Confused...in mid 30's never been in love or sexually intimate

Let me say my story. Since 8, I had sexual desires with woman, finding a naked woman attractive and etcetera. Later, 10, 11 years old, I would see a man naked on straight magazine, and it made me interested. The feeling that I had for women was just going away little by little, I don't know why. Women wont turn me on for like 10 years and right now I'm still attracted to guys, masturbating seeing gay porn, being aroused by men on college. A guy could not even sit besides me, I would have a boner. The girls? Nothing.

Well, my entire life people around me had been so homophobic to the lgbt people. Jokes, weird looks. My parents used to react negatively to anything related to this on tv, on people on the streets. Then, at 11 year old, I had a dream (a homosexual dream) that made me uneasy, so I told my parents and they pretended it was nothing.

So, I felt guilty again and told them my feelings and since then they emphasized that it's wrong and would not accept I gay son, that it was a shame for them. Until 24 years old, I believed that I could be cured, that I could not have experience a same-sex relationship. I am 24 and I didn't have any experience with real men (not even a kiss, not even a peck, and of course, had not been in a relationship yer).

Why? I would say I was made to be afraid of those feelings, of how the other people would react. I felt guilty about everything because I learned to be guilty about this, I couldn't stop confessing things to my parents and learning that it was wrong. Now they know I am not ashamed about who I am, even disliking that so much, but it cost like 13 years.

May not be similar to your life, I just wanted to share this if you find any informations relevant for you. Stay cool!

 

You story sound similar to me which I posted here some days ago: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/207354-am-i-gay-straight-just-acting.html

Only very recently I internally accepted that I am 'allowed' to look at guys. Only since then I really feel what most straight guys feel when they see a nice looking woman.

Only thing I can say is that it is hard to get to know yourself, especially when you're at an older age. Allow yourself to explore different than 'expected' directions. If you know someone you can trust this can really help. Writing your feelings down also helps a lot to get things straight in your head.

I am getting in the phase that I start accepting myself for who I am. Dating/meeting a guy that is gay helped me a lot in getting confirmation but it took me months of a terrible emotional roller coaster before I could accept to even explore this side of me.

 

I'm at that stage too, allowing myself to like girls, I had to give myself that permission first.

I was taught homophobia before I was old enough to feel attracted to anyone, so suppression was early and extreme

 

For me my direct surrounding never told me to get a girl but to find someone I love(while still not judging gays but also being open suggesting I might be one). Then I always denied to my classmates and colleagues that I was gay. I think for me this is my biggest hurdle.. Accepting it yourself and then coming out to your surrounding(and basically telling them a big lie and having to explain yourself)