyone to know. Ive been managing to keep this a secret until now, what if he tells everyone. I cant handle being alone now! I wanted to text him saying i made a mistake that i was drunk and lost, but realistically thats stupid. Obviously he knows im gay now. But how do i make sure he wont tell anyone? Sorry agaim, this shouldnt be the place to write while drunk, but im really struggling and dont know what to do! Thanks for any replies!
Hey, take a deep breath. I totally get why you panicked and it sounds like he does too, im sure he wont say anything but if you need to talk maybe he would be a good place to start, as well as EC of course. I am sure he wont say anything.
Hi Silverhalo, Thank you for your reassurance. I have calmed down a little bit now today. I still have no idea what im going to do! If i hadnt of panicked i could have made something up, but now he knows and he will prob say it to 1 person who will say it to 1 person and so on. So soon it will just spread to everyone. This gay thing just gets better and better
If he's a half decent person, he will understand how delicate this is for you. I understand how stressfull it is. I was in the closet for a long time and didn't come out until 23. From someone who truly understands the psychological trap of being in the closet. I also fully understand the anguish that comes with hiding. For me, it took a depression before I finally came out. After a couple of months I realized that hiding my sexuality was making me sick. That's when I came out. From the bottom of my heart, the best advice I can give you is to just come out of the closet (unless you live somewhere where that could put you in danger). There is only shame if you show you're ashamed of it. By accepting it, embracing it, and no longer hiding it, you will lose the complex you have about it. Don't waste any more of your youth in hiding. Enjoy life to the fullest, be honest be vulnerable, fall in love, be genuine with your friends. It seems impossible to believe right now, but you truly will be in a better place after coming out. It may take some time but life will get better, I promess. Of course it is easier said than done... and you can only do it when you're ready, perhaps talk with a counselor, but if I could go back and give some advice to my younger self, it would be to not waste any more time hiding in anguish. It's not worth it.
First, just keep breathing. This too shall pass. I know it feels like an insurmountable problem, and I also know that you'll get past it. From your other posts, you've already made a great deal of progress, and I suspect your unconscious is pushing you where your conscious mind doesn't quite think it's ready for. While I don't advocate altering consciousness with alcohol or drugs, as it can get you into a lot of trouble in one way or another, one thing that does often happen is... what our unconscious thinks/wants/believes is more able to come to the surface because our conscious mind is dulled down. And I think that's what happened here. Part of you was ready to take the next step, but your conscious mind was going "NO! NO!" As to what happened... pretty much everyone who is gay remembers when they knew but were closeted. And unless they are complete assholes, they remember how scared they were that someone would find out. So... decent people won't "out" you. And.. I really do believe that these things happen to us because, at some unconscious level, we're ready for them to happen. That might be hard to swallow, but it happens more often than you'd think. The fact that you're seeing a therapist is bound to break loose a lot of feelings inside. I know you've struggled with "going too quickly", and your self-esteem issues are clearly getting in the way. So... what to do? The first is to accept the things you can't change. There's nothing you can do about the fact that this guy knows you're gay. And either he'll keep your secret, or he won't. (Most likely he will.) But either way, you have no control over what he does or doesn't do. What you can do is take control for you. If you're genuinely concerned that word will get out, you can control it getting out by telling the people you want to know, so they hear it from you rather than through the grapevine. Yes, that's a tall order and scary as hell, but really, no more scary than people finding out without your control. Second, if you haven't already, I would suggest discussing your alcohol use with your therapist. The pattern you're describing -- using alcohol to numb the feelings of how much you hate yourself -- is a textbook classic pattern that leads to abuse and alcoholism. And there's nothing wrong with crying. We're conditioned to believe it's weak and pathetic, but you've watched the Brené videos, so I know you know this isn't true. (That doesn't make it easy... it never is...) The path to learning to love and believe in yourself is going to take a while, but one of the biggest blocks to feeling better about yourself is staying closeted. Once you come out, a huge part of your self-esteem will improve. There will be more to work on, but I can guarantee that in your case, being closeted is really affecting your self-worth. So... as scary as it might sound, maybe one thing to consider is simply grabbing the bull by the horns and putting it right out there. Ripping off the band-aid. Definitely discuss this with your therapist. And keep us in the loop.
Hi Guys, As always, thanks so much for your support. I can't imagine how difficult things would be if I didn't have this place to come and talk. I have these bursts of anxiety where I start catastrophising the whole situation and imagining the worst, that everyone finds out and so on. But when I calm down, I think I should be ok. I don't know the guy that well but have been getting to know him a little bit more over the last few weeks. I think he seemed genuine when he said "if you're into this sort of thing I won't tell anyone". And the fact that he went after me when I took off quickly, possibly may mean he was concerned. Not sure! Hopefully. I do think he should be a nice guy. But that doesn't mean he won't tell a friend and everything start from there... I was good at this closet stuff for a while. But I'm just getting too tired now. I don't have the energy to make up good lies anymore. I barely have the energy to pull myself out of bed and go to work. And in work I'm a mess. I just can't deal with this anymore. Something needs to change. And I think you both are right I just need to get over it and do it. Cory675 unfortunately I do actually live in a place where there is laws against homosexuality (voluntarily moved here like an idiot!) - so we will see the level of "out" i can be. I already regret my whole youth and college experience for not accepting this - but I can't seem to translate this to wasting no more time by staying closeted!! Chip, a lot of this stuff has actually crossed my mind, especially since this incident. I seem to have a knack to screwing myself over when I'm drunk but in a direction that actually progresses this whole process. (Not sure if that makes sense, but I know what you mean in your post!). Not sure if I'm ready to progress, but I sure as hell can't keep going the way I am. Yeah I know I can't take back what happened, but it's just more regrets added to the long list I have. Logically thinking though, at least it's one less person I have to tell As for the use of alcohol. She and I know that I drink too much and for the wrong reasons. But if I'm honest, that's not going to change any time soon. I know it makes things ultimately worse, but it's also the only bit of relief that I get from all this. Sort of a weighing up the pros and cons job. Yeah I know, I'm still working on this view of weakness thing. I know it's not true, but at the same time it's still something I struggle to believe. Or even something I struggle to believe that other people will think the same. I know i'm not going to be able to survive another month the way things are, so I know coming out will have to happen soon, even if the therapist thinks it's too soon. I will talk to her when I see her next on Friday. Seems like so long away but thank you for breaking up the gap for me! Thanks again all
Here's something to think about with the alcohol: It may seem like a solution right now, but the way alcohol addiction works (to the best of current knowledge) is that people who use it on a regular basis to numb feelings or avoid unpleasant thoughts are at higher risk of addiction than those who use it socially, don't overdo it, and do so only occasionally. Additionally, there appears to be a biochemical "switch" in the brain. We don't understand a lot about it, but what we do know is that, at a certain point, the switch is turned on, and once it is turned on, the use of alcohol is no longer voluntary; it becomes an addictive behavior that isn't in conscious control. And once the switch is turned on, it can't be turned off. In other words... for the most part, once you cross the line, you're an alcoholic and that's something you're stuck with. I would very strongly suggest that you consider other strategies, unless a lifetime addiction to alcohol use doesn't bother you. The situation you're feeling now will go away as you are able to come out; the addiction won't. It does sound like you're indirectly moving yourself forward, and you seem to be at a place where you realize that staying in the closet is no longer feasible. Is it possible for you to simply uproot (or otherwise make plans and get out of where you currently are) and get yourself back to a place where being gay is condone? It seems like that's going to be necessary. I wish you the best.
Hi Chip, Its not that a lifetime addiction to alcohol doesnt bother me, but at the moment i'll do whatever gets me through the week. I dont drink much during the week, or at all some weeks. Its just when i do at the weekend i pretty much binge. I know it could be a problem in the future, but honestly at times i struggle to see past next month, so the future is not something i always think about. Ive tried other strategies but they often dont work or require energy and motivation that i most of the time dont have. I know youre right! I just cant see myself being able to do anything about it yet. I will try and ease of a bit. As for uprooting again. Ive only just got here and I would like to stay a little longer. I have worked hard to get this job, and its a decent one. From what i see, it doesnt seem to be that bad here. Its not like every week you hear of someone being sent to prison for being gay. As always, thanks for your advice.
Last week I was visiting a good friend in Dubai. Homosexuality is illegal there. My friend has been living there for the past two years and moved there for work. He has developed a strong social circle with other gay guys. He has had boyfriends. He enjoys living there. Now, the community is essentially underground. While there are now outwardly visible gay bars, there are regular gatherings that occur at different venues. Myself being there with my partner, we were discrete, but never felt intimidated nor concerned. We stayed at a western hotel and no one cared that we were a couple. This might not be the case where your living, but hopefully there are some parallels that can help minimise your concerns (and it sounds like you already recognise that). Regarding the guy you know, it sounds like your doing the right thing developing a friendship with him. It would be good for you to have someone you can trust and speak to. I hope that continues to work out.
Hi OnTheHighway, Very similar circumstances here. There are actual gay bars they're just tucked away together. I dont get the impression there is usually any serious trouble there either! Its good to hear that people are making it work in places like this, thanks Its a possibility i could try and speak to him, but i dont know him that well. I havent even got the courage to text him yet and even acknowledge what happened the other night. I'm sort of terrified to make any move in case i screw anything else up, so going to try and wait until i go and see therapist on friday before i do anything!
Sounds like you have a good game plan! And without even acknowledging what happened, you can always offer up having a coffee together once your more comfortable.
Hi guys, posted a thread in coming out section if anyones interested. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/230202-coming-out-round-2-a.html Thank you for the advice. I'm going to give coming out another shot! fuck it, can't keep going on the way I am. Thanks again (!)
