This is...heavy stuff, I suppose, things I'm not in the habit of sharing often. But it plays a big role in me questioning my sexuality. Trigger warning for abuse and sexual assault, I think. I was raped by a man when I was 14. I had never had sex before this. I was called a liar and a slut. The first time I had "consensual" sex, I only went all the way because I didn't feel like I could say no. And my first serious relationship began this way. He cheated on me later and dumped me, but we were roommates so he asked if we could be friends with benefits. I agreed, and everything sort of spiralled from there into substance abuse and a sex addiction. I had previously felt attraction to women, but beyond some touching and kissing, I never went further. Men were easy to find. Half the time they wanted me and I was too messed up to say no or I just didn't care. The other half of the time, I just desired sex, but had no real interest in my partner. Eventually, I was sexually assaulted by three men at a party. I realized I needed help. I didn't get it. Shortly after I met a man who told me he wanted to help me. He, too, pushed for sex and I didn't fight it. He was convenient. I wound up pregnant and kept the baby and married him. He was viciously abusive to me and the majority of our....intercourse was rape. I left him, but was an utter wreck. Lo and behold, another man offered to help me. And it was very clear he expected sex in return. One night, I told him no. And he ignored me. So, now.... I'm single and free and in a much better place. I've gotten some help. I'm maybe happy again. And recently have begun questioning my sexuality. I have realized sex does not equal intimacy, which is what I really desire. An intense emotional connection. But when I really get to looking at it, it's not just men, it might not even be men anymore. I always buried my attraction to women, I told myself I was being foolish. And I also find androgyny to be completely wonderful. I'm currently a recluse and haven't had real contact with anyone but family and the men I was with in about 4 years. I'm just confused. And slightly terrified. I'm getting back into the world soon and am hoping to make friends. And I don't know how to separate my legitimate sexual attraction from my sexual addiction and from my desire for a true emotional bond. I don't know if anyone can help me, but I most certainly need advice
Hi. That's an awful story. And I know where you're coming from. I apologize for not writing it here, but it's here if you wish to read it http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/174306-phase-two-hugs-please-3-a.html You say you're in a much better place now. Does that mean you don't substance abuse anymore and that you have better control of your sexual addiction? You might want to make yourself a little promise or something. Say you're having coffee with a girl or a guy or in-between. Try not to think too much about how you'd like to, you know, instead try to think about the person. And make sure before things get physical, ask yourself, 'is this my body's desire, or my heart's?' I'm really, really sorry you had to go through that, it definitely sounds a lot worse than my situation was like. But know this. You're not a slut. You are not abnormal. There's nothing wrong with you. You were simply unlucky, like me. Sending you the majorest of hugs (*hug*) If you ever want to talk, I'll listen. Lots of love
Thank you for your reply. I was about to delete. rereading my post from a calmer perspective.... This thing is a mess, I didn't even say what I wanted to say, I got so emotional. I am better, no more substance abuse. On the sexual addiction, I don't even know. Part of questioning my sexuality is that I'm not sure if it's just trauma that puts me off of men, and my sex addiction that pushes me towards women in absence of men....... Ugh. I hate that society has made it seem abnormal for a woman to like other women. I'm so confused. I just want to find love, someone to share life with, a companion. And they are the only person I want to have sex with. That's my promise to myself is to wait until it's real. Again thank you, and thank you for sharing your story as well.
No problem, I think it feels easier to relate when you know you've been through similar things. I can relate to being put off men, I've been out put off men for the last 10 years or so until I realized 'wait a minute...' so now I like them again... In other words, you're questioning whether you are lesbian or bisexual? And congratulations on kicking the substance abuse, not everyone has got the strength to do that. You should be really proud of yourself. Do you still masturbate? Or are you simply not as sexually active at all anymore? You'll find someone. hugs (*hug*) You're a lovely person from what I can tell, there's bound to be a girl or guy out there for you I think that to wait until it's real is a really wise and good choice. Take some time to build up some courage. Then try to get out there and make some friends. In the end I think you'll feel you're ready to be with someone special.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Men aren't all like that, just the ones you happened to pick. Nothing you did wrong, they all sounded like abusive, controlling pricks. I would hope you are seeking therapy or something for your trauma. That story is intense, and no one should have to live through that. That you are surviving now is a testament to your strength and willpower. You sound like an amazing women. Going into the future, know that women can be just as abusive and controlling. So I would work on your issues before seeking a long term monogamous relationship, regardless of gender. I know things are getting easier for me, after 37 years in the closet as bisexual, now that I'm dealing with the issues that kept me there. Social anxiety, depression, ADD, lack of relationship experience. It's been a hard, strange trip, but things are slowly making sense. My choice in partners, my shyness/being reserved, not being assertive in what I want. You know it can get better, just watch who you are connecting with, and play safe.(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
Triflow: I am wondering both, all of it. Lesbian, bisexual, never actually straight. I don't particularly enjoy penetrative sex, there has only been one man I've had penetrative sex with and actually enjoyed the sensations. I've masturbated twice since my last relationship ended several months ago, but I've been virtually uninterested since. Kindy14: thank you for your kind words. I've thought long and hard about not all men being like that, it can be difficult to see. I've met some abusive women in my time, too. Its part of why I don't have a lot of friends. And yes, I sought therapy, but it's been difficult. Can't even trust a therapist. When I speak of my issues, I am very open, but I feel nothing. Like I'm telling a story. Its little moments when I'm not actively thinking about it, and it somehow gets brought up, that bring out my bad moments.
Hi delica! I'm really, really sorry that you have to gone through all that. I agree with Kindy14, you need some professional help, a therapist or may be a counselor. If you don't feel like therapy is helping you, may be seek another expert to whom you may connect better. I know how hard it is to find a right one (I tried 9 so far). Alternatively, you may use some other means like 7 cups of tea (free website with people to whom you can talk about your problems; they have different background and some training as well). The reason I say that is because many of things you described can manifest themselves in other ways. Sex addiction or alcohol addiction will turn into another one (drugs, binge-watching...) and same with anxieties if you try to supress/avoid them. I know it from personal experience although I've been struggling with different things.
how low: thank you for the website advice! I've been thinking of seeking online help through various forums and support groups. I've joined one for rape survivors, but haven't been active... I keep trying to get the courage up to call a crisis hotline, but my anxiety keeps me from it I'm currently struggling with an eating disorder. Every overcome addiction seems to leave a void to be filled by a new one...
Same here. It's ED I've been struggling for over 10 years now (and confusion about my sexual orientation possibly added to its onset). You NEED professional help.
