Should I tell my husband our daughter told me she might be gay?

Hey there . I think it's so great, and you're being such a good parent by respecting her privacy and being there for her.

This isn't my exact situation, as my father isn't present in my life. However, I have a very close, tight-knit family. My mom is the only one in my family who knows my orientation; I haven't come out to anyone else (in my family - my friends know) yet.

So with that said, even if it's hard, I really think you should continue to respect your daughter's wishes and keep this between the two of you for right now. I would think of it as, this isn't hurting anyone, doesn't have anything to do with your marriage, and though I can only imagine how hard it is not to tell a significant other such a huge secret, remember that it's not your secret to tell.

If my mom ever told anyone in my family, without my permission, I wouldn't never speak to her again, but I'd probably keep things to myself when it comes to anything big -- which is on the low end. Before any of that, I'd feel attacked, betrayed, too vulnerable, and pretty damn furious -- and I'm in my mid twenties. I think it would be much worse for your daughter, as she is still young, processing feelings, and just starting to go into a tough age. Twelve is the age when secrets and hard times start for a teen. I think that if you keep this secret until she's completely sure and ready to come out, you will have a serious leg up when it comes to trust. She was comfortable enough to come to you with something as big and scary as realizing that she might be gay - that's really amazing! It shows that you're not only a parent, but friend and confidant to her.

You have someone you can talk to about this, so continue doing that. Don't feel guilty that you're keeping a secret from your husband, because again, it's not harmful, and it's not yours. She isn't unsafe, because you know and can be there for her. Continue to do that. It's so, so amazing.

Also, if it's really bothering you and you're wondering how she would feel - talk to her about it. I know she's young, but she seems mature for her age. Tell her that you haven't, but want to know how she would feel if you told her dad. If she says no/freaks out, then don't. Give her as much respect as she's giving you by being so open.

Keep being an awesome mom!

 

I'm going to second Yeahpidk. You have been trusted with a secret and there are no compelling reasons for you to break that trust. I told my mom about my depression and asked her to keep it secret. She couldn't keep her mouth shut longer than a week and she even told some random friends of her while mys sister was in the room. She has lost my trust and I never tell her anything that I don't want to be public information.

 

I'm so happy to see supportive parents out there

Well, I just think you should respect her wishes- you could offer to tell her dad, but don't do it if she is against the idea. If she's not wanting you to tell her dad and you do, it can be a really upsetting experience to her because coming out doesn't feel good unless you're ready.

 

Supportivemom –

The only person in my family that knows I’m gay is my mom – and she knows because I shared it with her. In coming out to her, I specifically requested that she not tell my dad.

While my mom and I have always been very close, my dad and I have always been a little more distant. He is far more religious and, in my view, far more likely to respond with a negative reaction. I intend on telling him someday on my own terms, but not until I’ve explored it more myself and feel ready.

Were I to find out that my mom told him, I would feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. It would be as if the one person I’ve always thought I could trust with anything had suddenly gone away. It would by no means destroy our relationship, but the relationship would undoubtedly change. I don’t think I’d ever be able to confide my deepest thoughts with her again.

If you’re intent on telling your husband, I would suggest that you first gain permission from your daughter. You’ve laid out some pretty good reasons why it might make a lot of sense for you to tell your husband – namely that it would lessen the shock a bit if it came from you. Share those reasons and concerns with your daughter – see if you can win her over to your perspective. I guarantee she would appreciate the fact that you are on her side and are collaborating with her.

 

Hi supportivemom

While I fully agree that you should not betray your daughters trust, I can also see why you would "like to get in first" with the news.

The only solution that I can think of is to ask your daughter if you could have her permission to tell her father "IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THE RIGHT OPPORTUNITY CAME ALONG".If you add the opportunity part and explain that you may just see the right time it may just take the pressure off of her,plus she will never know if the "right time" has come until you tell her.

 

Hey Supportivemom! First off, thanks for being such a supportive mom! That's an invaluable trait to have in a parent.

I just wanna second what everybody else said, and throw my own experience out there. I had a very big, very scary secret when I was younger - not my sexuality, but still extremely personal - and I told my mom about it. I trusted her more than anyone. We sort of swore each other to secrecy, but it felt good to get it off my chest...

Fast forward a few years later, and I found out from my cousin that my mom had told at least three people, and who knows how many THEY told. I was so shocked and hurt and betrayed, because it was my secret to tell, and she told it, meanwhile I was expected not to tell anybody. I don't know if I've ever been so heartbroken in my life, because I had loved and trusted her beyond all others with my deepest vulnerabilities...

So even though your intentions are absolutely good and your heart's in the right place, I've got to second those who say to wait til she gives permission. She is trusting you with so much, and that trust will be rewarded again and again if you keep it sacred. She'll know that she can come to you and trust you with anything! That's priceless!

 

Supportivemom,
I am in the exact boat that you are in. My 21 year old Son confided only to me when he was home from a College break. He knows that I am a listener and although I have to admit that I cried for days, I never once let on to my husband or anyone else. My Son is saying he is Bi-sexual. He did have a girlfriend in the past and now has a involved relationship with a Male. I will not tell my husband. My Son asked me not to and when the time is right (could be years), he will be the one to tell.
I love him no matter what!! I just worry that others are not so kind. The first thing he said to me is that this news doesn't change who he has always been and I know that.
I just felt blindsided by this sudden news. I asked a few questions and he answered them all. I turned to this forum just to have others to speak to. As others have said, the truest your daughter has in you is Priceless!

 

A huge hug to all of the supportive moms and dads!
Thanks for being so awesome!
(*hug*)

 

You are so welcome .

I think you are making the best decision for her and yourself. Others have continued to give great insight on this. Please come back here whenever you are feeling overwhelmed with these thoughts, and know that everything is fine. Treat it as if she told you she has a crush on someone, because that's really all it is. You wouldn't feel so anxious if she said that, would you? I know you're just worried about the outside world, but as long as YOU love and support her, she will be just fine - in fact, she'll probably be great. There's nothing that blooms a soul more than love. Just keep parenting her as you normally would. And remember, she can still have everything in this world that you envision for her. That's something I think my mom got scared of - she wants grandkids and this and that. I fully intend on having grandkids for her! It just might be with a lovely lady .

I wish you peace as well. Feel free to write on my wall if you ever need to - it's more direct.

 

1) Is your husband a murderous psycho?
2) Do you think that some parenting coach should be more involved in your daughters life than her father?
3) Would you feel hurt if she hadn't told you, but you found on your own? Finding out your child kept a secret from you isn't exactly the nicest thing ever. And if you couple it with the fact that your child collaborated with it's other parent, how would you feel? I'd definetly ask myself "What kind of family am I in?" in that situation and the answer would be obvious - not a very trusting one.
4) When you get married to someone, or decide to live together and have kids, isn't the main idea for the two of you to be together through good and bad? And that coupled with the love for your child, how is it not as strong as the promise you gave an eleven year old?
5) Wouldn't it be better for him to react nicely to her coming out, because he knew, rather than doing something bad, since he wouldn't be prepared?

P.S. I find it bad to keep fathers(usually the case) out of their children's life. They are the key element to the whole coming out process, imo, since their reaction is what kids fear the most. That's where you come in, prepare him beforehand and explain to him the whole situation. If the answer to question 1) is somewhere near "Yes", then I understand your desire for advice. If it's nowhere near "Yes" then why not tell him? You married the guy, you should know! We can't really give you any good advice without knowing how/what your husband thinks and how he would react. I see people telling you to keep him in the dark, cuz it's the safest way, but that's a bit douchebaggy imo.

 

Supportivemom. Please do not listen to this advice. It is rooted in irrational fear, and I imagine it is the kind of fear that makes you want to tell besides your own overwhelmed feelings from holding in this secret.

You would not be untrustworthy and keeping "secrets" from your husband by choosing to respect your daughter's wishes to not tell people until she is ready. From a child who told their mother, perspective - I will tell you that I did it because she is who I am closest to, my protector (as I'm sure you are for your daughter), and I am not entirely sure what my life will be like. I don't 100% know if I will end up with a woman, or if I'll end up with a man. I told her because I was scared of my feelings, scared to hold them inside, and worried about how she would feel. Knowing that she would still love me, which is most likely the root cause of why your daughter said anything to you (though it could merely have been because she is confused, questioning, and young), is the only thing that mattered to me. That makes me feel strong enough, when the time is right, to come out to others. Knowing that my mom, the one person in the world I trust with my life loves me no matter what makes me feel safe.

If your husband has half a brain and is kind, which you've said he is, then he will understand. Would he not do the same for her if it was the other way around? A family member of mine who I am very close with had something horrific happen to her. When I learned of it, and that there were others who knew before me, I was hurt -- but I understood that it was for self protection. Your husband will understand that. I would also like to reiterate how NOT big of a deal this is. She's not trying to kill herself or anyone else (hopefully :lol. She simply BELIEVES that she might like girls romantically over boys. I PROMISE you. It is so not a big deal!! Not in the overall scheme of life. She is also extremely young and has years to realize what she likes and come out as such. You are not plotting against your husband.

I'm sure you already know this.

 

I'm 32 my mum knows but not my dad if she told him yet I'd stop all communication with her and move out the coming out process is on my terms what ever the age its still frightening, if someone I thought I trusted told him something then I'd never ever trust them again....just think this way what if you told him and he got violent against your daughter what would you think? You say you know him and want him to greave but what if it turns into anger what would you do.
I know my father isn't a violent sort but if he was to find out something as big as this then I don't know his reaction I don't know if he'd be violent as its his life thoughts being changed.............. Don't do it

 

If she doesn't want dad to know it's because she's not ready. When she is, she can tell him, and you can protect her by supporting her through it. Until then, she trusted you with this secret. I did the same thing. My mom knows I'm gay, but my dad doesn't, because I asked my mom not to tell. If I were to learn that she told him, she would lose my trust.

 

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hi there supportivemom
just imagine im your kid and you blew the secret ive entrusted to you here what i will do

ill shut you down
i dont crare about whatever reason/s why you did it, ill will just hate you
if you talk to me, you will just hear "yeah whatever"
im not a rebellious, but you will see it
instead of spending time eating with you on the table ill lock myself in my room
id prefer having time with my friends than spending time with you

those are only few things that will or might happen. just for now let it be. who knows she might be straight.

 

It's not necessarily the same as it was for me, but I came out to my mom and sister and my mom didn't handle it very well. Nevertheless, she acknowledged the fact that I'm who I am. Even though she isn't supportive, she knows that I can and will choose my own path. We both agreed not to tell my dad, as he is very conservative and violent at times. The main point of my post is, let her decide when and if she wants to tell him. Unless she has specifically asked you to tell him or has said that it's okay to tell him, I would advise against outing her. Perhaps you should ask her what her wishes are. If it's possible, sit down in private and talk to her. After all, the best person to talk to would be your daughter in this situation. Talk to her. And if that doesn't work, just keep quiet about it. Your daughter is questioning at the moment. It's important to just let her find out on her own. Allow her to have control over her own situation. It's probably best to just let her do her thing and allow her to make her own decisions. It is part of growing up. But, the best person to answer your questions would be your daughter. You should obey her wishes and shouldn't interfere in this type of situation. If she wants her father to know, she'll tell him on her own or will allow you to talk to him. Be careful not to force her though, pushing her into coming out is definitely not going to help. Try to be calm and relaxed and hear her out. It's probably best to let her question and experiment, then let her decide whether she should tell him or not. Remember: The decision to come out is her's, not yours. If you want to be supportive, you should listen and not allow emotions to cloud your judgement. You, and her father, may not necessarily be happy about it, however you should take a logical and reasonable approach to this. Depending how her father is, it may be best for her to stay in the closet for now. You should tread carefully. Both to avoid eroding her trust, and to prevent a possible bad outcome. But it is her life, and her decision. And, you've got to realize, as you feel pain and confusion, she most certainly does as well. Remember that this is about her, and her decisions and choices. It's up to her to choose her path, hat she wishes to be done, and how she wishes to do it. You should still be a parent, but it's essential to not disturb her during the questioning process. You must not interfere. You must cooperate with her and be there for her. The most important person in all this is your daughter. Let her question, explore, and experiment while you're there to guide, and assist her in her struggles throughout life. That's the whole point of parenting, is it not? For the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship and family life, you must be supportive and cooperative. As I told my mom, "It's like a bus, or a train. It pulls into the station, and you get on while you can. There will not be another one." You must be there to hold her hand, be a shoulder to cry on, be there as a friend and as a parent. A lot of my response tackles your main question, and how you should support her through this. And trust me, puberty is going to be "fun" while she is questioning. It is imperative that you continue being there for her, continue being her parent. Losing you would be devastating to her. You're her mother, you must not lose track of or underestimate your power in her life. I may come across as a bit harsh, but I speak the truth. Overall, this is something that you should treat with caution. My parents and my sister aren't there. I have no one there for me outside the internet. Imagine what it would be like if this happened to your daughter. You may not like it, but you have to be supportive. You must be careful not to step on a landmine while taking a stroll through the park. All in all, be well and best wishes. <3

 

this one has a different story but you might find it useful.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/parents-family-members-lgbt-people/203693-some-advice-parents-gay-kid-gay-kid.html