Anyone experience Mixed marriages ?

Hi Mj5963,

I am in a situation similar to what you describe. I am a bisexual man (Kinsey 3) married to a straight woman. We've been married 16 years and have two children, 13 and 9.

It can work. We are doing well.

When I was young, I suppressed my same-sex attractions and crushes due to religion (I used to be Catholic) and only dated girls. I didn't know if the attractions would change over time. They didn't. I'm 49 now, still here, still bi.

So I married a wonderful woman 16 years ago who has known I'm bi. For a long time, it was a secret we kept to the bedroom. She was willing to do roleplay (strapons, etc.) there to help me with my urges. In the time I've been married, she's stuck with me through thick and thin. I left the Catholic Church. Five years ago, I quit drinking and got back in shape. Lots of changes, and she's always been there for me.

We are both monogamous and have always been. So I don't have experience in non-monogamy. I'm happy with her, and still bi.

Being in the closet about who I am started dragging on me, particularly as I got the other major areas of my life in order (my health, leaving the Church I'd been raised in, etc.). We started discussing the possibility of me coming out publicly as bi. My wife had some pretty strong concerns at first. She didn't want people gossiping about our marriage, she requested that if I did come out, I include "we're monogamous and happy, and I'm not looking for anything else" to people when I did. She was worried about how her Evangelical family members in Oklahoma would take it. I wasn't worried about them, they are assholes for a million other reasons, but they're family, so I understood her concern and let her handle how to come out to them. It took a lot of talking before we both decided to do it. But once we did, she was 100% on board and behind me. She joined the Human Rights Campaign, got a supporter t-shirt to wear, and she got me some bi pride items, too. I came here to EC a year ago for help coming out, and now I'm pretty much fully out.

Being out as bi publicly has been an amazing life journey, and I have to tell you that it feels really fulfilling. I love my wife and intend to be with her forever, but you know what? I'm still bisexual.

Sorry for the long post. It can work out if you both want it to. My situation isn't exactly the same as yours, but I'm right with you on the Kinsey Scale and with a straight wife, for what it's worth.

I know for many bisexuals, monogamy is not their preferred state. I respect that. Just sharing what has worked for me. Hugs to you both!

 

Here are some threads I recalled reading from earlier last year:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/213681-mixed-orientation-marriages.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/209193-bisexual-marriage.html

 

MJ

I know you don't want to continue to be questioned on why you sought sex with men outside the marriage. But, I think both you and your wife need to understand those dynamics as you build a mixed orientation marriage. MOM. The threads that Onthehighway referred you to can give an idea of some of the complications and some of the techniques. In particular there were some other outside sources referenced in those threads which make worthwhile reading for both you and your wife.

A MOM takes a lot of work and a lot of communication...as does any marriage. But, there will be an element of lingering distrust and doubt. So, levels of reassurance are really important. Minor little fights can carry the additional burden of your sexuality. I almost sometimes have to say..".I don't like the way you parked the car but I'm not leaving you for a man". More importantly, you both need to be careful that sexual intimacy is about reinforcing your love not your sexual orientation.

The way my wife and I view our relationship...and every marriage is different, is that my gay sexual needs are a side bar. In simplistic terms, it's just something I need that she is not a part of. So, what I thought would be the biggest obstacle to a MOM is not that important. What is way bigger is that there is openness and maintaining trust. It is also important to us that she recognizes, accepts and...yes...celebrates my bisexuality.

I hope this helps. Each MOM is different. The only rule I know is that open communication is required...the rest is an integration of what you both need! That said, you must really understand what your needs are. I know you are working on that now. The dynamics of your MOM will depend on what you learn of yourself.

 

well im not sure i understand the situation here but i do have a question. i meet a lot of guys i think are hot but they have girlfriends or wives but sometimes i sense they are flirting with me or even like me. maybe they are like you and are kinsey 2-3. if they wanted to engage in a closeted tryst with me is that something they would ever vocalize. i am not out to these guys but it would not take a brain surgeon to figure out im on the scale too since i am single and never with a girlfriend.

 

my girlfriend was accepting of my bisexual orientation but not me acting on it. i did not want to cheat and did not cheat. the curiousity was too much and i needed to explore myself ended the relationship so i could roam free and experience my gay side and what was out there in terms of a loving relationship with a guy. what i did experience were men that were constantly hopped up on the desire for what seemed to be this focus on sex. i just continued to meet the same guy in a different body. sex sex sex. didnt matter who you were or ehat you had going for you just how hot were you and if you turned them on. i did meet one guy that was relationship oriented and wasnt into random hookups but he also said it had been tough for him to find the same thing and that gay guys didnt seem to value the old fashioned approach. my advice is stay married. if you are looking for a heteronormative relationship with a gay guy its not impossible but just is going to be a long search. maybe your wife will give you a hall pass so you can get your gay rocks off here and there.

 

Hi Mj,
Have you looked into a local support group in your area such as HOW? Husbands Out to Wives? There are others, but this one has been helpful to several people I know.

Here's an address to reach them, if you're interested.

[email protected]

It is not a hookup or dating site, but a screened email list.

 

Mj, how have things been progressing on your end?

 

Good luck!

 

It's a journey. Two months is a very short amount of time in the overall scheme of things. Have patience with your wife at the sessions. Not only have you been on a journey of self discovery, but your forcing your wife to do the same. In the long run, it will benefit the both of you.

 

I am rooting for you!