I did it, I did it!! The long story of my gradual Outing!

When I first visited this site it was September last year and I was about to move in with my best friend - but no one knew that we had been together for nearly three years.

I was so excited about taking this step, but so so nervous about anyone finding out about us. Being secretive was increasingly difficult, and yet I just couldn't imagine being able to tell anyone.

Less than a month later I was unexpectedly outed to my boss by a complete stranger, which was a lifechanger really. At this time I was spending more time with my boss than anyone else, and to suddenly be free and open was such a relief that I began to realise just how much of a constraint I'd placed on my life.

Then my love asked me to marry her, and I managed to tell my mum (I dropped it on her as a bit of a bombshell with no warning, but she took it well) and two friends, and my amazing boss even told my dad for me (he's off in Ukraine somewhere and I don't usually have any communication with him, but I wanted him to hear properly, and not via the grape vine). But I thought I had ages, we weren't planning on getting married until nearly the middle of next year so I procrastinated in telling more people.

And then in February we decided one evening that we didn't want to wait until next year, we want to get married this year, August to be precise. Suddenly the pressure was very much on, at the very least I had to tell anyone I wanted to invite - you know, tell all the friends who think I'm straight and single that I'm actually engaged, and to a girl.

The next day we went out for a nice weekend in a town around 20 miles away and to my shock ran into a friend who was at the top of my invite list, who I used to be close to but dropped away from because I was keeping too many secrets. I hadn't seen him in well over a year, and then there he was. We hung out with him and his girlfriend for the afternoon, and then finally, finally, knees wobbling, I told him that I had been planning on calling him that weekend so that I could invite him to our wedding. He took it remarkably well and said that he'd be there. He didn't really ask anything else just then, I think it was too much of a surprise, but he called me a day or two later and grilled me on every detail, and he said he'd told his mum who wanted him to tell me "That in all her years in the community I grew up in and around she had never known anyone to be so brave in announcing their gay relationship (most of my family friends are very very religious - not Christian, and not homophobically religious - it's just never ever discussed) and that she is so so proud of me for doing so." It was a lovely conversation, and he's called me several times in the weeks since, just like he used to do before I went all weird and cut myself off. I have my friend back again!

Then I told my mum and my brother that we were getting married a lot sooner than planned - she hadn't mentioned it since I told her and I think she thought it was something we had talked about but may or may not happen. There was a little drama as she freaked out about all kinds of tiny little things that were obviously just her way of dealing with everything changing, but by the end of the weekend she had calmed down and we were able to joke about who was going to tell her friends and she was beginning to even sound a little excited. They both love my fiance (!!!) very much and couldn't be happier with the person I want to spend my life with, so that's just perfect.

Then I had to start on the family friends - I was so so nervous. These are the people I've grown up around, who are religious and traditional and who I have no idea about their views on such matters. The first person I spoke to was the one who I hoped would be the easiest. I said, "Ummm, so I have something to tell you...." she said, "Ooooh, do you have a boyfriend?!" and I said, "Well.... not exaaactly. B and I are getting married in August." and she said, "Oh... oh. Oh! I know what I'm going to wear!!" Although she did ask me once or twice if it was all a big wind up and I was going to say, "Just joking!" And then she also said that she doesn't know anyone who's been brave enough to announce it like I am beginning to, and that she's very proud of me. We joked about the scandal, and how I like a bit of drama, and she said, "That's my girl."

Just as I was trying to get up the nerve to talk to the only friend I was really unsure about how to talk to (she's wonderful, caring, loves us deeply, and is extremely set in her ways and takes a while to be able to change her views on things) my boss called to wrap up our week of work and the month's goals etc, and then at the end he said, "Oh, um... I was talking to {mutual friend} earlier, we were just chatting naturally, and it just slipped out that you're getting married." And he'd accidentally told her! I was so so so relieved that all I could do was laugh. Apparently she'd taken it pretty much as I imagined with confusion and a little disappointment (Apparently she said to him, "But she hasn't given men a chance!!" :lol, but he told her that she was being ridiculous, I believe his words were "If a cow wants to eat grass you're not going to be able to make it eat bamboo are you?" hehe. I called her the next day pretending that I didn't already know that he'd told her so that she wouldn't feel that she'd been left out of being invited properly and she'd had time to think about it and told me how she's very happy for me and what matters is that I'm happy and she'll be there if she can and that her daughter wanted her to tell me how proud she is of me. She told me several times how proud her daughter is, but couldn't quite tell me how proud she is herself but she'd already made remarkable progress one weekend so I'll give her time.

So one by one I told all of my handful of invitees, and every single one was wonderful.

But time is running on and it's getting closer and the big wide world still didn't know.

Yesterday I finally got up the nerve to change my Facebook status to announce to the world and all my friends that I am engaged to my love. Many many people "liked" it, and many posted their congratulations and how happy they are for me. Many didn't, and do you know what? As much as I thought I'd care, I don't! People know! People know what's happening in my life, they know I'm about to take a massive step and marry my best friend of over a decade, and I can be me!

For the first time in over three years I feel free from secrecy and silence. All the people who matter are excited and supportive and full of nothing but love for me, plenty of people who don't matter as much are just as excited and supportive. And anyone else? For the first time I just don't care!

I feel so free, so expansive, so unguarded - I suddenly feel like I used to do before I started shutting myself away. I was so scared of people knowing, and it turns out that it's no big deal to them. All they care about is that I'm happy. And guess what? I am!

When I look at my life 6 months ago and compare it to now, I just can't believe I'm the same person. I'm so so so happy I could explode!