I posted a little while ago about questioning my gender identity and I've been continuing to think about it. I'm still struggling to figure myself out and I'm hoping perhaps talking to people here might help shed a little light on the matter. I've got a lot of different thoughts and feelings about this, but I'll try and be as concise as I can, I'm sorry if it goes on a bit. I was curious about boy's genitals from a young age and wanted to know what it would feel like to have a penis. The concept of polyjuice potion in Harry Potter interested me, particularly as I got closer to being a teenager, as it could be used to transform into a male. I'd sometimes fantasise about having such a potion and being able to 'try on' a male body. I've always attributed these sorts of thoughts as normal curiosity, although the fact that these fantasies weren't actually possible did feel...disappointing, irritating, frustrating maybe? (Are these sorts of thoughts normal to have? I assumed that they were, but I guess I could be wrong, it's not like I ever asked anyone.) Another thing I've been thinking about, which intersects somewhat with my sexuality. In my teens I discovered fan fiction and soon came across 'slash fiction' (male/male pairings). I already knew a bit about what gay sex involved, but it was the first time I'd come across any sort of graphic description. I liked it, a lot, and it quickly became a bit of an obsession. Of course someone doesn't have to be a gay male to be aroused by it. Over time though, it became clear I had little to no interest in the idea of sex between a male and female or between two females. When I began identifying as asexual, I thought maybe it made sense. That since I wasn't interested in having a sexual relationship, that I would only be attracted to sexual acts that obviously didn't include myself, perhaps? On the other hand though, I had often wished I could experience gay sex. I wanted to be able to shapeshift (kinda links back to the old polyjuice again), so that I could inhabit a male body in which I would be able to act out my desires and the fact that such a thing would not be possible felt frustrating. I'd also sometimes 'jokily' say to myself that I probably should have been a gay man. I don't know, maybe this is all just extreme curiosity, I am naturally a very curious person or maybe it's something else. For a long time, I've felt as if the me on the inside is somehow different than the me that everyone else sees. I never made a connection with that feeling to gender and I'm still not sure what that feeling means or how exactly the 'inside me' is different from the me that people see, whether it could be to do with gender or if it's something else. A lot of the time I've just acted in the way I felt people expected me to, as if I were just playing a role. Sometimes I tried to figure out what it was that was different about the 'inside me', tried expressing myself in different ways, different clothing styles, but nothing ever felt right and I'm still not sure who I am. I don't know, I guess I'm just hoping someone might have felt something similar to this.
You might have a look at those: Being a Trans* guy and sex.. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...how-can-i-supportive-my-asexual-sister.html#3 http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4 I think quite a few tg people can relate to this. I'd say go with your feeling... many people have a feeling of joy, when they imagine themselves male... its a feeling this is what they really are... some are fluid... You might try to think about this for a few minutes, and for a few days... getting away from tv etc, just thinking and maybe daydreaming a bit... not excessively but so that you can get a feeling what is you... If you imagine a spectrum going from male to female, its possible you feel fluid... or you have certain spots where you feel at home... now from feelings of identity to body... as you describe it you would sometimes like a more male body... would clothing if you feel like it be enough ? http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gende...169091-questions-about-ftm-crossdressing.html You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want... saying you want some counseling... You might look for support groups, maybe in your local lgbt center... or join a lgbt group at college... hugs
Thank you for responding I'm not 100% sure where I would place myself on a spectrum of male to female, although I think I feel more at home somewhere in the neutral to male end of the spectrum. Since posting this thread, I actually bought this book that sounded interesting, My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein. I've started reading through it and I definitely think it will help in thinking about this. I have begun to experiment a little with clothing. In general I've tended to wear fairly gender neutral clothing anyway (jeans, t-shirts, hoodies), although their all from women's section or unisex. I've started wearing men's underwear though, it seems like the easiest place to start and I've begun experimenting a bit with binders. I've browsed a little in the men's section, but I haven't got as far as trying anything on or buying anything other than underwear yet. I love the underwear. Since getting them I haven't even put on a pair of women's. I feel like they're more comfortable and I prefer how they look as well. I've thought about contacting an lgbt group I went to for a bit a couple of years ago. I know they do offer 1 on 1 support as well as social/support groups and I'm sure they would have more information on seeing a gender therapist. They do have a trans group. I'm kind of nervous about it though, I feel like I want just a bit more time to think first.
