I hate being like this

Hi Rex,

I thought that it would be enough that I love my wife. I have a deep respect for her, I cherish her and truly enjoy spending time together. We have so many shared interests, and we get along better than I have ever gotten along with anyone else. She is truly my best friend. I thought that would be enough. Unfortunately, it's not.

She and I had really good sex in the years preceding our marriage and for the first 10 years or so. By my late 30's into my 40's, though, is when everything began to fall apart. You cannot imagine making attempt after attempt to have sex with her, only to fail miserably during intercourse. No amount of fantasizing helped, and once you go soft, it's over. The humiliation for me was almost unbearable.

If you are already having trouble with having sex with her, and need to fantasize about a guy in order to reach orgasm, even before you are married, I'm afraid this is doomed. Are you truly prepared to give up a sex life to have a "normal" life with a woman? Are you being fair to her by lying to her for your safety in the closet? Believe me, the guilt over doing that with my wife is the worst part of my coming out to her.

I know you want to have what you feel is a "normal" and straight life, free from the baggage of being gay, but you don't really realize at your age what you will be giving up. Forever is much longer than you imagine now. I promise you that it will be so much harder to deal with this after years of marriage and children.

 

Rex,

I remember writing a few months ago regarding your engagement. I hope you're doing well since then, despite the obvious angst related to the situation. I'm sorry for that.

It sounds as though sexual intimacy isn't working for the two of you, despite your best efforts, and you're telling her it's work-related stress. Are you going to be able to do this indefinitely after you're married? This may be a sample of what the marriage will be like for you if you choose to go through with it. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

I saw my high school girlfriend (Karla) at my 25th class reunion in August. It was great catching up, and we had a good conversation. I still feel guilty for dating her for a year and then breaking up because I couldn't deny that I was gay. She was heartbroken. I never told her why at the time, although she knows now.

Despite suspecting that I was gay (and having some sexual experience), I hoped that "the right girl" would change me. At the time I was desperate to not be gay, and I didn't see it as using her. Fortunately we never had sex.

I've apologized several times because I felt that I used her at the time. She insists that I didn't and that I did the right thing, although it did hurt her at the time. I've met her husband and their oldest son, and they seem very happy. She also told me that her husband is the love of her life, and her only intimate partner. She thanked me for allowing her to find him - I was so glad for her!

I was so, so, scared back in high school, but I did the right thing (for me) breaking up with her. She had to carry on, but she could at least find an authentic relationship where sex would be an integral part. For that matter I allowed myself to carry on too, although closeted at the time, until I could figure out what I needed.

If you love your fiancée, presumably you want what's best for her. What about her need for sexual pleasure and authentic sexual intimacy? Would you really deprive her of that? What about your need for sexual pleasure and intimacy? Would you really deprive yourself of that, assuming that you love yourself as much as her? Going through with the marriage isn't brave or selfless - it actually deprives you both of the intimacy you need most.

Am I remembering correctly that you are a member of a fairly conservative church, and that your family tends to be conservative? I wonder if you believe (on some level) from your upgringing that sex is dirty or shameful, as though it's not a legitimate human need. Those messages can be hard to overcome in adulthood. Sex is a core human need and it's beautiful.

If you can't tell your fiancée the entire truth, perhaps just tell her that the sexual chemistry is gone and that you can't go through with the marriage. That's truthful, it frees her, and it enables you to move forward and determine what's right for you. You may come out to her now, soon, or never. But at least you will have the space and freedom to figure this out without additional impacts to her.

Similar to my previous advice, celebrate your entire self, including your sexuality. If you can, understand your feelings enough to know for sure that you're gay. If you end the engagement you will have your own time to handle being gay as a separate challenge. I think you're up to it.

Warm hugs and concern,

Patrick
Seattle, WA

 

Rex the best thing to do is to be honest with her and with yourself. You don't seem happy because you are not with the right person for you. Chances are she senses this too. My advice is to be honest with her.

 

Rex,

I can only imagine that this must be one of the most difficult crossroads of your life. Please give yourself love and compassion right now. You will be okay no matter what and you are capable of dealing with this. I also believe God is with you despite how "unworthy" you may feel.

It seems you are dealing with two distinct but related questions:

1. How do I feel about my sexuality in light of my faith?

2. What should I do about this engagement in light of how I feel about my sexuality?

I think they're both really challenging questions, so it might help to consider them separately.

1. How do I feel about my sexuality in light of my faith?

To me, this is the deepest and most challenging question. You may want to spend some time on this because it will impact a lot of other areas of your life, not just your engagement. If you are a person of faith the life you lead should stem from it.

First, talking with other LGBTQ Christians can help you share your concerns and get support. I'm one (I'm a raving liberal and progressive Christian - but I swear I don't bite! :lol: ), and you can talk to others of various political views and backgrounds listed in this EC thread: Any other Christians around? You can also use the "thread tools" menu to search for more threads on faith and sexuality. I've found a handful just poking around:

• Reflections on the last two months of learning to accept that I'm gay
• Anyone here coming from a very conservative Christian background and questioning?
• Advice for self-acceptance?
• What is wrong with me??
• I wanna start embracing being gay, but im afraid of going to hell.

There are many, many more of these threads here, but you get the picture. Find out what others are going through, share, listen, and realize that you're not alone. You might already be doing this but really challenge yourself.

Naturally, with all the public discourse on homosexuality and religion, you can find an avalanche of books. I've found a few that may speak to you:

• Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate - finding self-acceptance and congruence between conservative faith and being gay.
• God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships - how a gay Christian can find the relationship that agrees with who they are spiritually.
• Stranger at the Gate - a look at historical cultural context in the old testament and how it affects today's conversation about gays. This is old but good, and deep.
• A brief list of more books from goodreads.com.

The Gay Christian Network has a rich reading list including all political viewpoints.

Maybe you've already done research on the topic, and I don't want to barrage you, but my point is that you can find all kinds of material out there and make your own judgment. You have many more resources than I did 20 years ago, so please accept the challenge of researching - both sides of the argument if you feel more comfortable. You have a right to come to a decision from your own process and your own resources - don't feel guilty or ashamed for this.

Let's delve into a few of your fears.

It makes sense that anyone would be terrified of hell. Have you considered the impact of this fear in your life? Can you see how this fear, this lifelong terror, would shape you?

Did you know that in Jerusalem there was a garbage dump, and the carcasses of dead animals were thrown here and burned with the garbage? Christ warned that the body of the sinner would burn there - literally. Here's an article on this: What Jesus Talked About When He Talked About Hell. This is one article among many on this interesting topic; the place was also referred to as "Sheol".

But more broadly, "hell" found its way into scripture and the early church over time.

Personally, I have wondered:

• Where, exactly, did the concept of hell come from?
  
• What purpose does hell serve?
  
• Why would the early church promote fear of hell?

This also brings up a really critical point - in some faiths the bible is interpreted literally, and in other faiths it is interpreted in its historical, cultural, and metaphorical context. It sounds like your faith identifies "true" with "literal". This literal interpretation would differ greatly from other faiths that interpret through historical-cultural context and metaphorical, symbolic meaning. Stranger at the Gate dives into this question very well, and you will of course need to decide for yourself what means of interpretation makes sense for you.
​

You may be developing a set of beliefs that are your own, possibly different from those that you were raised with. I think a more compassionate way to state your fear might be that you are becoming more and more distant from (or at least you are evaluating) your church of origin, or you are becoming more distant from their theology. Please listen to your heart, and the new testament: God has you in his hand and he loves you. That will never change. I also don't think God would ever "disown" you for your path of personal inquiry.

Another challenge for you might be that you are coming from a faith that addresses life, morality, and sexuality in black and white, absolute terms. The more I read on this forum and the more life I live (I'm 43) the more I see an infinite range of values between black and white. It's agonizing (but true) that life often requires us to find that shade of gray that we can live with and believe in, rather than settling on a simple black or simple white. LGBTQ folk even rebelled a step further with an entire rainbow. (!)

Look at a rainbow, look at any forest, look in the eyes of a lover - does it look like God thinks and creates in black and white? For you to not live fully within that full spectrum would be denying the fullness of who you are as God's creation. Be you, boldly, and don't be afraid that you somehow were an aberration. You are a beautiful spectrum of something exquisite that can't be boxed in by absolutes.
​

Or, as another guy with a sandals fetish once put it, "If it be your will, take this cup from me." Christ himself wanted to be "normal" - even up until the cross, even with his perfect knowledge and divine insight. He had the very same fears and insecurities you do. Please know that you are far from alone and that you are very much following the footsteps of Christ.

Your fear and insecurity bring you closer - more authentically - toward God, and not further from.

Honestly, I'm wary of a Christian who thinks they "know" God so well that they have no fear, no insecurity - no humility.​

I agree that there's sin, but sexuality itself is a gift from our creator, and a gift that we should enjoy and share when we feel it's right. In the way that's right for you, sex is meant to be a special bond that you share with someone that, well, gives you butterflies and makes your palms sweat!

To me, sex is meant to be a gift for that person that you can't get off your mind, that you get tongue-tied around, that you lose sleep over, that you obsess about whether you used the right words, that you just can't sum up in one sentence. When sex expresses your awe for that person, I don't think it's a sin.

I think promiscuity and cheapening the gift is sin; the orientation itself is (in my opinion) morally neutral.

You're probably finding that the sexual norms of the mainstream gay community "aren't right" by your standards. If you do choose to come out, remember that you define your standards, not the world. You can still find a partner that's right for you. Today there are so many gay and gay-affirming churches, and I think many mainstream churches have learned a core lesson on tolerance and compassion. We are no longer outsiders at most Christian churches, and I believe this is a very good thing since we have much experience with suffering, injustice, and spiritual strength. It's time the world learned from our faith and our walk with Christ.​

Tomorrow - after I sleep - :dry: - we explore question #2 - engagement and marriage in light of your beliefs.

I care very much about you. Please, be kind to yourself, give yourself compassion and space, and have faith that you are worthy.

Patrick

 

You do bot need to admit that you are attracted to men, but you NEED to break it off with your fiance. You cannot live that lie for both of your sakes!!

 

End it right now! I'm sorry for being so direct, but you don't want to have sex with her, it's not working, and she knows that too. You know it will not get better, it will get worse. Don't worry about coming out if you are not ready, tell her that your relationship is not working out, that you are not ready to get married because of your stress, that you are having problems with intimacy and you owe it to her to work things out before you make a big commitment. It is the truth. Maybe you can still have her in your life, maybe you can be friends at some point. You don't need to tell everyone you are attracted to men if you don't want to, but you need to not be married to a girl while you are figuring this out

 

I've been down you're road. I tried doing what you're going to do and it didn't work. I became miserable and I was angry and it hurt our relationship pretty good.

Please don't do this. I know I can't convince yo u alone but I've been there and I had your line of thinking. I bet you're a really sweet selfless man who just wants to do what's best. It will be a little scary but ending it now or holding off is the best option.

I don't want to sound mean but two years ago I was where you were. Please don't neglect yourself. Your feelings afore important and you deserve to do this for yourself.

 

I tried to be straight too, failed miserably and, made both myself and the other person miserable in the process.

Don't do it, just be honest and maybe you can keep her as your BFF or as some call the woman a gay man loves "Fag Hag" Nothing sexual, maybe a tad of romantic but, mostly just a really close, loving friendship.

That's the best you could realistically hope for and, leave both of you happy. You can find your partner as can she and, you can remain close to each other too.

 

Hi Rex,

Sorry for the delay; I had a busy day yesterday and not quite 100% on sleep.

My overall thought is that you might want to first determine what to do about your engagement, and then sorting out your faith and sexuality (and whether to come out) can come after that. I think you're already being very courageous to face the way that you are actually feeling, rather than to go along with what everyone else expects of you.

So, following up on my last post, the second question I posed was:

2. What should I do about this engagement in light of how I feel about my sexuality?

I've never been married, so this isn't something that I can write about from first-hand experience. However I do think it boils down to honesty and treating your fiancée with integrity.

If you are already wondering what it would be like not "tied into this relationship" then what do you think will happen over time if you did get married? At this stage of an engagement I would expect someone to be wondering what it will be like to be with someone. Your fear of being "tied down" and your withdrawal from your fiancée sexually are indications that your heart isn't in the marriage. It sounds as though your fiancée may be sensing this now.

In my opinion, you may want to consider a few options on how to move forward:

1. Option 1 - Go on as you are.

Of course you have the option of continuing the engagement and getting married as planned. This is not what I would recommend.

2. Option 2 - End the engagement and come out.

If you do end the engagement, you obviously will need a reason. Do you feel it's important that your fiancée know everything that's going on? If you did come out to her, would you want her to not tell her family or yours? Or, would you tell her, fully well planning on coming out to everyone else too? You should only come out once you are completely ready and have a plan for the consequences.

In my opinion coming out is more than you are likely ready for right now. Your faith, the engagement, and your decision to come out are not as intertwined as they might seem. I think the engagement is the most flexible situation, and can be resolved independent of the other two. You simply don't have to take on your faith and coming out until you're ready.

3. Option 3 - End the engagement and don't come out.

This is, in my mind, the best compromise given where you're at right now. You can be truthful with your fiancée even though you aren't ready to share being gay. You have a right to your privacy in the coming out matter, but you can still treat her with integrity.

You also have been going through career stress and thinking about a lot of things, so maybe the engagement doesn't seem as fitting under these circumstances. Of course people change in time, and new circumstances force all of us to adapt. In this way you are in the same situation as anyone else. The engagement ending is not an indication of failure on anyone's part.

In summary, the three facets of the situation I see - whether to stay engaged, your faith, and whether to come out - do not need to be simultaneously resolved unless you want them to be. If I were facing these all at once I would be overwhelmed. Instead, I would end the engagement to take the pressure off myself, then work on my faith and after that whether to come out. This treats your fiancée with integrity, treats you with dignity, and allows you to take on each issue as you're ready.

Finally, I'm concerned about guilt and shame. Please, don't call yourself a monster or evaluate yourself as less good or less worthy than your fiancée. You are a good person, you do have integrity, and you are courageous. Please give yourself credit for who you are and love yourself fully as you accept these challenges.

Warm hugs,

Patrick
Seattle, WA