Early this morning I was going through my regular morning routine having coffee and, amongst other things, catching up reading online news across the LGBT universe. I have a multitude of web sites I check daily - Pink News, Towleroad, Gay Star News, LGBTQ Nation, Facebook, etc etc etc. As I was reading various events I felt overwhelmed by a deep emotional ping of shame and internalized homophobia. i was able to quickly recognize it, rationalize it, and put them in their place. Thereafter continue with my morning routine. The trigger seems to be whenever I come across media that reflects what I consider to be "Gay Purgatory" (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/230939-gay-purgatory.html) or lost LGBT souls - being exposed to those that remain in a perpetual state of low self esteem, low self worth and lack of confidence; and how it reminds me of my own struggles that I had to work through. Now, I always say that managing Shame and Internalized Homophobia will be a life long endeavor. And this mornings recognition and management certainly reflect that. To this end, I am grateful that i have learned to recognize the emotions, understand them, identify what the triggers are, and rationalize them so as not to allow the emotions to continue. Its not a full cure, but it seems to be as good a place to be as I can be. Onward and upward!
Yes! Onward and upward I had a momentary flash of internalised homophobia/shame recently. It's been a long time since I've felt anything like it. It's encouraging to see that, even though it might happen when you feel so far in your journey, we can overcome it in the moment, the way you're saying here. It's a lifelong journey.
I still get little pangs of self editing and "don't do that behavior" but I just say "F" that.... all part of the ongoing self talk. one thing I realized a few years ago, the difference between guilt and shame. guilt is internal such as feeling guilty for not living up to expectations of family, or society or even the expectations that we put on ourselves. shame is external, like when family, society etc. put it on us for not meeting their expectations or standards. im learning to set my own standards for me and yes it is a life long journey because standards change to meet the new world we are building for ourselves.
I have accepted myself, but the shame and internalized homophobia are still there- like others have said it comes up in flashes. But I think about how I was living before acceptance- a dull feeling of being disconnected from the rest of the world, and having no real hope of intimacy or really experiencing sensuality, sexual enjoyment or romantic love.
