trouble being a top in intimate situations with men.

ok ive been struggling with this for 10 years or so. I like women, they turn me on, i have no trouble in bed with them. i like some men and gay/bi men like me. the problem is i cannot get it up with a man, also kissing men does absolutely nothing for me, on the flip side kissing women turns me on. i have no trouble doing a threesome one girl 2 guys or 1 girl 3 guys, and so forth. but sometimes i'll flirt with a gay guy and it used to end in the bed room, a couple times went pretty bad, eg. having them force themselves on me. of couse every situation i felt i deserved it since i allowed it to go that far. so i think because of those situations, while i really want to be intimate and open to both sexes, when it comes down to it, intercourse scares me. idk why sleeping with men has no effect emotionally or physically with me when its 1v1. any ideas?

btw new here. howdy yall!

 

because ive been with guys in the past.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 09:51 PM ----------

also what if i want to be bisexual? maybe thats it and i physically cant.

 

I appreciate the advice, counseling is a waste of time, i don't need people condescending me or feeling sorry for me.
I survived war without a single emotional scar, yet they forced counseling on me cause regular people think war is traumatizing.
If i cant find a way to deal with things on my own, then they're not worth dealing with.
i beat alcohol addiction on my own, cigarette addiction on my own, drug addiction on my own. counselors only ever said addiction was a disease that i couldn't beat, they were wrong, addiction is always a choice.
plus adding my hidden past to my medical history, is not gonna happen.

thanks again though, last October i took a vow of abstinence, so far i have not broken it, come close a time or two... but i think at my age its not a bad idea.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 10:30 PM ----------

its an acceptance thing i guess, i find myself physically attracted some men, and homophobic people are dumb. i actually hate homophobic people and im surrounded by them everywhere i go, the sad thing is they're almost all in the closet. i want to be neutral, and bisexual is neutral. just like no religion or no politics.

 

i actually prefer sexual situations with multiple people at the same time, monogamy is an ancient construct, monogamous people generally tend to feel ownership, that's what jealousy is. i never get jealous, cause we're all adults, not slave owners. each and everyone should have a choice. cheating doesn't exist in trifectas and so forth.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 10:34 PM ----------

i asked cause i thought maybe it was something wrong with me.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 10:36 PM ----------

maybe im just bi-curious... idk.

 

ok lets change the track a little bit.

I want to do two things in my life that require me to be partly bisexual.
1. professional male escort.
2. professional male dancer.

for the first one the clientele is generally male, how can a straight guy who is open, perform homosexual activities if he is unable to be aroused by it?
the second one is easy.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 10:57 PM ----------

ok so the guy that molested me when i was 16, was a situation set up by my parents at the time, a few years later he went to prison, my parents claimed they had no idea. that was the first incident beyond my control, even though with him it was every weekend for months. im past all that.
I experimented in high school, mostly was this guy and girl who invited me into their love life, that was fun.
i tried to sleep with an army ranger, who was bi-curious... that was weird, but i sorta initiated that one, no scars there.
was in a relationship with a meth-head who got me hooked, actually enjoyed sleeping with men while on that stuff, but i dropped it when i realized i had nothing left, rebuilt my life, never going back to drugs to lower my inhibitions.
took me 3 years to get over the side-effects, were a couple times i sought out men for one-night stands, all of them ended in rape as wonderingabout put it.
i have always had rocky relationships with women.
when i get drunk i hit on both sexes, indiscriminately.

 

i was in iraq with the 1st cav OIF

 

well lets jump down down the rabbit hole with this.
i am sexually attracted to big girls, big breasts pretty faces. but im am also visually disturbed by this, the general laziness ive encountered among them disgusts me. i am physically fit, and i have ocd with being healthy and productive.
there are men who have gorgeous eyes, sexy bods, beautiful skin and faces, they're visually perfect... a lot of them swing both ways, but putting my thing in an anus disgusts me, both male and female. even though i might like doing oral on a man i have a gag reflex. i heard there are ways to train past that, i never cared much to give it much thought.

 

last but not least, i was brainwashed in the mainstream christian religion that all things good are bad. ive since got past every lie i was taught, but the one that remains the hardest to break is the anti-sexual-pleasure thing that Christianity pushes. Ive since learned through extensive research, most of the bible is a lie, and many of the christian teachings make no logical sense, but that stuff was ingrained in me from a really young age. its really quite a challenge to shut those voice off.

---------- Post added 4th Dec 2016 at 11:18 PM ----------

ok so counseling, how would you suggest i go about finding a good counselor, not the VA, their counselors are morons.

 

Awesome! Thank you Quantumreality, I greatly appreciate your help.
I definitely look into that.
Have a great night!