Hello guys! I hope everyone is having a fantastic week I posted on here a few months ago and have had quite a few ups and downs since then. There have been several stretches in which I though I've had myself figured out, but I've also had tons more inner turmoil and confusion. I'm going to just kinda vomit on this page, and hope that someone has some solid advise for me Basically, I came out as bisexual last November and it was an incredibly rewarding process. All my best friends were totally supportive and I felt relieved to be acting like myself for the first time in my life. It was grand. I kinda starting doubting the bisexual label once I started letting myself "look" at guys. So a few months later I revised it to "gay" and started telling people that's what I was. The instant I slapped that label on myself though (and a little prior) I just began breaking down in confusion and despair. Basically, I doubt myself. I doubt myself at every turn. Why? Who the hell knows. Am I sexually attracted to women? No, or very very very rarely. Not much there at all. Am I sexually attracted to men? Definitely at times, but I doubt myself. I have trouble on two fronts: (1) I can't see myself in a lifelong relationship with a man. I suppose this has to do with internal homophobia and years of suppressing / hating myself. Even when good guys flirt with me / might be interested, I immediately get afraid. (2) My attraction for me seems to be very...narrow. I find lots of guys my age and my build attractive (young - mid 20s, very slender, etc.) but I fail to see anyone else outside that category attractive. When I see older gay couples together, I sometimes cringe. I don't see how I could exist in such a relationship. With such narrow parameters for attraction, how can I be thoroughly homosexual? I don't feel asexual, however, because I have a genuine craving for sex...but just...I don't even know. I feel like I've been in this coming out process for like...ages...and its just so absurdly frustrating. I am out to everyone except my family, and everyone is so supportive...gah...why is this so difficult? Please don't hesitate to offer any quality of advise. I'm pretty desperate for anything. Best answer gets my eternal friendship and adoration. :lol:
I did the exact same thing when I was 21/22, came out as bi and then soon after as gay. Exact same reason/mindset as well (letting myself look at guys etc..). Then followed by doubt and regret. I'm not going to recommend that you do the same thing that I did, but I'll tell you what I did and the reasons for them (which made sense at the time). The following time of my life allowed me to be my true self, open myself up to relationships and definitely made me more accepting of people that I used to see as "creepy" or "cringeworthy". Soon after coming out as gay, I started to feel sort of trapped, confined and bored in my current home, social and work life. One day I impulsively organised my passport and researched a few options for living/working elsewhere. I ended up spending two years living in London and travelling around Europe. More than the eye opening sights and experiences - I think it was more the fact that I didn't have to answer to anyone, no one I met judged me based on my past, I could be and do whatever I wanted. Also, encountering dozens of other cultures and languages made me realise how awesome diversity is. Many of the the experiences made me realise how small and insignificant my life and my problems were in the whole scheme of things and many social situations completely blew my mind. You probably don't have to leave the country to do all of this - maybe just a different city, or a holiday/vacation. You don't need to change yourself or who you're attracted to, just open your mind. Peace! (*hug*)
You are definitely not alone in this. I've been questioning and doubting myself for months as well, but I've managed to stop doubting myself as much. What really helped me was just journaling out my doubt and asking myself what I am afraid of. I just kept asking myself 'why' until I got to a very root and basic fear. My root fear was a fear uncertainty and being wrong, so I worked to accept that its ok to be uncertain, and realize that being wrong allows room for growth. And after a few weeks of this I've become more accepting of myself. Its a process though. These things take time. In regards to (1): I struggle with this as well, but for me its more related to breaking down stereotypes. It takes time to break down internalized homophobia and stereotypes. (I'm still struggling to understand that it not an spontaneous act where the stereotype wall crumbles to the ground.) Years of believing stereotypes society that society has created about both the LGBT+ community and relationships takes time, patience, and acceptance to overcome. Its also a struggle to overcome these fears and stereotypes when you encounter them in daily life. My guess is that exposing yourself more to the LGBT+ community might help you overcome some of your fears, maybe see if there is a school/ church/ community club or group in your area. Being here on EC is already good step For number (2): You're attracted to who you are attracted to. I seem to have pretty narrow attraction as well (to women), so you're not alone there. I'm only really attracted to girls my age or a few years older with a similar body type. I would say no matter how narrow your parameters for attraction, if you are predominately attracted to men, 5 or 6 Kinsey, its fine to identify as gay. Of course only you can decide your orientation; and if you feel like your level of sexual attraction is very low, you could look into asexuality. AVEN's a great resource. Also, just a side note romantic attraction and sexual attraction are separate, and not necessarily the same. I don't know if this will be helpful with your understanding, but maybe. I guess overall these things take time, and my hope and assumption is that once anyone struggling with this issue is in a long term relationship with a compatible partner of the same gender, then maybe that will help to break down some of the stereotypes, doubts, and fears about the LGBTQIA and make it easier to envision a happy future relationship with a person we love. Anyways I hope this is of some help (*hug*)
Thanks for your replies, guys. I really appreciate the advise, the stories, and the hugs I just dunno if I will ever be capable of experiencing a relationship with anyone :/
I am also feeling this way. I just wasn't sure how to word it. Reading this discussion has helped me put my thoughts together. What I've been dying to know is how can I get comfortable with my sexuality. I understand it takes time but I am not happy living in a state where I can't fully accept/understand myself.
Well but you do want to be in a relationship, right? Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with a girl? If you can, you may be heteroromantic but homosexual, rare but happens. If you cannot, yet you desire a relationship, it may well be internalized homophobia. If you do not want a relationship with anyone you may be aromantic. If it is internalized homophobia, maybe try watching some movies/shows which feature gay relationships, because exposure to it can help seeing it as more normal, as something that is actually an option. While watching, try to put yourself in the role of the characters. How does that feel? Does it make you happy? Does it make you cringe? Does it feel wrong? It takes a while for many people to become comfortable with the thought of having a relationship or even marrying someone of the same gender, because they weren't exposed to it when they were young and thus it simply seems odd.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you replying. Like, I feel a little better just knowing I'm not alone. I guess I thought after nine months I would be over this stuff, but I guess I have a little longer to go. I am absolutely not sexually or emotionally attracted to girls as anything other than friends, and I do have a sex drive...so idk. I think part of my problem is that I spent so much of my early life trying to convince myself I was straight, and now I feel like I have to keep convincing myself I am gay. I dunno, I guess it just takes time? I just feel destined to be #foreveralone
I was with my friend yesterday in my car driving. He said "Wow look at that milf" I replied with "I don't understand why you want to stick your penis in that?" Him, "a vagina", "no, hers specifically, I mean babies have come out of there." he replied with "why do you like penis? Piss comes out of it." I said, "I don't know, I've just always found the penis to be fascinating." A bit weird conversation but it helped ease me a bit. Maybe something that will help ease you too. We are in this together. (*hug*)
