Last year on a different site on Fb, there was a discussion about femme invisibility, and how hard it is to know whether a girl is flirting with you because she's lesbian/bi, or because she's a straight girl and thinks it's cute. I guess I fall more into the 'femme' box, and I'm wondering, how do I make myself more visible? How do I put it out there that I am interested in women without announcing my intentions every where that I go? I read on another thread here that some have tattoos with rainbow colors, etc... which is funny because I had considered doing just that, but my 20 yr old daughter who is lesbian and a femme, completely balked at the thought that I should "Identify/label" myself for the rest of the world. So what do you all think? How does one become more visible?
I also am Femme, and this is an universal problem, I am afraid. I go out with my wife, a Butch, and men STILL hit on me. It's horrible. However, if I see a Butch out there, I do the 'body scan' look. That way they get that I appreciate them, and am also gay. Also, direct eye contact is appropriate and works great. I happen to be OFOS Femme and sometimes us gals have to make it clear that we are here. Femme women do present themselves completely different from straight gals. We are not afraid to talk directly to a male, we are not into flirting with them and making it seem like they are the strong one, we are strong on our own. So, quiet observation usually will out us, eventually.
Lipstick, thank you for your reply! I am not getting notifications for some reason, so had no idea that anyone had replied to my thread? I've only been out a short time, but I am very comfortable making eye contact with a butch... and even slightly flirting, however I've noticed that there have been a few times that the butch that I was speaking to either was completely oblivious or just ignoring me lol. My 20yr old daughter, who is also femme has a horrible time finding a date because she's into femme's! Where we live, it's a bit larger than rural, but not much, and there's not a very big lgbt community so it's really tough. My daughter & I have discussed moving closer to the city (Seattle) to have more of our lgbt community around us, but it's a big move lol. Thanks for your feed back!
Currently I am reading a book called "Lesbian and Gay Couples: Lives, Issues, and Practice" by Ski Hunter. Hunter highlights the very issue you mentioned, visibility. How do we know who is gay and who is not gay just by looking at them? Also another point that was brought up is in hetero-normative culture which is what most of us have been brought up in, women do not approach a potential mate, they are often the one who is being pursued. Although a women may give looks and hints, very rarely does she go up to a person to introduce herself. The problem for lesbians is that we are all women and we often do wait for other people to approach (note I said the word often). Finding a partner when you're gay is like finding a freakin' job. It's tiring and difficult when the economy is down. The best thing to do is network. Get to know lots of people. Be the one who approaches another person if you see them wearing rainbow (compliments on the rainbows are good ice breakers). Online dating is helpful if your goal is to find dates. Being visible and out is a personal choice, it can be liberating or devastating. With everything comes a price whether you are out or not. Try hanging out in some gay-friendly areas (bars, clubs, organizations, groups, etc).
Yo could have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/166510-where-hell-all-lesbians.html#17 ->So lesbians who are out there looking for a woman Rainbow accessoires should help, depending on how out you are... eye contact is important... she might look at you, look away, then give interested glances later... or she might look at you, hold your gaze and smile... its kind of and understanding she likes you... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/146045-flirting.html#6
I know how it feels to feel completely invisible to other gay people. Lots of cute girls I meet I wish knew my sexual orientation I'm not just being nice cutie! I'm flirting with you is what I always think to myself. I'm going to buy a lesbian female symbols intertwined necklace just to show my true colours and hopefully more women pick it up and start hitting on me! It's also hard being a fem only attracted to other fems. Hang in there! x
One of my bisexual women friends was complaining about this bitterly. It's a real problem. But think about it like this. There are a lot of femme lesbians and bisexual women who want to find each other. It's not like you're unwanted. (*hug*)
Well you might work on your eye contact... looking at her, smiling, then looking away... not looking away straight away... and you might try a glance saying I want you... anything rainbow might be a good idea... its more likely people in the know notice... and one of the intertwined symbols You might even think about wearing one earring.. for example one feather symbol earring...
