Hi everyone! New fella here and just want to post my story of what has been the most crazy, scary and down-right confusing time in my life. I look forward to discussing whatever arises. Thanks a thousand and love and light to all y'all. I'm in my mid-thirties and in the past I've only dated women, and I've had a few long term relationships. I was never one to go running after women and having gone to a same sex school in both elementary and high school I didn't have much interaction with the opposite sex. I've always been quite nervous around approaching women and this would be one of the main reasons that I never really pursued them, unless I met them through a mutual friend, but I would never have the courage to go and pursue them in a nightclub or bar, that would scare the crap out of me. I always became drawn to women once I got to know them a little and it was then that I would become more and more attracted. Then a couple of years ago, I was at a festival and myself and my then girlfriend were back at our tent and this young guy came up to us and we got talking. Suddenly after a few minutes of talking to him I noticed a real strong attraction toward him. It was a very strong feeling and something that I had never experienced before with a guy and I was very much taken aback the whole thing. I remember feeling so guilty and lonely as I looked at my girlfriend, it was all extremely strange and I remember feeling a huge sense of lonliness and sadness at the time. I decided to myself that it was all ok and I'd keep it to myself for the time-being, run with it and see where it goes over the coming weeks and months. The feelings for men got stronger and weren't going anywhere, it was really tough and after a few months I decided that I wasn't going to work this one out in my head and that exploration was the only way to go. So I had to let my girlfriend go, which was an absolute nightmare and still to this very day haunts me as there was so much there between us. But the noise was so much Thankfully, I have some gay friends and I went out with them on several occasions to explore these newfound strong feelings towards men. It didn't quite work out the way I had envisaged and initially I found that I just wasn't comfortable with my same-sex attractions and I was too afraid to act on them. I then decided to try some of the apps. I met a few guys and I had a couple of hook-ups, which I found to be a little underwhelming. I have met with a few different guys and still I haven't found someone that has given that strong chemistry to really get some clarity on where all this is going but I am continuing as best I can to keep exploring. It's been one hell of a scary journey so far but what's ya gonna do. I'm a very open, honest dude and I had to be honest with myself and that's what I have chosen to do. :icon_conf
Congratulations! It sounds like you are indeed "on the move." Interesting that a chance meeting could have such a dramatic impact. In regard to your girlfriend, it seems to me that if you haven't already done so, you might consider coming out to her, now or in the future. I wouldn't be surprised if knowing the full story, she didn't become one of your strongest supporters. Sorry the apps haven't worked out too well so far, but with your positive attitude, I'm sure you're going to find a guy that gives you butterflies — probably sooner rather than later.
I just posted on another thread regarding my thoughts on overcoming fear and learning to explore your sexuality. The post is #21 in this thread.
Thanks Weston, that chance meeting has turned my world upside down and it has been far from easy but hopefully clarity will come at some stage. I told my girlfriend a few months after that chance meeting the whole story and we continued to date for a time after but as I said in my previous post that I wasn't going to figure it out in my head so I had to go and explore to try and get some clarity. Thanks for that Patrick, the information you give is excellent and I note that you mention in you 'mindfulness' which is something that I have been practicing for a time now and to be honest, I don't know where I would be if I wasn't practicing it!
Sorry Patrick but I only saw your wall post there now. Ask me anything you like about mindfulness and I'll try and answer as best I can. ---------- Post added 10th Dec 2016 at 04:33 PM ---------- By the way, I can't post to my wall as I don't have enough posts, that's why I am posting about it here.
No worries OnTheMove. Thanks for allowing me to continue the conversation here. I've been adopting mindfulness to deal with depression and some post-traumatic stress over a violent event that took place at my condo building three years ago. A very mentally ill man (a paranoid schizophrenic I suspect, technically) was making increasingly specific threats against us and eventually there was a police standoff and he was shot and killed. I was enormously grateful to have survived, and I thought my only task was to go back to living. Over the last few years I've become more anxious and dark, and with a professional we've diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder from the incident. I took leave from work and did a workshop series on mindfulness on the advice of a therapist. That's a lot of background I know, but it's my context for doing mindfulness and I still need to acknowledge and accept what happened. I think my resistance to being present in the moment has been to avoid that. I also realize that your reasons for doing mindfulness may be very personal, so please let me know if I ask anything that you don't want to share. What forms of mindfulness are you doing? Do you do formal sitting meditation, guided meditation, or something else? What do you want to get out of mindfulness? Are you finding success relative to those goals? Is it becoming easier as you get into the habit? How is your quest to explore your sexuality? Regarding the post that I wrote, I've also found that mindfulness has helped me identify my feelings in a relationship. I normally consider myself fairly conversant with my emotions and inner experience, but I've also found that I'm very good at blocking things that I don't want to feel. I realized that I've had shame (from growing up in a homophobic family) and anxiety during sex, and I've approached this with being mindful during sex. I referred you to that post because I would think that someone who is exploring their sexual orientation may have a lot of noise in the background that could interfere with what the body, mind, and spirit are trying to say (or ask for) sexually. What are your thoughts? Thanks and warm hugs, Patrick
Also, I have a few more thoughts on your original post: I hope you're allowing yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. At the outing a few months ago you mentioned looking at your girlfriend with a feeling of loneliness and guilt after realizing the feelings you had just discovered for the guy you had just met. As you're probably aware from mindfulness, thoughts and emotions pass like the weather, and we are much greater than either thoughts or emotions. You simply had a storm in your heart that was beyond your control - and why try to control something like that anyway? You've probably moved on since then, but I just wanted to acknowledge that this likely would have been unsettling for anyone, and that you don't need to judge. Letting your girlfriend know that you needed to answer this question shows your respect and integrity. Second, your initial experience would have been impactful to be sure, but not conclusive. I think that men are much more bisexual and bi-romantic than we understand or acknowledge, and that a beautiful experience such as yours simply falls outside our conventional expectations of how sexuality looks in our daily lives. That strong connection might have come from the way he reminded you of a close male from your past, or he might have looked like someone you especially admire or want to be like, or his personality may have just reassured you in some deep way. In my opinion all of these are components of attraction, and are valid (if partial) signals of romantic chemistry - but, they're only partial. Third, someone else has posted here that their sexual exploration with men has been "good" but not "great". I think it takes time, patience, and a holistic look at a complex issue to know what's there. I strongly believe that your sexuality has a mind-body-spirit interaction, and it will take some patient self inquiry. Hopping into the sack with that hot guy is the perfect time to be mindful! *grin* Patrick
That is an awful lot to deal with Patrick, I hope that you will find some peace at some stage. I practice vipassana meditation. I initially learned it through an app on my phone (not sure if I can name it on here?!), which was guided meditations and that really helped me learn the technique, but after doing it for some time I switched to just using a timer and doing it silently. I try and formally sit as much as I can for about 20 minutes or so and then informally I would practice mindfulness throughout the day. It all sounds simple, but obviously, as you are probably aware, it is difficult to execute. I also did an 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course which I found great. I suppose the main goal that I have with practicing mindfulness is peace of mind. If I have can cultivate a quieter more malable mind, then I can look at the madness that is life with equanimity, compassion and understanding, instead of the more reactive mode of dealing with what life throws at us and in turn running away from, instead of leaning into the difficulties that inevitably arise. I don't think that it becomes easier as such, you could have a wonderful experience one day and then the next it might be like pulling teeth, but neither meditation is better or worse than the other. The fact that you take the time to sit undisturbed and watch what your mind and body throw at you is a radical act. Jon Kabat-Zinn describes it well -“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” I gotta run. I'll post more later.
