Finally being honest with myself at 40, but now i have to come out to my wife!

hi Clovis, welcome to the site, been there late last year, very difficult to predict how your wife will respond, some good others not so well. Have you thought about therapy? I told my wife via text, but went home to speak to her shortly after amd we spoke about it, it's the hardest words you can say but if it's true, you are gay, you will find a way.

There is no rush though, the thoughts won't kill you. Lean on us loads of us here know where your thoughts may be. It's tough. But we are still here.

Peace and hugs

Richie

 

There's no time limit. Nothing will expire and you don't have to worry about shelf-life. Take your time to process everything and untangle all the thoughts and concerns and scenarios that are running through your head. You've come to terms and made peace with yourself and that's a big deal - it helps you to put things into perspective.

Does your wife have any views on LGBT? Is there a friend or someone you are close to that you can talk to? Aside from us here, of course.

 

Well, here's kind of a thread within a thread. I came out to my wife a year ago and life has changed a lot since then. But you can find the whole story here. It's not easy, and you should probably be prepared for just about anything to happen. But here's my story....

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/150043-one-year-ago-weekend.html

 

No worries clovis

It might sound silly, but as you want to talk to your friend this week, perhaps start thinking about what you want to get across to her in the same manner you would want to speak with your wife. Obviously, the conversation will have its differences, but for you, mentally working out how you are going to approach the subject (your tone, the key words and thoughts you want to say) could be good practice. You have a pretty solid chance your friend is going to be accepting and you need to keep in mind that this is the first step towards being able to bring up the subject and talk things over with your wife, so keep all these positive outcomes and steps in the forefront of your mind.

 

Hi Clovis

Welcome to EC, you have come to the best place to help you find your way through this unexpected twist in your life. One of the great things about EC is the variety of points of view that can help you try and put in place a plan for moving forward. You can use bits and pieces of other guy’s experiences in very similar situations to form a basis of your plan. I have lost track exactly of the number of older married guys on this site who have discovered or finally admitted they are gay but I think it’s easily more than 50.

To be honest with you most of the guys on EC end up separating from their wife and moving out of the family home, however a small number of us, myself included, chose to stay with our wives and try and work out a compromise solution. I will be blunt and say it’s not easy and may not work in the end; some would say we are in an extended state of denial. Those of us who try this route are generally in marriages that are over 20 years long.

I have written several blogs about my experiences in understanding who I am and how I came out to my wife. Of the 3 blogs you may find the notes I gave my wife a helpful guide to structuring your thoughts since I’ve broken them down into different headings that could give you a framework to build your own ideas around.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6683-blog-entry-1-discovering-i-gay-my-mid-40s.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6730-blog-entry-2-coming-out-my-wife.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html



I would recommend you check out Journey of Life | Married GayMarried Gay
for some interesting facts, also on Amazon Kindle you can find a book by Dr Joe Kort called "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" it has several chapters relating to married gay guys and is very informative.

Hope this has been helpful, stay with us and keep posting.

SGG

 

Good morning Clovis,

Let me first join the others in welcoming you to EC.

My heart goes out to you as I too know what it is to make the "we need to talk" statement to your wife and go on to come out to her. You will know when it is time but please don't take too long... I did and about went off the deep end... but that's me. We've been trying to work it out... kind of like "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement.

Like you I recently met a guy that has changed my world view about all of this and he's ten hours away. I've been pretty much sleepless since I got home a few weeks ago. Thought it was my meds but while loading the dishwasher just now it dawned on me... I want to be there with him... not here! I look forward to your next post.

Hugs,
John

 

I am in a very similar situation to you... I don't know if I can offer any advice as I'm right in the middle of it, but at least you know there's yet one more going through it.

I have also distanced myself from my wife... it's actually causing major problems in our relationship and probably not helping my cause. I cannot come out to her for a few more months because of a legal reason (it's really complicated), and as terrible as I feel about it, I need to keep things as peaceful as possible until that time. I feel like I'm misleading her about this but I just don't see that I have any choice. So I guess the emotional distance and lack of sex are ways for me to make it easier for her when I finally do tell her the truth. I don't know it's all a bit messed up.

You should definitely talk to your friend about all this. I have a very good mate who is walking this journey with me and I feel in many ways I couldn't do it without him. The more support you have, the better.

Please keep us updated.

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2014 at 06:45 PM ----------

Oh, also am I correct in assuming that you don't have children (you didn't mention any)? If that's the case then you should encourage yourself by thinking about how lucky you are in that regard. I don't have kids and I know really how much easier things are going to be because of that.

I may feel at times like I have ruined my life by getting married, but when I read the stories on here of people who are in the same situation but also have kids (and have to decide whether to stay in the marriage, etc.), I'm just so thankful that I have had the courage to make this change before that complication enters the picture.

If, on the other hand, you do have kids, then ignore everything I said and know that there's lots of support for that on this forum as well lol.

 

Hi Clovis,.welcome to ec.
Coming out to my wife, (the first soul I ever spoke to about the true me) was one ofnthebhardest things I could do..the pressure to not come out, all self imposed was a hard battle with myself, and took a couple of years to sink in sadly, well she was pregnant at the time omg...
So i took it slow after the initial "i think i might be gay" through the streams of tears... Jeepers reliving it now! Lol.
Well, its been the most emotional time of my life thus far.
Its been nearly three years since then, and i have changed a lot inside.
But talking to get was the best thing i could have ever done, she does addmittedly love me a lot, but we have got to a point where although there is some distance in the relationship, its working for us at the moment.
I would not have made it without her support, as i have no other support or close friends to talk about things. Its not easy, and takes work from all parties, and i daresay we will move further apart in further, but perhaps not.
In my case, she was in denial about it for a good while, and was waiting to see if i would straighten out, but nope! Rainbow maker!
As of now, were the best friends we have ever been, and her support has got me to be able to accept myself. I did try to split up earlier this year, but that was mainly as i came out to the workd and the I laws started to interfere directly, telling her to dump me and move on and crap, which neither of us wanted.
She is a great person, and im blessed to have her helping me, but im not blond as to the cost, and that this will hamper my journey of self discovery a little, but to me its worth it.
the support of a companion, male or female.is crutial i think. Unless your are a lot stronger than i!.
Anyhow, just to say that although in most cases it cant work, it can for some, having said that, if I had left three years ago perhaps by now I would have settled within myself a bit more and be suitable for a ltr with a man, but who knows.
I had a terrible time when we split up, and ended up calling thengaybthing off and retreating into a bottle.. She has helped pull me back out, and (in the past now) questioned me when I was randomly going back into denial, helping me to be real.
She was very sad that I had not told her sooner, but only because its such a big thing, not for selfish reasons of wanting someone else instead.
So, i guess a lot comes down to how strong is your love? And what sort of person she is.
Some will just cut you out when you tell them, others will try to be as supportive and help you as a person, which gets easier over time.
So we joke and laugh about it, but im still not flying on my own wings yet, fluttering and gettig there yes..
I do have four kids, and if we didnt have them we would have split up ages ago for sure.
Also, i have always been amanic depressive heavily addictive type (mostly due to hiding myself i believe), so and recognised the mental strain i was putting on myself and slowed down a bit to give my brain time to adjust. A lot of silly denial layers to work through, all good.
Im now a much better person for accepting myself, acceptance is bliss and wow, at this age there is a whole lifetime of denial to be shaken away and key yoyrself redevelop as you were menat to.
I still dont have any gay relationships yet, mot for the want of wanting, but life is busy and am working on that.
If i had a boyfriend, the I envisage that we would all be friends, although i would be moving out.
Good luck to you, and the bigggest thing i would say is to be honest, and open, open up to your wife, show her your vunerabilities and hope to god that she dies not put a dagger in and twist. For me i had no choice, knowine to talk tonothernthan her, and she is a special person. And give her time.to absorb it all, its a massive change, yoy have been preparing, whilst she has not, but she will have been worrying about the relationship, and will likley breathe a sigh of relief she you tell her.
You owe it to her to tell her, it can be a big deal, bit that its just a thing, and its no big deal, life goes on....
What is important is that you and her can talk and be open and honest (give her time to absorb bits at a time also).
Anyhow wishing you a safe voyage on the good ship of homosexualitynandnself discovery and finally growing up




So, do you real

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2014 at 01:02 PM ----------

, my wife is a Very strong individual, and was not flapped to much, till her sister and hubby got involved, which is ok again, well never see.them, she talks to her sister still, who is small minded.. Glad I chose the right one lol!

---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2014 at 01:19 PM ----------

We will dmseperate when im ready to fly.

 

Welcome,

It's all a process but coming here is a great start and a great resource. Take one step at a time, things will become easier and become more clear.

 

Hi Clovis,

I guess we are in same situation. But only one difference that my wife discovered from my mobile txts that i was planning to meet in HK. That day is the day my wife just collapsed and she cried alot and me too. Although i realised that i was interested in men more than women later in my life. We were happily married for 11 years after which i started keeping away from her physically and then she too focused on her hobbies which are really rewarding to her. I m proud of her but now there is no trust in between us. Oh we have a daughter of 10 and we both wud die for her. She is mad about us both and thats why separation is next to impossible. Neither of us want divorce but ....now i m out to her and she is still finding it difficult to accept. She hates the fact of being Gay...but this way we are keeping the family intact and till certain extent v both are happy in individual lives. she is not seeing anyone else that is in a way good news for me and i feel that she is been deprived of sex in the very nearing 40 age.
But I am happy that now atleast she does not blame herself of not satisfying me in bed.

We are learning to move on. Same time I feel she is still very possessive about me....if this is not love anymore but she feels that i should be safe.

I feel taking that first big step needs lot of courage which u must take before she finds out herself and is badly and deeply wounded. U urself telling her will ( i feel ) will not hurt her the way hurt my wife.

Good Luck from this Indian friend.

 

Hey Clovis,

Very similar situation here. I came out to my wife right before Christmas last year due to the fact that I had become distant and was finding ways to avoid her. We had been having communication issues before, but as I began to accept the fact that I was gay, I began creating busy work for myself to not even be in the same room with her. One day she had finally had enough and confronted me to find out what was going on and in that moment I came clean. I completely crushed her. I have to this day remained faithful, and while coming out to her has created some trust issues, I have no desire to even begin seeking out a relationship with another man until I have sorted through my own ups and downs. I have 4 kids all under 12. And I have the same worries that you do about hurting them. At the same time I know that by keeping everything bottled up I have become a discontent angry monster that yells at the drop of a hat. I would never physically hurt my children, but I have seen the fear and tears in their eyes when I lose my cool. I have to ask myself, which is worse? Staying and being this monster(I am aware of it and try to control it as much as possible, but the damage has been done) or leave, accept that I can still find happiness and be the person that I am. Ultimately, at some point I will leave. Yes it will hurt, yes there will be sadness, but as long as you are honest with yourself, your wife and your children you can still have a healthy, thriving relationship. I will be honest, after almost a year it is still tough, but I know that it was the right choice to come out to her. And she has been amazingly supportive during it all. Our relationship, while it has become more platonic is much more open and expressive than it has been for the past couple years. Sorry for writing a novel, but just wanted to share my story with you. Congrats on coming out to your friend. I am currently out to 4 people including my wife, my in-laws and my best friend. Oddly enough, while I always expect the worst, they have all been nothing but loving and accepting. They of course have their questions, but that is to be expected. Good luck on your journey.