OK, sorry for starting yet another thread but I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm sitting here in the sofa in the apartment where my boyfriend and I live and all I can think about is how much I'd like to sit here, watch a movie, cuddle, and kiss a girl. I get all nervous when I think about it, even though I'm not even picturing a specific girl. I feel guilty because I don't feel like that when I think about my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up with him (that would make me devastated), but I'm super confused and I feel like a bad person. I don't know why I feel this way. As teenager I was only into boys (at least I think so) but for the past few years I've pretty much only been into girls (my boyfriend excluded). I had a crush on a girl recently and then I realised I've probably had more crushes on people of the same sex and that the majority of the attraction I've felt the past few years have been attraction to women (again, boyfriend excluded). I don't know what's happened to me. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe I'm imagining everything. Maybe I'm bi. Maybe I was always bi but I was just more attracted to guys when I was younger. Seriously, this is so confusing. How can I know if I'm actually attracted to people of the same sex or if it's all just a figment of my imagination? How can I know if I'm attracted to people of the same sex or if my sexual/romantic orientation is "just" something I'm questioning because I started to question other things in my life (gender for example)? Do heterosexual people get crushes on people of the same sex or is that a sign that I'm probably bi? What is a crush anyway? How can I be sure that's what I experienced recently? I've been thinking about telling my boyfriend about my confusion and that I might be bi, but I don't know if that's a good idea. All I know is that I feel really guilty about this and that I find it difficult to be physically intimate with him right now because of all the thoughts. I know you might not be able to help me but I'd really appreciate some advice if you have any. I don't know what to do. (If I sound desperate it's because I feel desperate. I don't like it but that's the way it is.) Chinaski
I don't know if I have any advice for you right now, but I can share my experience if that helps any. I started realizing I might be bisexual in my late teens or early twenties. It was attraction to women and men both. I dated opposite sex (women) but knew I wasn't completely straight. I actually had a long-term gf tell me she thought I was bi before I came out to anyone. If anything, my bisexuality has stabilized over time. I told my wife back when we were first dating. We've been married 15 years, still very happy. Monogamy and honesty have been key to making it work, for us. Recently, I've been feeling the need to come out more publicly, and my wife has been amazingly supportive. It may not work for everyone, but for me, being positively bi and in one loving relationship is my 'normal.' Bisexuality is valid and might or might not be your orientation. I encourage you to learn more about yourself and find your path, wherever it leads.(*hug*)
From what you've described you sound a bit like me, Adray. Did you ever feel attracted to people of the same sex before your late teens? Happy you're wife is so supportive! Like I said, I'm thinking about coming out to my boyfriend. I just want to be open about who I am (even if I'm not 100 % sure about exactly who I am and who I'm attracted to yet) and I hope telling my boyfriend will make me feel liberated somehow.
Not that I remember. Unless I was repressing it? It was when I was in college that I first experienced it. I was brought up Catholic, so I might have repressed it. I was a nerdy type, and this may sound weird, but once I realized the same-sex attraction, I went to the Undergraduate Library and read books on sexuality. Finding a definition and description of "bisexuality" was actually comforting to me internally, it explained what I felt. I was terrified of telling anyone at the time, though. This was the 1980's. Things have changed a lot since then (but unfortunately not enough...). Everybody is different, but I'll tell you what is most important to my wife. Monogamy. It's important to her that I still love her and honor our marriage. She will joke with me about whether a guy on TV is hot, etc. Just like she will with a girl on TV. But the monogamy and honesty is critical to her. It's not a problem with me, I've always been strictly monogamous, even when I was single and dating. I think I'm lucky to have found her. I have read a lot of material on bisexuality, especially lately now that I am considering coming out publicly. Bisexuality confuses a lot of non-bi people terribly, there are a lot of myths about promiscuity, etc. One of my major challenges I'm facing is how do I answer questions about "if your marriage is happy, why are you coming out?" Well, for a lot of reasons, mostly to be true to myself, etc. There are a lot of differences from person to person on their own bisexuality, too, from what I've read. Preference for one gender over another, preference that changes over time, etc. I can only speak for myself, I'm attracted to both men and women, and it's been pretty consistent for about 30 years now, I don't anticipate it changing. Oh, and another thing I'll share. Telling my wife was incredibly liberating. It let me be honest with her and be my true self. It was absolutely the right thing to do for me and us. I don't know your boyfriend or your situation, so realize this is just me expressing my experience. It's the only way I could see to be true to myself. Staying in the closet for most of society is bad enough, I can't imagine the burden of keeping that from my wife for a long time. Sorry for the long post, and good luck in your self-exploration, hopefully something here was helpful!
Reading this made me laugh a little. Not because it was funny but because you sound like me. I've been reading books and stuff on the internet on the subject for months. I was raised in a Christian family too (not Catholic though) so I might've repressed my same-sex attraction as well. Not sure though. Also, I wasn't really that interested in love and sex as a teenager (still not very interested in sex), which I know might be weird, and I think that might've caused the "delay" in figuring out my sexuality. Do you know what I mean? I didn't truly start thinking about it until last year (I'm 25 now). I've had crushes on girls the past few years (unless what I think are crushes really aren't) but I've pushed the thoughts away. I'm monogamous too, which I sometimes think is a bit of a problem when questioning my sexuality. I'd really like to be with a girl but I love my boyfriend and don't want to end the relationship. Yep, that's something I'm thinking about as well. I've read a lot of people say that it really doesn't matter who you're attracted to as long as you're in a relationship and don't intend do be with someone else. I just feel like I'm hiding something. Do you know what I mean? It's completely normal to be attracted to people other than your partner and I want to be able to be honest about being attracted to women as well (if what I think is attraction is really attraction). I don't want to hide that part of me. Yes. It's not a 50/50 split for me. In general I'd say I'm probably more into guys but for the past few years I've been more into girls. I think. Seriously, my brain is trying to convince me I'm just making everything up. It's tiring. Sounds really good! I hope it'll be the same for me if I decide to tell my boyfriend. Not sure I could ever tell my parents though. Did you ever tell yours?
No, I'm not out to parents or family. My brother might know, from just knowing me well. Telling my parents will be hardest. I don't know if I will come out at work, undecided there. It's never easy. I think it might get a little harder with time. My first guess would be that you are bi, too. Your reading will help a lot. I know not everyone finds value in labels, but positively calling myself bi was a big deal to me and very helpful to my inner well-being.
So you're planning on coming out to your parents? Good luck by the way! I'm one of those people who do find value in labels. Not always, but often.
Yes, I'm planning on being fully out. I hope. Still reading, gathering courage. My wife is ready now. Thanks for the good wishes! Same for you. I have a couple of EC friends who are bi and monogamous like me and building up to coming out. You can find us on the LGBT Later in Life forum, although we are w pretty small minority there.
Thank you! Do you mean you and your bi friends that are monogamous is a small minority in that particular forum or in life in general? I thought the whole "bisexuals-aren't-monogamous" thing was a bit of a myth/preconception. EDIT: Ah, sorry, I saw the "there" in that sentence and understand you mean you're a minority in that forum.
Here is a link to a good recent conversation we had: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/207270-how-more-open-about-being-bisexual-whist-hetero-relationship.html Hopefully I haven't derailed your topic too badly. I'm interested in if anybody else has thoughts on your questions, too. Good topic, thanks for posting!
It looks like the two of you are having a good conversation, but I thought I'd put in my two cents. I found that for me, the crushes I had on guys growing up were probably a result of not knowing it was okay to have crushes on girls. I liked boys because I thought I was supposed to. Thinking back, there were times I was shy around girls because I thought I was intimidated by them, but now I think it was probably something more. I would tell your boyfriend, if you feel ready, and hopefully he is supportive. Just take some time to let your feelings develop, and things will become more clear with time.
You know what? I had so much anxiety about this whole situation (seriously thought I was going crazy) that I just kind of "broke" and told my boyfriend yesterday night. I came out about being very confused. Said I wasn't sure. Said I think I'm bi but that I reserve the right to come to the conclusion I'm actually hetero (though that's unlikely). He took it well.
