Redesigning a life

Hi evolvingme,

You've come to the right place to talk to other people who have been through or are going through very similar things.

Is there a LGBTQ center near you? Do you have access to a therapist or counselor?

 

Hi Evolvingme, welcome to EC.

Since you are new to forums of any kind let me start with a quick tip, it’s something that had me confused for some time when first using this site, which was also my first forum, and that is the letters OP that you may come across. You are the OP .. the Original Poster.

With regard to the support groups for the young adults, when I came out a year ago I felt like a teenager again and still do and it’s called by some our “gay adolescence”. I’m sure that even though I’m now in my 50s some of the issues I face are identical to those of a young adult coming out. I have found joining a local support group for all ages very beneficial and have found it easy to get along with younger guys. It’s possibly you may find the same if you give them a try, and most likely those running the support group will be older that the young adults and perhaps more your own age and still be in a position to offer some advice. I also found reading some of the posts from younger members on this site helpful and could identify with the issues they were working through.

If you have not been to a support group before I described my experiences in the following post.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2199002-post13.html

SGG

 

Hey Evolvingme, welcome to EC. starting over at 36 is tough, im doing it at 47 with a mid teen to raise myself, so i know of what you speak:icon_wink.

try googling for LGBT supports in your area. or look up your nearest PFLAG group, they support all ages. my therapist introduced me to a couple of her LGBT friends and since then i've gone out to their house and to a big BBQ with a mix of all sorts of people gay, lesbian, bi, and all the colours of the rainbow including allies. that might be just the thing for you?

good luck and let us know how your doing on your journey to living an authentic life. we're all here for you.(&&&)

 

You might have a look at this:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/149312-internet-dating.html#11

 

Hi Evolving,

I am doing the same after 23 years of marriage and 5 kids later. I have been out to my kids and family for almost a couple of years now. But the beginning of 2014 was the first coming out in the community. Freaking scary!! And I had just broken up with the first woman I had ever been with. But you can do it and there is no other option really unless you are capable of cramming back into that closet. It doesn't sound like you can do that anymore...so accept yourself and your life and your incredible bravery and courage and take one day at a time. Live moment to moment. I hear myself telling myself so much, you are okay right now, and you will be okay later.

Through my therapist I found a support group. Most of those people were older. There were nine of us. We weren't allowed to be friends during the 12 weeks but we have a pretty good system of supporting each other now and we reach out often.

I also found lesbian meet ups and formed friendships through them. Whatever you are interested in, look into that. I go to a lesbian bookclub. I play dodgeball. I like to dance. Soon I formed friendships. I have only lived in this city for a few years so I don't have any family or support in that way. I lost my religious community so I had to start from scratch. You can do it. Look on line. Although I know many places don't have the same kind of support for LGBT. I'm lucky to live in this city.

Take care of yourself...lots of deep breathing.

thinking of you.

 

Thank you for sharing i dont have any advice as im exoeriencing the same things but i wanted to let you know youre not alone.

 

Oh yeah, I know I can relate! And I know other people here can too. (*hug*)

 

Hi Evolving...I don't know where you are in Rhode Island but there are so many options for you. Here are some links. I hope it helps.

Find your people - Meetup

Boston Lesbian Happy Hour (Boston, MA) - Meetup

South of Boston Lesbians (South Weymouth, MA) - Meetup

Lesbians Out and About, RI (Providence, RI) - Meetup

RI Lesbian Social Group (North Kingstown, RI) - Meetup

Lesbian community in RI & South East Mass (Providence, RI) - Meetup

Ova4D (Boston, MA) - Meetup

SE Ma and RI Gay/Lesbian Women (North Attleboro, MA) - Meetup

(40+) Femme Woman4Femme Women - Femme Only Group (FW4FW) (Boston, MA) - Meetup

The Boston Gay Women's Meetup Group (Boston, MA) - Meetup

And there are so many more. You just need to find something that fits your own unique personality.

I highly recommend a therapist. From that person you should be able to find a more therapy oriented support group perhaps. There are lesbian book clubs and sports...whatever you are interested in.

Be brave. There will be some great and supportive people out there for you. I have started to find a true family community for myself.

Hang in there. It's scary to change your life.

 

:icon_bigg you are very welcome :icon_bigg

 

All I think all day, is can I cope and adjust if I totally change my life? is it to late? Will i ever settle? Will it make it worse, and what im guessing is that at first it will be hard, and as you adjust and let all the old bullshit go, it will become easier and easier.
I have not yet put thus to the test, and have failed utterly in coming out attempt #1 in march this year.
Im glad that you have managed to be honest with yourself and your young ones.
My youngest is only two years old, still needing a lot of attention.
Welcome.to ec, the happy place where we can share our thoughts and feelings.
..

 

Wow Evolving...I loved reading that. Thank you for writing it. I could have written it myself. My beautiful 16 year old came out a year ago and is a warrior. She is really proactive now and political in her thoughts and brave to family and friends. We come from a super religious background and she has handled all of our extended family with grace and honesty. I barely came out 6 months before her and not to society as a whole but just family and friends. Frankly, she has been a support to me. I hope that I am still a support to her even though I am coming late to the game. Now my 10 year old has a chance to live authentically, whatever that means to her...

It's never to late. This is freakishly hard. Only give yourself credit and talk to yourself about your bravery and courage now. It's useless to worry about the past and berate yourself for not doing it sooner. You did what you had to and now you are doing amazing work now.


“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

― Maya Angelou

 

Hi sure i will share. The parts i relate to most in your post is the hiding and the shame. I have had feelings towards women since i was eleven. I quickly reprimanded myself and pushed those thoughts away. However the feelings kept arising of course and from that time on i had several crushes on other girls and my biology teacher. Through my teens i never thought omg im gay i just knew i didnt have crushes on boys i was not girl crazy over boy bands i felt different. I did however have a couple of actresses i had crushes on, on my diary. Of course mixed in with some of the male actors from the show and then i decided to put up posters of bon jovi everywhere and picked richie sambora as the one i thought was "cute" to fit in. But it was a concious effort.

At 15 i fell in love with my best friend. I hadnt realised until she moved away with her new bf and i was absolutely heart broken. However it was not until i was twenty that i had my first experience with a girl and i knew right away. I started going to gay clubs i told my mum. She is extremely religious and ofc reacted badly. I then met my daughters father in a gay club. I thought he was gay but then later found out he wasnt. When he asked me to marry it was my attempt to be straight get married have kids and please my mum.

I felt trapped and knew it wasnt what i wanted. But i had made my bed as my mother puts it so i stayed eight yrs. He had an affair and so did i with a woman. I tried to cover it then eventually left. At 30 i met my first true love and came out to everyone. I had very little support and unfortunately it wasnt a healthy relationship. She passed away a year after we broke up due to her drinking problems.

It ended nasty and very messy. I had a friend online who supported me through it all. He cane from the usa to meet me. Things happened that shouldnt have happened and i tried to do the straight thing again. As i realised it wasnt going to work i found out i was pregnant. Since i have spent the last three years trying to be something im not again.

Hiding myself all over again. I was too ashamed and the lack of support made it so much easier to jump back into the closet. Now here i am again feeling relieved and confident yet scared and at a loss about who i am. Not my sexuality but who is the real me and what bits are just from people pleasing hiding and doing my best to never come across as a lesbian. Which i realised for me is a very hard thing to say and idk why. I can say i love women and oh i do with a passion. But to say im a lesbian brings the feelings of shame and so much so it would make me cringe but now im starting to accept it finally!

Its done so much damage trying to stuff back inside the real me and try to be like most people and a good christian girl who does not have evil homosexual thoughts lmao

It has definitely shattered my facade one i can never put back up and hooray for that!

 

I have a theory on that, Clearvision... Everybody agrees that "love" is good and pure, but "lesbian" is a label, and who ever wants to be labelled? Especially with one that many people judge negatively? If you're not comfortable with that label, don't slap it on yourself. Find another way to express your self-identity, one that you can embrace, one that makes you proud to be you.

Heck, I think "Clear" does nicely!