Hi all! I'm not sure how I ended up here, but you all seem so lovely and helpful and friendly that I decided I would like to join in the fun. I'm from near London and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment. I've been in a relationship with my best friend, another girl for almost three years. Before we ended up together neither of us considered that we were anything but straight... and then things changed and we never looked back. The problem is I never managed to really accept it in myself and have lived in a little bubble, pretending that it was nothing I had to acknowledge, talk about denial. And now we're finally moving in together (she lives 100 miles away from me right now) and everyone around her knows about us, but my family doesn't and I don't want to carry on pretending but I don't have a clue how to go about telling them. I'm from a religious background, not Christian, and gayness was just never mentioned. I think my mum already suspects and has been trying to be accepting, but I don't know because I just don't know how to talk about it. As if that wasn't enough I'm suddenly coming to terms with the fact that this is serious, "joking" about kids and marriage kind of serious, and I'm realising for the first time in my life that I have commitment phobia and as much as I want to share my life with my love, I feel myself panicking at the thought of what I'm getting into. We've talked about it a little, but I don't want to worry her by making her think I'm having second thoughts. Househunting starts on Thursday. I'm thrilled, excited and terrified. This is a very long introduction, I think I've been even more stressed about it than I thought. Anyway, that's me! I'm looking foward to meeting you all!
Welcome to EC. Good luck with your move. Its normal to feel nervous when making this kind of step in your relationship.
Hey welcome to EC, I think the reason that you are suddenly having a commitment phobia is because at the moment you have all these new thoughts and things going on in your life and when you think about all of them together it can seem really scary and overwhelming. When I get like that I try and break everything down into smaller pieces because that always makes them seem much more manageable well to me at least. I also try and think of getting to my goals in small steps, so rather than thinking I have to find a house, move in with my girlfriend, maybe get married, have kids and tell my parents. Think of it as ok the first thing I need to do is go house hunting with my girlfriend, that can be kind of fun and exciting, I don't think you need to worry about marriage and children right now, I know you said you have discussed it a bit but im sure there will be more discussions before anything happens. There is no rush and no pressure. You don't say whether you are out to your friends etc and whether it is just your family but I think you should perhaps think about when you do tell them, how would you like to tell them, face to face, over the phone, by letter? If you do it face to face would you want your girlfriend to be there? I think it sounds like you are ready to come out to your family and it is understandable that you are nervous. People here at EC are really cool I am sure we can help you figure it out.
Thank you all for your warm welcome! Good advice! Nothing but moving in together is happening now, that's for sure. Our discussions have been merely realising that there is a future that we both want, rather than deciding to do anything about them right now. We've agreed that the most responsibility (other than a shared flat!) we're taking on until further notice will be a puppy, and that's only when we're ready for it :rolle: Ah, yes... I'm not out to any of my own friends or family. Everyone around my girlfriend knows about us, she talks about me constantly and if she hasn't actually told them then they've guessed, and I'm fine and happy about that, but no one from the network of people I grew up with knows. I think that's the thing I'm panicking most. I've suddenly been backed into a corner, but not by anyone except myself and my now-troublesome ability to compartmentalise. I've managed for three years without giving a hint to anyone about us, when I talk about her I talk about "my best friend" and so on... and now we'll be living together and if I want friends to visit I'll have to explain. And if I want my family to visit and help me move, and I do, I'll have to explain why all the bedroom stuff is in one room and the other is just an office. It just all feels so sudden even though it's been a long time in coming. I've been avoiding it and suddenly can't any more. :eusa_doh:
Ok so you have been avoiding it, I think we have all done that many times, if something is kind of difficult it is natural to want to avoid doing it. Have you been avoiding telling your friends because you think they will react badly or just because its easier not to do it? My advice would be to work out who you would like to come out to first, whether that be 1 friend, a group of friends or a family member etc. Once you have decided this it is easier to plan the hows etc. I know right know when I tell you this you are definitely not going to believe me but it will get easier once you start doing it.
Hey! I related to your post quite a bit, I'm bisexual and in a relationship with a girl, it's also long distance and I'm also in the position of having her friends and family knowing, and not mine! I came on this site in search of someone to talk to as I don't feel quite ready to come out to my own friends yet. If you'd ever like to chat give me a shout!
Welcome! :smilewave: We're glad to have you! You'll like it here. And if you need help with coming out, I'm your girl I didn't have the best experience, and I know I would have liked to have someone to talk to when I went through that, so feel free to friend me if you need some advice or support
Hey! It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with this! I'd love to chat sometime :smilewave Thank you so much for your welcome and support!(*hug*) For the family it's just easier not to do it I think. I don't thiiink they'll react badly, I can't imagine it at all really. We're such an odd - close but let's not talk about anything - kind of a family and everyone strictly minds their own business, which is what makes it so awkward a thing to bring up. My mum surprised me with her calmness when my brother broke some shocking news to her earlier this year, so I have a feeling she'll be okay. Friends is the one I can't work out, in recent years I've drifted apart from the network of friends I grew up with, we're not close anymore, but I still remain part of it nonetheless. They were all (friends, parents of friends, friends of parents... etc, etc) an extended family to me through my childhood and teen years, and there are strong religious ties involved. Not the Christian fire and brimstone kind, but my parents are very well-known in a worldwide community and I grew up pretty high profile in that way and I feel as though I'm letting down all those expectations of me as the nice, good girl, and perfect daughter. These are people who I respect and whose opinions used to mean a lot to me. And it's the kind of network where if one person knows, everyone's likely to know by lunchtime. It's pretty daunting. *sigh* You're right, I know you are... I would like my mum and my brother to know so I don't have to pretend and make things all confusing when they come and visit my new place. Okay, so now I have to work out the hows...
Ok so that is one baby step done on the ladder to where you want to be. Do you think you would like to tell your Mum and Brother whilst they are together (I don't know if this is logistically possible) or would you rather face them one at a time. I think that is probably the next decision that needs to be made. By the way feel free to tell me to shut up or to disagree or ignore what I am saying. Coming out is a very personal journey and everyone is different so you have to do it the right way for you. A for your friends, do you think your reluctance to come out to your network of friends has caused the drifting apart or do you think you have just generally drifted apart and therefore you are less keen to tell them, or perhaps a combination of both or neither.
I think I'd rather tell them one at a time because I think they would react differently and it would be easier to deal with. But then of course I've got to do it twice. For weeks I've been trying to work out how, and who would be easiest first. I think my brother might just raise his eyebrows and say, "Huh.... fair enough." but it's far more difficult to start the conversation with him, and it's more important that I tell my mum because she's the one who's probably noticing things but not saying anything, but I can't seem to get up the nerve or think of what I'd say. "Hey, um, by the way, I've been sleeping with my best friend for three years..." doesn't quite work. Aah, tough one! I began to drift away from them when I started uni and began to change the way I identified with people, I outgrew the old me and some of the peripheral friends went with that image. But yes... I do suspect that I kept some at a distance who I might not have if I wasn't keeping such a big chunk of my life a secret. What a sad thing. The more I think about it the more I see cases where this is probably the case...
Don't be too sad you did what you needed to do at the time and you might not be the person you are today and in the happy relationship you are in if you hadn't. If we start with your family you can decide what you want to do about your friends, you don't have to make all of the decisions all at once. If you want to only do it once but deal with them independently then what about coming out to them by letter or email? That way you can kind of write them and send them at the same time but deal with responses and questions independently? If you want to do it in person then I have found that to stop myself from chickening out when opportunities arise, I try and message the person first and say 'when you are free there is something I want to tell you', or 'I have something I want to talk you about' and that makes them prepared for some news and also usually gets them to give you an open opportunity like 'so what is you wanted to talk to me about?' I told my Brother first but also had trouble opening a conversation, eventually I kind of started a conversation with some other reason I needed to talk to him and then just kind of bit the bullet and came out to him via a text message because otherwise I would have just been trying for forever. I think sometimes having a sibling on board can give you that extra bit of encouragement to tell your Mum.
Well, I still haven't had chance to tell my family, I'm staying at my girlfriend's while we start our new jobs and begin to househunt, and my mum is out of the country. But... well... I stumbled across someone who gave me a friendly kick into telling people... The story is here, I just wanted to update you! http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/109616-whirlwind-outing-unexpected-say-least.html#post1689735 Thank you so much for the support and advice you've given me since I signed up here. It's exactly what I needed and more than I hoped for. I haven't replied for a while because I've been busy packing everything up and starting my new job, but I've been thinking about everything you've said and building up courage to tell people. Now I'm on my way. Thank you again!(*hug*)
