ok so i posted here about 2 mos ago and got some pretty nice responses from you guys. they sort of summed up what i thought i am going through right now.. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...-could-use-some-help-those-who-know-best.html theres the link if youd like to take a look at it again. anyways i recently moved back to school and varying levels of anxiety and stress have already begun. school, class, homework, internship, jobs and this sort of "problem" i am having have all merged together to form a constant state of feeling like crap. i test myself almost daily..from the moment i wake up, to the moment i fall asleep. for instance, this morning i woke up and was feeling like i needed some sort of reassurance. so i looked at "good looking guys" on google images. flipped through, mostly just guys with their shirts off and i got nothing. no erection, no arousal, nothing. next i typed in "good looking women" on google images and found that i was getting slightly aroused, though not fully. but that wasnt reassurance enough for me..so then i had to try porn. so i'd look at gay porn to see if i could get an erection and i got nothing..maybe a slight tingle which then eventually turned into nothing. i then switched to anything with a women in it and BOOM, I'm hard just looking at the thumbnails. Okay, so that should be enough right ? No - i think to myself, the final test needs to be more personal..fantasizing about friends. because to me that seems more personal and real to life than any pornography or celebrity google images could ever be..and thus the results were the same. i imagined myself performing sexual acts on male friends and there was nothing. ill switch to a girl in which i think i have a small crush on. i imagine me doing sexual things to her and her doing sexual things to me and im hard in seconds. -- THATS THE OBJECTIVE PART -- i do this almost every day..other times ill be looking on forums like this one and others as well. ive always felt straight. have always felt a connection with women and have always wanted a wife in the future. i can't remember a time when i "crushed" on a guy. i cant even get an erection imagining being with one so its confusing to me why im in this EXTREMELY anxious and OCD esque state. ive been doing this almost everyday now for almost 2 weeks. (i dont always check with gay porn because idk, i dont like doing it. i dont like watching it at all and i have to really really be anxious to need to reassure myself by watching it...but the other two, almost every day, maybe every other) i believe it has a lot to do with the fact that i have not had a serious relationship yet in my life. ive had middle school stuff with girls but i cant count that. and because i have not had a serious relationship with a girl, have been rejected many times in my life by girls whom i really REALLY liked, and have sometimes feel like my younger brother is much more responsible and a role model than i am. he has also had a serious relationship when he was in high school and i think that got to me a little. -- THATS THE SUBJECTIVE PART -- some of you guys might feel like maybe i am forcing myself because of society's standard. but i think thats far from it. i really want to be with a girl and marry the right one. i don't care what society says. thats always sort of been what i wanted. i remember wanting something like a "corey and topanga" when i was younger. and i never felt weird about it, i just wanted it. it made me happy to think about that. well anyways, i am here now just not sure what my problem is. i feel like i have all the evidence in the world that says im straight and into women but what i think to be OCD, wont let me believe that. maybe slight depression, zero confidence and low self esteem don't help either..i really think i am psychologically messed up but idk, does this sound like denial to you ?
It seems like maybe you're on the straight side of things - maybe bi-leaning-straight, maybe straight-with-only-a-bit-of-bi there. Why not just run with that for now? If you can't, if you can't stop checking and double-checking and wondering, I'd say it'd be time to get some outside help. Lex
thanks guys i just cant see myself with a man long term. its not me. not to say i am against, because i am not. but it just doesn't seem to be me. just curious though, why would you say i have a bit of bi in me ? not against it, just curious as to what makes you think I'm part bi?
