By Martin

Dealing with Crushes

Having a crush on somebody can be a difficult time for those who are LGBT. There are a wide range of problems that somebody can experience that a heterosexual wouldn't normally face, and feelings towards another person of the same-sex can make the coming out process more difficult. There are also concerns that perhaps you may out yourself, or the girl/guy may find out and make fun of you or react negatively, or maybe you become so desperate for that person to be gay that you analyse them for any possible signs and just end up seeing what you want to see.

Unfortunately, dealing with a crush isn't something that has one definitive solution. It's something that we all experience at numerous points in our own lives, but how we handle them is often unique to ourselves. Some are able to just handle a crush with ease and wait for it to fade away, and some are even lucky enough to be able to talk about their feelings to a close friend or family member. For others, that isn't something that is possible, and many people who are LGBT face the difficult task of overcoming a crush alone.

As much as I would love to create a Resource that would reach out and work for everybody, it is sadly not possible. All I can do is offer you some perspectives from the forum members who have experienced the same problems, and hope that their advice may help you out. It's not something that will just fade away over night, and these feelings may last for days, weeks or even months, but if you do want to overcome them then it's possible to do so if you follow the right steps. It's painful in the short-term, but it's also something that has long-term benefits for yourself.

Here's what a few members have suggested when it comes to dealing with crushes:

Beaverhausen says:
"I've had so many crushes during my high school years. Basically, any guy I enjoyed having a conversation with, I began to grow a little crush on them. I'm not sure if it was the hormones acting up though.

For me, getting over a crush was kind of difficult. But I was able to overcome it with being around the people that I knew loved me. I mean, crushes are basically the want to be with someone you think you may love, so whenever I tried to convince myself to get over the little crushes I had on other guys (even when I knew it would never work out, I mean hello, he's straight!) I would hang around with my friends who loved me and always welcomed me to open and supportive arms. So be with someone or a group of people you know that love you unconditionally. That's the best "crush" out there.

Plus, just keep in mind that sometime soon, you'll find that perfect somebody. It won't be a crush then, it'll be more like true love! Yes, I'm a firm believer in true love."

Eric says:
"This past year I had a massive crush on a guy from school. It took me a hell of a long time to get over it. He was always joking around, he would never ignore you, he's just an all-around nice guy. Appearance-wise, he was probably above average. I was pretty sure he was gay and the one time I asked him he changed the subject. He was charming, and I guess that was the best thing about him. Avoiding him didn't really work sadly, and I never had the courage to actually tell him I was gay and tell him how I felt. What really worked in the end was just distracting myself with work and stuff until he was completely out of my mind by the end of the day. It didn't hurt that the guy in question pretty much disappeared from school after Easter. There's never really an easy way to get over a crush, I think it's just whatever works for you."

Charme says:
"For all my highschool crushes that needed to be crushed, there was a simple solution. Find a serious flaw in the person. The flaw can be superficial or otherwise. In my experience, such flaws presented themselves in the most opportune times (getting stuck with your crush in a group assignment for the entire school year).

Oh sure it'll make you feel shallow or 'less of a person' or think 'who the hell am I to judge' but it works. I had a crush on this one guy and he got put in my group for English class that lasts the entire school year. Well for our first group project/essay, he showed himself to be an absolute retard. Always missed later meetings, never met deadlines, didn't do his share of writing etc. So I got over him while the rest of the group got mad at him."

Black Cat says:
"I'll share my experiences. For the most part my crushes sort of faded away, so I can't offer much advice. But I'll share anyway, as I just spent the better part of 34 minutes recounting my past crushes.

Crushing is, at least for me, a near everyday occurrence. I see a hot guy and immediately start imagining things. Oh God no! Not those sorts of things, but rather the sorts of things ranging from sort of intimate moments like hand-holding, all the way up to falling head over heels in love with the person. And that’s all before I even know his name.

I haven’t dealt with hardcore crushes until quite recently. Truth is I was just too timid to even imagine having one. But once it finally hit, it hit hard.

I have crushed heavily on only two people*, both openly gay so I am not any kind of authority on straight crushing. One was immediately after coming out to myself and in hindsight I think I just felt vulnerable.

I saw him as someone who had been around the block before, and knew a little more about the world than I did, which I found distractingly attractive in my period of naïveté. Turns out he could actually relate to me on several levels, as he had been through several similar situations in regards to destructive family situations that I had recently begun to open up about. He offered me advice, as well as comfort, which to this day still means so much to me.

I never told him, and in retrospect it seems like this was the perfect thing to have not done. But instead applied some level of control, despite giggling and blushing like some sort of giddy schoolgirl when I would talk to him – I think he knew though. I wasn’t exactly the best at hiding it.

In time I began to see him as more of a friend than a crush, which is the ideal thing it turns out I needed during the whole process. I wouldn’t have it any other way to be honest.

The other instance happened not too long ago. This guy and I had many things in common. We met discussing movies. I fell for him instantly (as I often do, I must admit).

Guy number two also became a friend. I attempted flirting, but being quite bad at it I think my efforts went unnoticed. I still harbor feelings for him, but they are no longer of the heavily crushing sort. I love him deeply as a friend. He’s one of the few people I have let completely and openly into my life actually.

Crushing on people is, overall, a pretty simple thing to overcome. For those of us who are of LGBT persuasion it may be slightly more difficult simply because we feel there are fewer potential partners out there from which to choose. The only thing I find essential to overcoming a crush I develop on somebody is patience. Patience is key, just give it time and it will pass.

Ignoring a crush is a near impossible feat, especially when you are around the subject for lengthy periods of time (i.e. you’re crushing on a co-worker, roommate, close friend, classmate, etc.) But it can be done.

*And for the record, yes I did meet both of these people online. But an online crush is still a crush. It bears all the signs and symptoms of a full-fledged face to face crush. Remember that."

-Michael- says:
"I used to have a crush on my best friend's boyfriend.
He was the best! He was funny, we had the same sense of humour, he was sweet and he drove!!

There wasn't a point where I was kidding myself, thinking it could be a possibility, or thinking he could in someway actually be attracted to me. (He used to 'flirt' a lot)

Cutting a long story short, the infatuation was huge and my thoughts were on him almost 24/7.

The best advice I can give for anyone in the same situation?
Move on.

It's easier said than done, but when you say 'I can't', it's really 'I don't want to'.

Just move on, give up and start turning your attention to something more productive.
Even distance yourself, which is exactly what I did.

Distance yourself, until you almost forget what they're like.
Once your attention is elsewhere, their return is nothing major after that.

Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start to move on, things get way better."

silentsound says:
"I've had two really major crushes in my life. My first piece of advice would be to not try too hard to deny it once you realize you're falling for someone. At least for me, I had been hurt so much by the person I had last fallen for that I simply couldn't allow myself to fall for someone else. Put simply, harsh denial and constantly beating myself up over how I couldn't fall for her just made everything worse. So I would say that the first step is to acknowledge/ accept that the crush exists.

I'm sure some will disagree with me here, but I think it's important to enjoy it a little bit. It's enjoyable to think of someone like that for a little while, you just have to be careful not to let it get too far. If thinking about him/her starts to hurt you/give you mixed up feelings that play towards unhappy, try some distractions. Say to yourself "Ok, I'm having these feelings now and that's alright, but now I'm going to think about something else" then try thinking about/doing something you really enjoy. Also I find exercise really helps. Intense cardio always really helps me. This helps you distract yourself, feel better about yourself, and release some tension. Also, at least in my case, it helped to think about her/getting over her as I was doing something that engaged my body and even hurt a little bit. I always felt better after a good workout.

Honestly, I have found that the above are mainly coping mechanisms and haven't completely gotten rid of the crush. I've found the only way to truly do that is a combination of distance & time. Try to stay away from that person for a little while. This will make it hurt more at first, but with a combination of the coping mechanisms I discussed and distance you will be able to let the person go over time."