So I am 20. I have always pictured my life with a wife, kids, a dog sitting on the porch out the front of the house. However i'm pretty sure i'm gay. I have never told anyone about this and I don't think I ever will. I think about guys pretty much 24 hours a day. However i'm trying to change this. I know what you guys will say, you don't need to change, you were born this way and it will be much easier on yourself to just come out and tell someone. However there are 2 main reasons why I cant do this. 1) In our family (really huge family btw) we have a gay uncle named 'Neville'. He has been shunned from the family and no one ever talks about him, if you do you get filthy looks from the family pretty much saying shut up. I feel really bad for him but coming out is just something I cant do. another uncle ever said "shut up, he chose to live the way he does. I know what you guys will say here. This is just a really harsh situation that one could go through here, he hasn't done anything wrong. Family means so much to me. 2) As I said before I want what people call a 'normal life'. However I'm not attracted that much to females compared to what I am to males. I've given one guy a blowjob and that is about as far as I have gone. Since that night I have never stopped thinking about sleeping with guys. If I end up with a girl i'm going to have to live a life of lies as Ill wont be fully committed to her as I have feeling towards another person e.g. other guys. and If I get with a guy. It will only ever be in secret and Ill feel wrong, dirty and just hate myself for even getting with them. Also two guy together and raising a kid just does not sit well with me. If you are openly gay and love it that's fine and I'm happy for you. Its just not for me. Its not all about sex either. It's not all about sex, I just want my heart to beat fast when I see a cute girl, not a cute guy. and feel the sweat in the palms of my hands when she comes closer to me, I wanna be tongue tided when she asks me something while I gaze into her eyes longingly, and to be filled with joy and happiness with her presence. So what is worse lying to a women that i'm with. Or be with a guy and absolutely hate myself and be shunned from the family. You might say here "it might not go down that bad you are only thinking the worst case scenario". trust me and that is why I can never come out. I've already decided i'm going to have to live a life of lies and just be forever unhappy to live in this world. I was just an unlucky one. I'm best mates with this guy and he has no idea how in love I am with him, he is my waking thought and my last thought before I go to bed. I would do anything for him. He is 100 percent straight. Ladies man and a massive anti-gay person. However as much as I would love to be with him, I couldn't for multiple reasons. Once he isn't gay and two it would ruin our friendship. He is my best friend and that is just how it is going to stay. I could never attempt suicide as I could never leave my family behind. If I tried to off myself, my mum would kill me. So. I just thought to see if there were any people like me out there. if there are im interested to hear your story and see if there is anyway I can tip the scales of becoming more straight, as being gay isn't an option I can come to. God was just unjust the day I was born. Oh well. (not religious in any way btw). One day there will be a breaking point. I'm 20, I give myself 5-10 years and ill probably go insane and will have to check into a mental hospital, not even joking. All I want is to be able to love a girl. Is that too much to ask??? PS sorry for how long this is and all the errors. I wrote this at 1 Am and just really needed to get this off my chest and tell someone/some internet space.
Your family is homophobic. They are judging your uncle and gay people in general, by what you said. To kick someone out the family circle just because they are LGBT is a cruel thing to do. Why is that? Getting married to a woman you don't love, and forcing yourself to be away from guys, just because society/family says that's what you need to do is worth it? You would be living a unhappy life just because someone else wants you to live in a way you don't want to. If you are attracted to men, it's no one else business. You may love your mom and dad, but you are free to love whoever you love, and it isn't up to anyone to change that (and no one can change that). Life can be a great thing. Do not waste it trying to fulfill other people's expectations. As long as you aren't hurting anybody, do whatever makes you happy (being with a guy wouldn't hurt your family. If they don't like it, the problem is their prejudice, not your orientation). It is perfectly normal to be attracted to people of your same sex. You aren't religious, as you said, so you may look up researches on sexuality and psychology to prove what i'm saying. You don't need to feel dirty or wrong if you end up with a guy, it is perfectly normal. You are 20. Have you considering moving out (if you live with your family), so you can be free to seek the relationship you want?
Hes not really kicked out, just no one invites him to anything sadly. I just cant end up like that. I know living an unhappy life is not ideal, but I think it is just what im going to have to do. If I were to come out, I would lose all my friends, family and that would make me hate myself more. Im not trying to purposely meet the expectations of those around me. It is just what seems to be happening. Im not trying to please anyone. I just wouldnt feel right being with a guy, my whole life I have been brought up with you must be with a girl and have children. This is what my family defines as a happy life. So as much as I want to be with a guy, I cant because of this. They didnt do it on purpose but that is sadly what has happened. I have moved out with 2 girls and a guy. All friends. Home is a little country town, I had to move out. Would a counselor help? just to vent everything?
Are your friends homophobic too? Are you on US, or other country that is, relatively, liberal? If yes, sure, if the counselor is a good professional, it may help. It is a good idea. If you want, you can talk to the advisors of Empty Closets, if they don't appear on the thread. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showgroups.php
