Guilt

There's guilt because they feel they were lied to, betrayed. No different than if you were straight and left for someone of the opposite sex. Being gay amplifies it I guess. Now I know people will argue with me that we get some sort of special consideration. You know, being true to ourselves, etc. OK. I get that. But your ex feels lied to and betrayed. Because we were (are) living a lie doesn't change that. You have to try to see it through their eyes. Not to say you need to keep living lie. But you have to show empathy. After that, there's little else you can do. Good luck. ( you still made the right choice. No regrets OK?)

 

I have done this, and I agree, it is a dreadful feeling.

At work, a woman my age (50s) with a gay adult son gave me a big hug and congratulated me when I came out. She said I had done the right thing in coming out and separating from my husband. Her support meant a lot to me.

A few weeks ago, she experienced a bolt out of the blue when her husband left her to live with a woman he had been having an affair with for several years without her knowledge.

I look at my work colleague, the way she has lost weight, and is walking around looking permanently dazed, with her thoughts elsewhere and the strain on her face plain to see, and I realise this is exactly what my husband must be going through. (I can't say for certain, because I haven't seen or spoken to him since January because he refuses to have anything to do with me because it is too painful for him.)

I wonder if she now thinks I did the right thing.

I know now it was right for me, but over the last 6 months I have gained a lot more insight through therapy. My husband thinks I only left because I am gay, whereas I now know our relationship was not healthy from the start, and there were other reasons why I felt uncomfortable. We both had severe codependency issues, and appear to have chosen each other primarily because we felt certain that the other person was not the sort of person who would ever leave.

I feel bad because I probably won't ever get the opportunity to discuss this with him, and he will continue to think that I have prioritized sex over companionship, novelty over loyalty, and if I came back everything could just go on as before. In contrast, I now feel even if I have made a mistake and am straight, I couldn't go back unless he agreed to intensive couples therapy. He probably would agree to it, but I feel that I just couldn't take another howevermany years of trying to make it work, I'd rather have a fresh start using my new knowledge to forge healthier relationships. It's this that makes me feel REALLY selfish.

 

There's no getting around the guilt, although it's something that abates over time.

The thing that helped me the most was knowing that to stay would have been unfair and unbalanced. I told myself that a LOT. I figured, I'd been selfish for many years and I don't get to keep being selfish by clinging on to something that I know is not right. I say selfish not in a mean way, but because leaving the relationship and watching the pieces come crashing down feels inherently selfish. But then, when you get to that point where you know it's not right, staying despite all that, is also selfish. In letting them go you give them the chance to go on and find someone who can give them the 100% they deserve. People DO move on and find happiness again. I had to believe that at the time and it turned out to be right.

 

This was my journey dealing with Guilt which is at least another perspective....

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/194104-no-more-regrets.html

and this was when I was in my early stages of dealing with guilt:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/159297-any-blame-not-coming-out-earlier.html

 

Your guilt is a manifestation of your internalized homophobia. You feel bad because at some level you feel that you shouldn't be gay and therefore feel responsible for hurting your loved ones.

I don't blame myself for being gay, therefore I feel that I did what was necessary to correct a bad situation. I realize that I contributed to a suboptimal situation for sure, but the guilt is a useless and unproductive emotion. In the end I did what was best for everybody involved. I get to express my authentic sexuality. She will find somebody who will love her in ways I could not. The kids will know their real dad.

I should point out that therapy helped to immunize me from overwhelming guilt. I was in therapy (before coming out) to deal with my negativity and ruminations that contributed to my anxiety and depression. As part of my therapy, I learned that I don't have to take responsibility for other's happiness and that it's OK for me to put myself first. Of course there's a fine line between assertive and selfish, but you don't seem like a guy who would cross it.

HTH

 

I am not sure I would agree this to be a universal characteristic SiennaFire. Not at all diminishing how IH impact you and your own feelings of guilt, but I do believe each of us have unique experiences that would have established our own guilt or regret as well as our own ways of working through them.

I believe it is up to each individual to identify with their own source and find resolution unique to them.

 

My question is whether we have the right to put ourselves in the shoes of others here and give them such a clear idea what they should do or shouldn't do.

My story is a little bit different than some of the stories here, left untold (maybe like others), and yes, there is guilt about many things, and yes, I would do much if I could have my life back, or at least some form of it. You are in the beginning of your journey, in which the optimism is understandable, I was going to post my story, maybe I will do that.

OnTheHighway, you didn't agree with the observation SiennaFire made because he had described something from his own perspective about his feelings of guilt. You are right about that, each story is unique and different, and every person should consider the best solution for themselves.

 

It is natural to feel guilty, we made a mistake and it has hurt deeply the ones who loved us, there is no getting around that.

Going back to the origins helps at least to understand. It all started with just one lie, the one we told ourselves...the one we told when accepting the truth was intolerable, to ourselves and importantly, to others. All the other "lies" that followed were rooted in that one original self-deception. I put "lies" in quotation marks, but I consider them more like necessary logical follow-throughs, the inevitable consequences of that one primordial lie...Oh the tangled webs we weave when we seek to deceive (ourselves primarily).

By putting an end to the lies, you had to make a decision, people got hurt, you are in a world of hurt and guilt...nevertheless it was the right thing to do. It was not the wrong thing to do, but it is tragic...like losing a limb is tragic, but necessary sometimes to save a life.

 

and at some point, you should try and find a way to forgive. Forgive both yourself as well as others whom put you in the original position to feel compelled to "lie".

 

Funny, I've used this analogy a lot. It's like sawing off my own arm.

Really struggling with guilt right now, especially since we've just filed the papers and are in the process of moving my wife's remaining stuff out.

I still feel a dull pain in my chest all the time, and get close to tears whenever I think about the situation more deeply. So I'm trying not to.

 

This is one of my insights where I connect the dots and see how it resonates with others. It's certainly not meant to be prescriptive. I suspect there's a proportional relationship between IH and the intensity of guilt. The IH is fuel for the guilt. As one heals their IH, they are able to love and forgive themselves for the event(s) about which they feel guilty. The idea resonated with the OP such that he reflected and restated how it applies to him. I believe that helping people to reflect from a different perspective is a valuable function of this forum.

 

I see how the dots can be connected. You develop IH, go into the closet, create a lie, cause pain, etc etc. So it can be relevant to the chain.

 

I find myself apologizing to my wife for everything. Maybe a combination of I'm trying to manage her happiness; lessen the pain for when I come out to her. Maybe fueled by IH as SF said and it becomes part of the chain as OTH said; or a circle of fear, IH, guilt.