Hey Everyone, P.S. It may seem long but hopefully it is not that boring ! It took 2 hours ! As the title suggests, today (Feb 5th) is my 25th birthday and I am feeling awesome about the journey of my life. Although it is not a safe, easy, risk-free or a normal stereotypical life but my life is interesting, lively, challenging, memorable and totally worth living. I am 25 years old, MBA student, oriented towards career in IT Consulting and I am from INDIA! I am an introvert person and I generally do not express myself easily to everyone.. Whatever I am writing here is from my inner self.. Considering this as some important day to reflect over my life, I just want to tell you all how I am feeling about my past, this year and never-ending future anxiety ! You can read my detailed first post describing my past regarding sexuality and coming out HERE. I always felt different. Earlier I did not know what is it. Gradually I started getting confused about my feelings and worried about marriage. Before this year, I had always suppressed my feelings for guys. I always knew they existed BUT I never accepted them positively and I always tried to hide, ignore or change them forcefully. I have tried different ways to change or prove myself as straight (which you can read HERE). Honestly, everything has failed. Ultimately, this year - back in May-June - I started more and more about proving myself straight and putting end to the matter for the betterment of my mind. Well, what followed was that I was convinced that I am NOT straight for sure within two months of some sexual encounters and deep introspection about my attractions, past, etc ! Although it seems simple to read, it was very difficult to process all those things in real life. I was in constant depression and anxiety. Suicide thoughts did come to me. I was in deep sadness about myself. Denial -> Acceptance was never an easy journey for self acceptance. It was tough and may be it will always be when I come out to others in future... Looking back, slowly things did turn out to be positive. Ever since the time I started doubting myself, I had two wonderful friends to talk with me, support me and help me understand myself better. I made good friends in LGBT community from online. I had romantic as well as sexual encounters with some of them and it really felt like true feelings. I expressed my mind to my friends more and more. Lot of conversations with friends helped me understand myself so well. I am thankful for my friends for being with me and listening and guiding me wherever they could. Although just like any normal person, they had no idea about being gay and they did try to convince me that it could just be some curiosity or it could just be because I have never been with any girl. At times, one friend even asked me to supress feelings if any and pursue celibacy. I understand their ignorance and lack of knowledge about the matter and hence there is no point to blame them. One thing that always made me happy was to hear from my friend "I will always support you..." (*hug*) There is no perfect solution for acceptance and each journey is unique. I am glad for my journey. Slowly and slowly I started confirming that my attractions for guys are much more stronger than girls and I am definitely leaning towards guys. Deep inside, I know I would really be happy in relation with a guy and it will be impossible to survive a marriage with a girl. But I still was continuously doubting - whether is there any possibility for "mostly gay" person to marry a girl. Ideally, it is just pain for mind to even think about such stuffs. My heteromantic upbringing and social environment has always made me doubt myself again and again and I guess it is still not completely gone. Gradually I am happy and proud to accept myself that yes I like guys. It does not matter how much more / less. I am fine with label "Gay" and will definitely want to pursue relation with a male. Later a month ago - I also came out to my brother - who has turned literally numb and has stopped replying to my messages related to this matter. Deep inside, I am very much worried about future about how will my family take this and I cannot imagine what is going to happen when I tell my family. Right now, with four months of college life before I enter into corporate, I am confused and anxious about following: - whether first I should be out to parents before anyone else? (which cannot happen until end of college where I will be with him face 2 face) - whether I should be out here in college or not? May be only to 1 or 2 friends - but then I thought lets cut the crap of secret to 1/2 persons - eventually coming out to some/many/all does not matter - but what about telling parents first? - whether I should be out at the workplace or not when I join after 4-5 months? May be it is distant thing to worry now, but since I have never come out anywhere and it will be the place where I will really be starting as being comfortable with my sexuality so I am thinking much about how will I handle myself there.? may be I should first try to come out here in college as a challenge and see how it goes - as such I do not have anything to lose.? - why am I focusing on coming out when I do have important goals of improving my life.? Is coming out also a subconsious goal? - what can I do better to improve my overall life ignoring the sexuality altogether? is it really impossible ? I do not know if there is any definite answer for above dilemmas. I will be glad if some of you can share your perspective. For now, I am thinking about improving my overall life and how I can come out to others. BUT sadly I am not doing anything constructive for either of them. May be slowly I will reach some destination on the journey. Recently, I have started writing daily journal to help me improve my life - may be slowly it will guide me to achieve my goals. Now at this moment, I am fine & happy with whatever I am. I am glad for the journey I am having. It has been a wonderful year with twists and turns and I do not think I am going to forget any of it easily. Thank you EC for providing me support since the time I have joined. This is really a wonderful place ! (&&&) Thank you God for giving me such a wonderful life with wonderful people ! Happy birthday to myself !! Being proud... :newcolor: - Vicky P.S. I had entered wrong birthday when I registered !
Congratulations on doing the difficult part of coming out, that is coming out to yourself. As for who you should come out to and when and in what order. There is no answer, never mind a definite answer. It is about judging each individual and situation on it's own merits. I don't know what the attitude to gay people is where you live, but I think things are improving world wide (other than a few notable exceptions). Contacting your local LGBT support group will give you a better feel as to what potential employers will think. Some of the bigger IT companies are very pro gay. If you are an MBA student and are out to yourself you are doing something constructive about improving your life and coming out to others!
dear Vicky90 i am very happy to read your enthusiastic post i read some of your past posts and i know things have been difficult i am not sure i have any specific advice on for dilemmas other than what yermantom already said it sounds you are taking control i know it is especially difficult in the cultural environment of india .. but i am happy reading your post happy birthday !
Thanks for your comments YermanTom. I really appreciate you spending time to read it and providing feedback. Yes, coming out is never a regret for me and yes there is no definite answer. Further, I also believe I can much for the benefit of the society as well considering my career, knowledge, aptitude and nature.! Thanks bingostring for wishes. and thanks again for reassuring my confidence and further increasing my positivity by your kind and encouraging feedback. For those, who have read / are reading the post - even if you don't have any suggestion for my present dilemmas, I would really like if you can express your feelings & provide unbiased feedback towards how I am doing with this.. Thanks!
Looks like, this thread post seemed so boring that only two people replied.. :tears::tears: damn... :bang::tears:
Happy Birthday! And congratulations on coming to this point. You're out to yourself, which is the biggest hurdle of all. Coming up with your plan going forward, build up as much support network as possible. Joining an LGBT social group, talking with a therapist, joining a support group, developing a network of friends who you can trust and turn to on those bad days, and celebrate with on those good days, all of that will make it easier. :goodluck:
Congrats on turning 25 and also for being such an amazing person! I really do wish you all the best and I though I'd LOVE to have given you advice, judging from my own posts you've read, you can ascertain that I am just as or if not even more confused about things at my end so I would really love to do more than anything is wish you an amazing year and life ahead and that things work out for you! <3
Thank you guys for your comments. You are really giving me help, positiveness and confidence. Thank you ! Hope I could inspire some people !
you can. that's how EC works. people support us, and then we have the strength to pass it on to others. glad you're feeling more upbeat!!!
