Dear friends, so I finally decided to register here to get some advices of you. Sorry for the long story I am 22 years old and started to question my heterosexuality about 10-11 months ago after I broke up with my first serious girlfriend with whom I was together for 1 year. Back then I broke up because of the fact that I didnt have enough feelings anymore...it was kinda hard to accept for her but it wasnt too surprising as we already started to talk about our feelings (and my declining) 2-3 month before. (With her it didn´t work out to have sex for the first 3 times because I got problems when putting on the condom - after that things changed after talking together seriously and we experienced a lot of things together.) Consequently my mood got worse and worse and I couldnt figure out why...after a time - I dont know exactly why it happened - I started to question my heterosexuality. I couldn´t believe that I could be gay as it was totally surprising and unnormal for me as a person to finally change in such a drastic way. I really became kinda depressed and started to read about HOCD and stuff on the internet. I lived on my life but it got more and more difficult for me to be self-conscient and have a normal conversion with other people because I always kept in mind that other people could think that I am gay...an idea with which I didnt want to be identified with. I read that the most important thing is to be able to accept that you could be gay and don´t put so much pressure on yourself - which I decided to do. So in June/July I somehow passed the phase of questioning and got the guts to even talk with my best friend about this experience. That was very relieving and surprisingly he told me that he has been also questioning his heterosexuality once for a short time but not very seriously. We concluded that with our Zeitgeist alot of people somehow come up with this idea of questioning and consequently some discover their homosexuality/bisexuality or live on confidently with their heterosexuality. During the summertime, with a high amount of self-consciousness - I had some affairs with different girls and enjoyed it having sex with two of them. Nothing got serious because I was rather travelling than resting at a specific place for a longer time. I developped deeper feelings for one of the girls but that declined fast as soon as I found out that she is planning to move together with her boyfriend and awaiting a proposal. In September I moved to Lyon to study for a semester her. Here my questioning started again...I found alot of friends but not on a very intimate basis --> again because it started to happen that I was always scared of being identified as a gay. So I think that I possibly behaved unauthentic which could serve as an explanation. I had two affairs with girls. When we tried to have sex I got really horny but when I finally had to put on the condom my erection decreased and wasn´t sufficient enough to penetrate her. This made me questioning alot as I related it to the problems with my ex. (Currently I conclude that it was a lack of trust). Nevertheless I started to accept that I could be gay or bisexual and dont put too much pressure onto me which means that I dont identify anymore as heterosexual but just awaiting the future without a clear identification - somehow things improved and I totally fell in love with a girl with whom I am together now for 3 weeks. We meet everyday - I just feel at home when I am with her to say it like this and I can be totally myself. (to add: we slept together and everything worked out fine) So why am I writing here: Apparently it seems that I have a fear of being judged as a person that I dont feel like to be. It was really strange to me when a girl told me in February at a party that this guy likes me and indicated something that the eyes cant hide anything and reveal the truth. That leads to my problem: I somehow have the feeling that I have to "play" the role of a heterosexual to not be judged/seen by other people for someone who I feel like I am not. This unauthenticity complicates the developpment of real intimate relationships with other people. Next to that I find it more difficult to look into the eyes of a man than into that of a woman...this is the thing that reallys annoys me as I would like to have confidence into all people. To add: Until now I didn´t feel aroused sexually/mentally by a man and dont think it will happen like this in the future BUT I accepted that it could happen in future which is unbelievably reliefing.... Now why is it more difficult for me to have a good conversation with eye-contact with a guy that I dont know than with a girl. Do you think that this could be a sign of a an attraction to men or do you have tips how I could improve my situation? Thanks for your answers & cheers!
I personally wouldn't put much stock in a someone who doesn't know about you or know your life thinking you are "hiding something" about your sexual orientation and your eyes will somehow reveal it, especially when you don't seem to have other reasons for thinking you're attracted to men. I know hearing something like that can set off connections in your mind when you are already thinking about the subject, but in this context it just really doesn't make any sense in my opinion.
Did you tell your girlfriend about your thoughts and attraction to other men? If so, how did she react? I ask to say, that while I understand where you are coming from, don't put that much stock into strangers. You may be bi-curious, I am not sure. Just know you have to do you.
I didn't question my orientation until I broke up with my first girlfriend as well, which was this year. Up to that day I always thought I was straight, and throughout my life never have I thought that I was gay simply because I was just being myself. I didn't feel like I was acting differently either. I did think I was gay because of my excessive porn usage and how I get aroused by older men with specific physiques havin sex. I've watched all types of porn and gay porn has been my go-to porn since I don't think it's disturbing anymore (at least in a video). I webcammed with an older man near my area and it wasn't as good as I thought. So in that sense I think it's very possible for someone to question their orientation after a breakup, cause they think "maybe it didn't work out because I actually don't like the opposite gender."
So guys! I didn´t think that I will come back to write into this forum but here I am as I still have one problem that totally gets on my nerves and I just want to have it beaten or put aside To explain my situation right now: One month ago I moved away from Lyon and my girlfriend stayed there. We stayed together and are skyping almost every day...it´s really perfect! Nevertheless I have a bad consience because I didn´t talk with her about my problem (I´d like to do that when she comes to visit me in March); Now why am I writing here? The problem is: its as difficult as before for me to look into the eyes of guys and also of some girls...that always happens when I think that they think that I could be bi/gay and its fucking annoying; its like an obession about which I can´t stop thinking; hence that always makes it awkward for me in social situations but it differs 1.) One day i identified as bi and walked on the street, I had so much confidence in myself because I didn´t care about the opinion of the others; when doing this it was like before I started questioning...I wasn´t scared to talk to people and I felt like my libido for girls was unbelievably high like I could do whatever I want if i did; it also happens when I just do the things that I planned to do (jogging, studying, cooking) --> I immediately have a high self-confidence and don´t care actually anymore 2.) Then I conclude ok...its clear that I am heterosexual because of this...when this happens it gets again more difficult to have confidence in looking into the eyes of the other Actually I don´t care anymore what I am and I try to tell this myself all the time...nevermind what you are bi/gay/hetero...but than I always come back to the thought that I never felt anyhow sexually/mentally aroused by the same sex and then questioning why the fuck I don´t have enough confidence to look into the eyes of others So my problem: How can I get back my confidence that I had 1 year ago and make friends (thats a problem connected to that lack of confidence) and feel good again? To me: I am an ambitious student with good grades and high goals but always when I come to the point to think about these social situations (I generally tend to think too much) I lose my motivation to fullfil my tasks and things that I planned to do. Thanks for any help, good luck to all
Know that you are not the only one. Well, some practice could help. Here are some thoughts of others that might help with self confidence and making contact: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/168908-flirting-girls.html#5 Is there an lgbt club at your college where you could have some social interactions ? Or you might visit book reading courses... etc...
Look, I am the same age as you, and have even more messed up story. But the point is: just relax. I don't know what sexuality is. I really don't. But I know that the whole point of having a social life, essentially consists of people finding their partners. Someone you'll love and care for. I guess all of us are tired of searching for someone until we decide to settle for a person. Point being, there will always be stupid petty little people like that girl that will try to provoke and make you tell something about something else. There was this girl I was hanging out with and she constantly provoked me with comments like: do you think that guy is hot? Which bothered me. And still does. There was another girl from High School that once asked me what I think about our prof's ass. I couldn't sleep the night, brooding over her comment. And don't let me start on the guys and their put-downs. For girls it is easier. Being with another girl doesn't hurt their femininity, but for us, the very thought of a homosexual encounter makes us doubt our whole identity. And I think once you enter the homosexual world is hard to go back and be a hetero guy. But it is more than possible, you can be whatever you want. And you know this. And once you find a wife, you should tell her everything. And if she accepts she is the kind of person you want to spend your life with, not the other way around.
Everything I bolded is what I'm experiencing at the moment. It sounds like you're open minded like I am, that if a guy comes along and you guys click then that's okay, which is something that I've accepted and said to myself if I'm happy then I guess that's OK. Only difference is that my attractions to men may be driven by father childhood abuse. I was abused me physically and emotionally, which led to me being uncomfortable around bigger good looking men. Porn aside, I webcammed with some guy over the skype and while there was a level of satisfaction (from the orgasm of course), the whole experience felt wrong. Wrong, as in "this isn't me". Then just recently I saw an old man's underwear in the change room and I had the sudden urge to smell it, and my anxiety level spiked tremendously and masturbating was the only way to relieve it. Again, the whole experience felt uncomfortable. It's a struggle as well because for every guy that I hang out with, I always do some sort of a "check" to see if I'm attracted to him or not, and check for a groin response. You aren't alone. As far as I can tell, I'm extremely confused at the moment, you may be at the same place as I am.
