Two small things happened over the last couple of days but I really feel good about them. First, although I have accepted myself I couldn't seem to be attracted to men in the real world. I kept looking at women. A couple of months ago I went to a 5K and was thinking "oh i'll get to check out hot guys' but I found myself looking at the women (as I did before I came out). Sometimes a really pretty woman excites me but its not sexual. Though I totally accept myself as gay I couldn't figure out why this was happening. Anyway, today, when I was coming home from work, I unconsciously found myself checking out a guy and thinking "he's hot" and i found myself getting.. let's just say.. excited . Then I realized.. I am FINALLY looking at guys in public unconsciously and naturally! (!) I was worried for awhile why this didn't happen but after accepting myself but I guess it just took time to for my unconscious mind to adapt. This may seem like a small thing but it was the last lingering thing that made me wonder.... Second, although I have been online dating, flirting and chatting and have been to a couple of gay bars, I was hesitant to tell some friends... but it's hard to explain but recently I have felt so happy about being gay I just blurted it out. I wasn't planning on it but I feel happy about proud about this beautiful part of myself. They were very accepting...(a hetero couple) they both hugged me and I started crying...tears of happiness.. I am finally living how I should be.
thanks Adray.. I was really holding off on the coming out to friends...but I think that was holding me back in the real world too.. after all what if they see me coming out of a gay bar? I really wasn't planning to say it but now I am so glad I did..I feel so FREE! it's kind of addictive because I want to come out to some more friends
this is the key. FREE, it takes the weight you didnt know you were carrying. and yes it is addictive, that feeling is like nothing else. keep going, ever forward!(*hug*)
Thanks! Yes it was a weight.. I know not all people will accept it but with this couple I am very close with and now I feel like we're a lot closer that I can be honest with them. I knew I was going to come out to them eventually, the first development had me more worried, but now I realize just how much my suppression clouded my thinking and subconscious. I just feel so giddy I love checking out guys (!) I am kidding but also serious.... for years I looked at women and thought 'oh she's hot' and would go home and try to 'get off' thinking about her so I could prove I wasn't gay (I wasn't consciously thinking that but that's what i was doing") All the time I was thinking why don't I get turned on... but tonight I felt 'oh.. this is what it feels like when you see someone you think is hot "!
I was just thinking about this today, I never made it a big priority to come out to people, I thought it would be better to get fully 'gay' first.. after all what if I was "wrong"? So it was probably a subconscious doubt, even after coming out to myself. But after telling my friends I was gay I wasn't prepared for this new rush of emotion almost as strong as the day I came here and typed "I think I am gay".... Whether I did it because I no longer have doubt or doing it made the doubt go away, I can't exactly explain but today I just feel so much more.. gay... The best way I can describe it is this incredibly happy feeling and all at once any question or doubt I had (some of which I just said I'd put aside for now) were answered, and any memory I looked back on I saw in a new light.
Thanks. I am beginning to realize they are kind of big steps Today I just feel fully gay ..that I am never going to doubt or question in some ways I am realizing it is almost as important as coming out to myself. I still have people to come out to, but I am out.
It's a wonderful feeling isn't it! It seems as if you have finally given yourself permission to be who you are!
findingjoy.... Congratulations! It's so great to hear that something good has happen to you...to anyone of our "family" here on EC. When one of us makes progress, is encouraged and happy, we all are....David
Thanks I read your post, I forget that you and others further along in this went through the same thing! It wasn't that easy for me but I think that's what's happening... The rest of your post is just beautiful. I want these things too. And you're right about them being suppressed. Before I came out, I was lonely but thought that I was just 'a loner' I had girlfriends and slept with them but never felt close. But now I realize, before I came out I never dreamed or imagined kissing a woman or just snuggling in bed. When I finally came out, as you say the natural inclinations came out and just the thought of being with a man in this way makes me realize I need this sort of intimacy and it can only be expressed with another man. I never dreamed about looking into a woman's eyes and saying "I love you" -though I did that many times. .. But i read your post : my heart flutters. yet all this was hidden even from me, for years..
