Is porn/masturbation an indication to your sexuality?

Hey ConfusedGuy4321! =)

First of all, to answer the question briefly "Is porn/masturbation an indication to your sexuality?": it depends, but in general you can't conclude that. It seems that quite some woman (lesbians included) enjoy male gay porn. And for guys, it doesn't say everything.

Fear of what? Is it performance anxiety? If that is the case, you might want to search for tips on that. I don't know much about that myself, but it can be helped as far as I know. =)

This could have various causes. It might blatantly mean that you are attracted to the guy, but that's definitely not the only possible explanation. People like to identify themselves (or compare themselves) with others. It might be, that you prefer watching a muscular guy because you admire him (as in, you want to be like him). This doesn't indicate that you like guys.

What do you mean with "I don't feel gay"? =) I see you clearly state you don't want to be gay. You must know that that can definitely influence how you view you (lack of) attraction to guys. If you are open to the possibility, but see that you simply lack attraction, then you have an honest answer. If you absolutely want to be straight, you might dismiss "signs" that indicate you may not be straight.

You stated you had no sexual attraction towards guys, but you do find them to be attractive. In what sense? =) You don't have to answer it for me, but you may want to answer it for yourself.

No, that doesn't follow from that at all. If you have low self-esteem, you may find yourself comparing to others. Guys with low self-esteem (in general) find that they compare themselves with other guys. Why would you compare yourself with a girl? =) So no, that doesn't follow from each other.

If you feel that you are lying to her, then can you explain why you feel that way? (Again, not for me, but you may want to do this for yourself)

~

There are a few things I'd like to point out in your story:

* You say you are not attracted to guys sexually, but yet you do find them attractive in a way
* Moaning from guys do turn you on. Watching to porn makes you focus on the guy.
* You feel you are lying. You are trying to let yourself be happy with your girlfriend, but when she's not there you feel that you were lying.

I'd say that these things indicate you might not be straight.. I think there might be some denial going on from your side. IF you could be with a guy, and no one would bat an eye, would you be willing to be with one? Do you think you can be happy?

If you feel you are lying right now, then staying with your girlfriend might end very badly for you.. You might become very unhappy. Give it some more thought, the relationship, and try to understand what I'm saying. It's not easy, I know. Take the time. If you want to reply, don't hesitate to reply. (*hug*)

 

Ain't that what they call being bicurious ? Liking the opposite sex and not wanting to have a relationship with some of the same sex, but finding them attractive ?

I mean it doesn't totally looks like you're gay. You seem to like women but you also seem to have an interest in men.

 

Why would you masturbate over that? Does it turn you on to think that they are thinner than you and that girls might like them more than you?

 

I think that if your masturbating because they're thinner or more muscular than you it's probably because you just want to be similar, feel similar, or are imagining yourself as being similar.
I can't remember what study or poll it was, but exercise seemed to improve libido in part because people were feeling better about themselves.
Another thing is that people usually pay attention to their own gender and put themselves in their position without realizing that it's what they're doing.

Other people questioning your sexuality or making fun of 'gay attributes' can really mess your views of your own sexuality up.
No one can tell you what your sexuality is, but if you aren't attracted to guys or don't want to act on the things you see in gay porn, it must be because you're straight.
There's a lot to bring into account, but the main thing that made me realize I liked other girls was that I would act on it and I can see myself with a girl in the future.

 

Lets be a little more open minded. The reason for people to use porn/create fantasies is because there's something they want, right? So let's clear some things up here.

A straight guy watches lesbian porn. It is also possible that a straight man would masturbate to men who he recognizes as attractive because he wishes to look like them. We masturbate to things that are attractive. Now when we break down what attractive means in this case, the first reason could be that a guy truly finds a female body attractive, and therefore faps to it. The second reason is a guy masturbates to gay porn or looks at the guy because he wishes to look like him, or in other words, puts himself in his shoes.

So if gay porn arouses you, then that's one thing. However, if the idea of it is not settling in real life, or does not feel right, then that's something you need to look into more. Never let anyone convince you that "this is what all gay people go through" because that's even more erasure right there.

I believe a user named LooseMoose made this comment, and I do believe it is true in my case; our innate orientation is the one we are born with. But there will also be a part of you that will say whether it feels right or wrong.

Be yourself, and take everything with a grain of salt, even my response.

 

I actually removed that part you refer to as bullshit because I realized it would cause so much drama, which you should have realized before posting.

Studies are just studies. In no way is it suppose to completely represent a population because in that case you are excluding people that do not fit.

But the reason why I talked about erasure is because I find that people on this forum go under assumption that if you start questioning your orientation you are in fact gay when this is not always the case. By telling people that "this is what all gay people go through", you are essentially forcing them into a box which not everyone likes. You can only make the assumption that the person questioning is not straight because of the fact that they started questioning, which in that case you are also assuming that all straight people do not question their orientation.

You are missing a lot more than just the text that they provide here. All I'm trying to say is comments like "all gay people go through this and that" doesn't help a person who is questioning. In no way does it make it more comfortable for people that are questioning.

Or you could just be confused, which is also a possibility that everyone should consider when questioning. If you have anxiety like me it's nearly impossible to filter out what is true and what is not. Anxiety will force people to ask "what if", and that's why it's so closely related to OCD. That's why you see many people claim they may have OCD because the anxiety is present.

 

ConfusedGuy4321, thanks for your replies! It gave some more insight in the situation (and I think it'll help you too by answering things for yourself and getting feedback).

I wanted to reply to this in particular:

If you did nothing wrong, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. =) I know it sounds straightforward, but it can be complicated to accept that. You even said it yourself, you see what's going on but yet you feel that way.

I think that it is because you are being too strict for yourself. I think so because of this:

You are forcing yourself into thinking you need to focus more on her. When you find yourself looking to a guy, it reminds you that the plan (or wish to focus more on her) is not working (properly), so you feel bad about it. The issue is not that you look at guys, but that you are being hard on yourself.

She enjoys the time with you, you like her and she likes you. Yet you seem to care about the fact that you look at other guys too. Why do you focus on that aspect? Don't force yourself into "needing to focus more on her". As you see, it makes you feel bad. Let go of that, please. See what happens for yourself. It doesn't matter that you occasionally check out other guys. It's that you are forcing yourself to be someone you are not (I'm not speaking in terms of sexuality, I'm speaking in terms of actions). You are restricting yourself too much and it's not working.

I hope you understand what I mean. =)

~
(This has nothing to do with your post, ConfusedGuy4321, but I wanted to reply to this)

We study human behaviour, we create models and yes, it is our purpose to have them as accurate as possible. The wish is to have it as accurate as possible (to be able to represent a population). You can even win nobel prizes with having an accurate model. Moreover, those studies don't exclude people that don't fit. There's a thing called the variance in models.. We are definitely aware of random factors, and to a certain degree, we can adopt them in our models. I don't know how advanced you are in terms of statistical analysis, so I wasn't too technical (I hope). :icon_bigg

 

Hello ConfusedGuy4321!
I can say I can relate to a lot of what you said, almost everything apart from the relationship with the girl. You shouldn't take everything I say for granted but I post it as food for thought.

I am 24 years old now and I came to myself only about a month ago, until then I had convinced myself I was bi. I was in love with my best girlfriend in high school and I did cry for her, but I now understand that those feelings were not exactly romantic and especially not sexual. I don't think many people are 100% straight or gay, so although I consider myself gay now, I can have feelings for girls I bond with, not sexual though.
I used to notice good looking boys at school and thought I envied them as I was fat then, but I guess now that I understand myself better that it was more than that. My eye used to go to them instinctively, as opposed to girls' boobs or whatever. I didn't do sports or hang out a lot with guys, because I thought then that they were jerks, however maybe I understand now that because our minds are constructed differently than straight men, this choice may not have been exactly random.

So until I was about 20-21 I didn't watch gay porn, as my conscious mind told me it was gross. However, from early on, when I watched straight porn, I used to select it according to the male stars and I didn't care about the female ones. I remember even downloading videos called "straight guys for gay eyes", "playgirl" etc, and it didn't even cross my mind that I was gay, lol!
(mods sorry if those names aren't allowed)

You can read my story if you like: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...-somewhere-before-acceptance.html#post2516074

I can't say I am comfortable yet with being gay, but now that I have understood myself, I can say why I haven't been really interested in having a relationship with a girl until now, apart from it being the thing everybody else does. I do believe however that when I meet the right guy, I will have feelings I always kept locked in me. The days I feel more confident about being gay, I even get hardons with guys on the street, something I didn't ever achieve with hot chicks.

It is hard to convince yourself that you are gay, it took me so long because I wanted myself to be perfect and wouldn't let me have my real feelings comfortably. However, I have regretted it so much I waited so many years, but I guess everyone goes through acceptance when they are ready.

Don't rush it though, you have many years ahead to experiment as you wish. I know it is hard, but don't be stressed about it, because only then you will be able to understand yourself better. An don't take everything you read online to be applied to your case, everyone is different.

(&&&)

 

@Chip fair enough. Aren't we all basing our advice on personal experience, as well as posts from other people as well? I am indeed speaking from personal experience, but that's what everyone does here, which in itself creates a norm.

I agree with your last paragraph, and is probably why it takes a long time to figure out who they are.

 

No, we aren't. People can advice things based on theories without any personal experience included. =)

 

Right, haha touché.

 

CHIP--It is NOT just gay people who have anxiety about being gay. OCD sufferers are absolutely included in this as well. It is not anxiety about being gay necessarily (although this would be a fear), however, it would be much more focused on being uncertain of one's sexuality, as uncertainty and doubt are a part of the OCD cycle. I would be careful about commenting on the experiences of anxiety sufferers when it's clear that you are unfamiliar with a lot of the conditions. OCD makes someone believe things about themselves could be true, that aren't (i.e. being gay, being straight [if gay], being a murderer, child molester, etc.)

First of all OP, if you are attracted to your girlfriend, I can say with NO reservation whatsoever that I am POSITIVE you are NOT gay. If you identify as male, and are attracted to women, that's it. Case closed. You aren't gay. You MAY still be bisexual, but certainly NOT gay.

Secondly, as someone who has OCD, I can say that if the thought of being "gay" is something that gives you anxiety and causes you to ruminate endlessly on the matter, while at the same time knowing full well that you are ABSOLUTELY not interested in men, then that could very well be OCD. A key characteristic of OCD is that you are unable to gain certainty and experience a lot of doubt. If what gives you anxiety is not being certain that you are straight (instead of being gay giving you anxiety), than I would seriously consider looking into more information on OCD. It is the uncertainty and the need for clarity that drives OCD. I'm not saying you have OCD, but if you really feel like you are NOT attracted to men, I would certainly look into the condition, as people reassuring you that you are not gay, or telling you that you just need to accept that you are gay are literally the absolute worst things that anyone could say to an OCD sufferer.

If, however, you feel like you are attracted to men on some level, and it is this attraction to men that scares you, then I would seek counseling in order to help you sort out your feelings.

 

Just to clarify I am not sure I've ever said anything along this line... or at least your wording makes it sound a bit vague and I cannot recognise it as something that I'd say?

With regards to OP and follow up posts: it is just impossible to tell whether you are gay/bisexual or if straight and anxious/insecure because of your past and bullying.

I can sense with clarity:

1) general anxiety, worry and low self-esteem probably stemming from past & bullying.
2) a strong fear and general unease around the idea of homosexuality, which probably carries lots of internalised homophobia stemming also from how horrible being gay was treated back then.

I suggest working on your self esteem and working on those feelings of internalised homophobia. It does not matter if you are gay or bi, or straight, it is never a good thing to be threatened by the idea of homosexuality. Your goal is to develop a sense of self esteem which is based on other things in your life, and to which sexuality is of secondary importance so you can 'take' ' or 'leave' the idea of being gay, without much distress. Currently I sense that you are feeling inadequate: whether the reason is that you are gay, or having low self-esteem because you were bullied is unclear.

What I find odd about your post is a certain black and white way of thinking, either 'gay or not gay'. Why not 'bisexual', since you tried to make it very clear that you are attracted to your gf? So what if you occasionally masturbate over a guy, but are generally happy with your gf? - if you are straight , it should not matter, likewise if you are bi, because you can still maintain attraction to the opposite sex whilst feeling occasional same-sex arousal. It does not *need* to mean that you are gay.

I'd suggest get used and open the idea that you might be bicurious, because you certainly sound like that, and explore that aspect without putting the pressure on yourself that it must mean that you are gay. It does not, it could be you are simply bicurious.There is no harm in trying ,if you are bi, or straight.
On the other hand, if you don't let yourself be curious and don't find out how you truly feel about it, you could end up denying your true sexuality, which could really come and bite you in the back. So not trying carries a big cost with it, whilst exploring, does not, because it will not stop you from being attracted to women, if you really are.

In either case, being gay is normal and nothing to be scared of. If you are, you will still be you, nothing will change about you as a person, and it certainly will not make how you were made to feel as a kid have any legitimacy.

Personally I would not put much importance on the fact that you don't picture yourself with the same sex. Many gay and bisexual people who are in denial, also don't do it, because we are trained to see ourselves with the opposite sex only.