Just like the title states. I'm 23 and still single never been in an relationship before and scared to death to start one. I've been in the navy for 3 years now. I'm religious and the thought of me being gay scares me. I'm slowly coming to grips with it. I use to believe that one day I'll marry a women and have kids and have this white picket fence lifestyle. These days my mind is changing. I love gay porn. I started watching straight porn as a teen but now it's nothing but gay porn. I've tried dating women but I doesn't work out. I feel like I'm lying too them. My religion is holding me back. Because of my religion "Christianity" I feel like I wouldn't never go on a date with a man. I go on dating websites and occasionally click on men . And I get excited. Someone will message me and I get excited and I'll message back and then I'll stop and delete my account. I guess the reason I'm on the website is to look for advice. Help trying to figure out who I am. If being gay is who I am even if I'm not admitting it. I don't want to older with kids and wife and finally decide this isn't the life I want. If anyone has any advice I'm listening. Thanks
I'm not religious, just to preface, but i was raised by a very religious mother. It is my belief that even if the Bible is from god, then its been...tainted, if you will, by man's opinions. I've read the argument that back then, in that society in bible times, to be gay was a sin in the view of the people because to them it was being overly lustful. That you are so lustful you can't be satisfied with women/your wife and have to be with men as well. That they didn't think you could be anything other than straight. Idk if that's true but it was a nice, different perspective for me and i honestly can't remember where i read it. There's a page on here just for religion and sexuality but where was it...ugh i can't find it. Maybe one of the admins knows what i'm talking about and can link you cause i know i read something that was really well written and comprehensive just about religion and sexuality and i thought it was on here. Other than that...for me, being gay was natural. My mom literally never gave me 'the talk'. I went into middle school knowing nothing your parents are supposed to tell you about relationships and sex. When i noticed i was looking at girls, i thought i was being rude and inappropriate. I felt embarrassed at myself and ashamed for always being rude and inappropriate. I didn't know that you could like girls for real. I'd always been told that it was a choice, that it was for attention, that you don't actually have feelings for girls you just do it for attention or as a fuck you or whatever. So i repressed it and convinced myself i was just comparing size and that i really did like guys. I'd get what i thought were crushes on guys, but they weren't. They were totally innocent - a guy that dressed well (i think cleaned up nice is the expression?) and probably didn't look all that masculine to begin with. But as much as i could like a guy's aesthetic, i could never actually like a guy. All the girls would go gaga over some topless guy and i'd be all like 'um okay yeah don't see what you find so appealing over here'. And i wasn't good at acting so if i tried to play along in any sort of girl talk situation, it never went well. I'd get the gay question but even though i replied that i was straight and believed it, it just never felt right rolling off my tongue. If you want the most blunt answer ever - the masturbation test. All alone, no porn, what can you get off to better? I was so repressed and had built up so much of a mental block that I didn't even start checking out girls again until i admitted to myself that i might be gay. I would periodically get what i thought were inappropriate and increasingly sexual thoughts up through highschool, but i had the same reaction to them - promptly silence them and ridicule myself for thinking it. Point is, I didn't have the 'checking out girls' thing as 'evidence' until after i started questioning my sexuality at like 22/23. It was only at that point that i started putting together all the signs that had been there the whole time since i was like 11/12. Sexually, i like girls no doubt about that. I've never been on a date cause i'm not out at the moment but the idea of going on a date and doing cute romantic things for or with a girl is appealing. I'd like to date someday.
Yup I use to think I would lead the normal heterosexual life back then, but not anymore. I know quite a few LGBT individuals that are also religious (there's also people like that here too), so you can definitely be an LGBT Christian despite what others may tell you. I too was scared when I asked what if I was gay. I was terrified, and have terrible anxiety too so that made it much harder. I've come out to many of my friends and they are all supportive (except family but that's something I can deal with). It takes everyone various amount of time to accept their sexuality. I stressed out about being gay everyday ever since I accepted the possibility of being gay. I'm alright now but good grief it was hell. You will need time, as terrifying as it may seem. And supportive friends, too! Also being around other LGBT individuals helps because you can share your struggle with others, and you're all there to help each other! When I went to an LGBT centre, it really felt like I was part of a community; it felt like I belonged. You can also talk to a friend whom you can trust, or talk to a therapist if that is an option for you. Oh, one more thing: Spoiler I also love gay porn. ---------- Post added 9th May 2017 at 10:35 PM ---------- Oh I'm like this too, can completely relate to the mental block. I only check them out now because I've accepted that guys are my thing and women are not.
Here are the links about Christianity and homosexuality that i mentioned. I found them on another thread, thought you might be interested in them. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...ice-about-being-lgbt-christian-very-long.html http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...now-i-just-dont-know-what-do.html#post1101418
I really appreciate all the advice. I guess I just need to take things slow and not really think about it. Everything will fall in place when it's time
Theoneandonly, your religious upbringing has created you to feel both shame and internalised homophobia. Left unchecked, as a defensive mechanism to protect ourselves from these emotions, we often create emotional walls. While these emotional walls we create are there to protect us from shame and internalised homophobia, they impair our ability to be intimate and connect with others. Coming to grips, as you put it, with being gay means coming to terms with the shame and internalised homophobia, understanding how they developed, and learning to manage such emotions. There are numerous threads on EC regarding these topics, I suggest looking at these as examples: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...ling-internalized-homophobia.html#post3273945 as well as http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gener...d-advice-dealing-internalised-homophobia.html. But do a search for many more. Also, consider reading the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs or 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives by Joe Kurt. The concepts are addressed in these books as well. Welcome to EC! You will find people whom can give you support and guidance on your journey. Your in a safe place!
