Hi there, I'm Rory and I'm pretty new to this site. I'm 21 now and I came out about a year and a half ago. I have an absaloutley amazing boyfriend who I have been with for 9 months now and I'm very happy with him I thought by now I'd have totally accepted the fact that I am gay. However, when I start a new workplace or meet new people I still find it insanely difficult to come out. I mainly hide it and don't tell anyone, even though I know that they won't treat me any differently. I feel so embarrassed, awkward and ashamed when I say 'my boyfriend', I just cringe. I am quite a shame prone person anyway and I'm pretty bad for changing for other people just so they like me, I find it extremely difficult to be authentically 'me'. I am also slightly socially anxious. It may sound silly but part of what makes me feel so awkward about it is that I do not fit the stereotype of being gay at all. I'm fairly masculine and I'm also very shy and awkward. All these thoughts go round my head like 'they'll think you're too shy and weird to be gay' and I just feel totally unaccpetable the way I am. I first would like to accept myself and then deal with the fear of coming out to new people over and over. This fear and shame is holding me back so much in life. I want to be relaxed and completely comfortable with who I am but truthfully I am quite embarressed and ashamed :/ It makes me feel guilty too as I love my boyfriend so much and it makes me seem as though I'm embarrassed of him. Does anyone have any advice concerning how to overcome this? How do I totally and completley accept myself, no longer feeling any sort of fear or shame when coming out to people or when people discover that I'm gay. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!!
Hi Rory. I'm not sure how much advice I can give, as you are quite a bit ahead of me in this whole process. But I am hoping to see some others reply to your thread, as this is an issue that is not so frequently discussed, but one that I feel needs to be. I too am dealing with some internalized homophobia. It's something that confounds me at times, as I've never had an issue with *other* people being gay, having had gay and bisexual friends in the past. It's simply *myself* being gay that I have difficulty accepting. For me, I feel there is perhaps still some sort of "adjustment period" occurring, for a long time I thought of myself as straight, or perhaps "a little bi," or even asexual. But I wouldn't allow myself to consider the possibility that I may be gay, and that repression and self-correction is hard to shake. It also takes time to adjust to a new identity. But, like you, there is definite embarrassment about my sexuality, for me. I feel I haven't totally accepted I'm gay, either. I have a hard time saying it aloud, I worry I'm being fraudulent, or misrepresenting myself, and still have doubts about my identity. I feel like I know I'm attracted to women, but I cling heavily to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I'll meet a guy that is Mr. Right and miraculously everything will fall into place, and I won't have to cope with the reality that Ms. Right is so, so much more likely for me, and all of the complications that will bring. I've seen others suggest that you practice saying "I'm gay" to yourself in the mirror. I find this too embarrassing to do, myself, but perhaps you could give it a shot. For myself, I try to remind myself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. It hurts no one. It's who you are, and how you are naturally. Why should you deny yourself happiness, when straight people, who are who they are naturally, are allowed to have it? It seems like younger generations are starting to be less prone to this type of negative thinking, as the world is changing, and people's views have evolved so much over the past decade or so. Still, there is stigma, and if we are raised with it surrounding us, I think it's hard not to absorb those messages to some degree. One thing that *has* helped me is to stop berating myself for feeling badly. I felt like I was a bad person because I had internalized homophobia, because I don't want to be homophobic to any degree. But I can't control my feelings, and they are natural feelings to have. They're something that must be worked through, like any other issue. I hope at least some of what I've said has been helpful, if nothing else know you're not the only one struggling with this.
Thanks so much I can definitely relate to what you're saying about *myself* being gay. That is exactly how I feel. You're also right about the repression and self-correction. For instance I knew I was gay when I was 9 years old and came out aged 20 by which time I had totally messed myself up with 11 years repression. My boyfriend on the other hand was 16 when he realised and came out aged 18 so never really had to repress it. I'll give the saying it in the mirror idea a shot. I hope you find your way soon and get a little closer to accepting yourself every day
i crystalized the internalized homophobia I was feeling having been out for about three years now a few weeks back when I attended Manchester Pride. See this link: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192071-internalized-homophobia.html For me, until I became conscious of it, I was not focused on dealing with it. Instead just focused on my coming out process and my journey of self awareness. Now that I am aware, I have been able to begin to address it. I do not know how many times it will take of continued coming out conversations to get comfortable (this will probably be an ongoing saga as many of us experience), nor how many other LGBT folks I need to hang out with or be around to build comfort. But, the more I do each, the better I feel. I would love to be able to just turn it off! But that is much easier said then done. Until then, I will just continue to focus on improving my own gay perceptions and lead the life I was meant to lead.
Thank you for the link! You mention an article that you read which described your feelings. Does it include any advice on how to overcome internalized homophobia? I hope you find your way to accepting yourself and you become more and more comfortable All the best, Rory
No, it just was a story of the writers struggle with it, recognition of it and personal work to sort through it. I do think recognition is half the battle, and now that I am cognisant of it, with some time and patience, I can work through it.
Here is an interest thought: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/192537-forgiving-others.html
