A Paradox???

It sounds like you while you have realized that you are gay, you have yet to accept it. There really is noting wrong with being LGBTQ. I don't think there is anything wrong with you for thinking like that, it can take a long time to accept who you are. It can help to go stand in front of a mirror and say to your self aloud "I am gay... And that's ok." I know it might sound kind of silly, but it really does help.

Do you really want to stay single your whole life rather than be true to yourself? That sounds like an unhealthy and stressful option.

 

Nah, not a paradox... Just the inevitable truth. Your self-loathing is completely understandable, but at the same time, try that exercise Grey Wanderer suggested. Doesn't seem like much, but repeating a sentence over and over to yourself is a kind of self-hypnosis/suggestion and also a form of healing. And I'm sure you'll find that a lot of the members on EC have gone through something similar. Get to know some of the members, and maybe your perspective on things might change.

Suppression is not the way to go dude.

 

Thoughts are always ok. And I can easily see a person struggling with "it feels wrong for me to be attracted to someone of the same sex."

But there's a difference between that and "men with men or women with women is simply wrong"...there I hear a censuring of *my* relationship with *my* partner, which is none of your business to censure or accept. We have an extremely healthy and comfortable life, thank you very much...let's keep this about you, ok?

And regarding your desire for pity? In this country, there is a small number of disturbed adults (plus a lot of kids who are scared and weren't taught any better) who would actually engage in violence toward anyone, including LGBT people. If you want pity, there's plenty of it out there for LGBT people...loads of people who want to pray for us. I pity them, that their understanding of love and attraction and what is natural is so poor that they feel it appropriate to pity people in healthy meaningful satisfying relationships. I don't want or need their pity. But if you do, it's there for you.

And *no*...I do not at all wish I was born straight! I love who I am, and who I love. And if you consider me sick because of that, you're welcome to keep that opinion to yourself.

 

Your thought pattern seems to be clouded by community/societal (possibly religious) attitudes. Even though you accept the reality of your feelings you are doing all you can to deny and reject them in response to the prevailing attitudes you have learned throughout your life - that homosexuality is abnormal and sinful.

None of us are not born with the attitude that same sex relationships are inherently wrong or disordered, we learn that attitude and pattern of thinking from people around us and take it on board as though it's fact. Well, it's not fact. Whilst it's difficult to reject ideas that have been drummed into us from childhood, that's what every gay, lesbian and bisexual person must do if they are to achieve happiness. That's what you must do too.

I wish I could say there is an easier way, but there isn't. If you cling on to the idea that you are cursed with this and there is something wrong with you, the happiness you so desire will continue to elude you. It all begins with changing your own mindset.

 

Well, y'know we weren't all raised to be hateful towards certain groups of people. Some of us were taught to love ourselves and one another. If you haven't seen it, you might be interested to note this thread, which asks how comfortable people are with their sexuality. It's not universal, but there are many of us who are quite comfortable and have no desire to be anything other than what we are.

We (humans) *all* have obstacles in life. It's hardly like straight people have it made. They lack some challenges that we have and have some advantages we lack, sure; but we lack some challenges they have and have some advantages they lack. I would never try to speak for everyone, but I consider *myself* as being ahead on balance...I certainly have a happier and more stable relationship than *manymany* straight couples I know.

Are you equally surprised to find that I've never wished I was a man? Are you surprised to meet black people who never wished they were white? People from 3rd world countries who never wished they were from the US? You might wish you had the advantages those things would bring...but the trade-offs often don't make it worthwhile actually wishing for the reality.

 

Been there, done that. It took me years to accept it. You've just got to give it time, and remember to let go of those silly thoughts.

 

I can, like many on here I'm sure, relate to your feeling of this so-called paradox, although I also think it's important to realize that our feelings about our own romantic/sexual orientation can either relate to or differ completely from our feelings about the romantic/sexual orientations of others or in general.

Throughout my teenage years, I was deeply in the closet from others and from myself, constantly battling my feelings for other guys, telling myself it was a phase, and feeling that I myself was disgusting and plagued by these attractions. I even woke up from nightmares many nights in which I was screaming "I'M NOT GAYYY!!" (at myself I think). I finally accepted that these are normal feelings two years ago and I must love myself. I now identify internally as "attracted to men", haven't really gotten to the point of saying I'm gay because I've had no relationships and am still finding my way with these attractions.

But back to your issue, I also sometimes walk around my college campus and have these horrible feelings of disapproval for other LGBTQ individuals I know or see--it's definitely internalized rejection of LGBTQ people (maybe from my parents who spew that stuff at me) but it does feel horrible to want to accept myself and have a happy life with an identity I understand while also somehow fitting into this community of people connected by an "other" orientation or gender. Anyway, I think it's worth thinking about the paradox while maintaining boundaries about views about others' orientations.

 

WOW I can really relate to this. I know that I was attracted to men (boys by then) at the age of like 14-15 but I was embarrased by theese feeling so I tried to push them away. It took me 7 years to finally accept who I am. Even though I still don't tell people that I'm bi (or gay, not sure yet) I know whats attracts me. (&&&)

 

I haven't got any advice but this immediately came to mind when I was reading your posts.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Hmmm...and trees are for climbing or gathering fruits and berries, not for building houses or making pencils, right? Those things aren't natural. No dear, everything humans do is natural...and our creative use of things is simply a sign of our intelligence. In this case, it's not even like humans can lay claim to inventiveness with regard to using the anus for sex...men just tried what they saw lions or other animals in the wild doing to each other 10% of the time...and some found "hey, I like this!". How precisely can you state what an anus "is for"? What is a hand "for"? If you think any part of our bodies that we can access has a single purpose, then you're not as smart as the monkeys who can find other uses for it.

I really feel for you, Joe. You've been handed misinformation since you were too young to question it deeply, and now you're finding that it needs to be questioned. Those are always scary times. But they are survivable times. You may well only get this life to live. If that's the case, don't waste it not living it. Face your fear, question the things that need to be questioned and really think through them...don't simply accept messages that you were given when you were a kid...you're an adult now, and can think for yourself. It's scary...but do it.

 

Homosexuality has been around ever since the start of life on earth. I guess we still don't know completely, the reasons for it. But psychologically, everything is in tact, and physically, everything is in tact. Perhaps there is more prevalence for low confidence and depression, but other than that, everything in a person with homosexual interest is in place and intact.

When I self-loathed, it was interesting to notice the misrepresentation I was holding of someone liking the same sex. I imagined quite a bunch of imagery that I felt I couldn't relate to.

Who says you have to conform to a certain image, just because you like the same sex? You can act any way you want. I prefer acting naturally like myself; a quiet and somewhat shy intellectual, who admires warmth and friendliness.

Besides being LBGTA, what other characteristics do you have that make you an awesome person?

 

Oh, Joe, don't take on so. I wasn't saying you weren't smart. I was making a point about the naturalness of finding alternate uses for things.